I'm still standing.

I use my blog as… diary for me. If it helps others.. that’s better, but mostly it’s for me.
Me trying to handle my situation.

Let’s be honest, there’s people who are in worse situations in life than I am, but, 
I can’t feel what they feel.. I feel what I feel and what I feel is that I’m not in control of me.

I know there’s decent and smart guy in here, I just can’t get him out.
I don’t know is it the latest medical test run that they are running on me, 
or is it my conditions that cause this. 
It feels like I’m in some cotton candy cloud and I just can’t get the full me out of here. 
Like… parts of me are stuck in,
part of my “powers” is locked out and I can’t turn them on even that I feel them right there.

I’ve found myself wondering, is this worth it.. Could I be better without any extra chemicals in me? 
I didn’t use to think so, I still am quite unsure what to think… 
but at the same time, something keeps saying me, there’s the right medicine for me,
 I just need to find it.
I dream…  I really really dream to wake up one day in my own brains… no..
 in control of my own brains. 
I’m like .. I don’t know.. 90% control now.. I think.. maybe less..
I have difficulties with my emotions but also it’s like.. 
someone or something is slowing my thinking powers down. 
I’m forced to ask help in things I’ve never before had … sorry.. I had to stop there… 
because I think I have failing though here. … 
I am not actually having so much of a problem with thinking… but…
I’m really insecure about my thoughts.
Like.. I’m not sure am I doing it right, even that it has been right way to do it for ages.. 
What a hell is that shit?

My …. nurse…. keeps asking me, do I really have to think so much, isn’t it tiresome…
well it is,
 but if I don’t…
I won’t realize things like this. If I don't observe myself, how can I know whats happening?

but yeh, I’m willing to continue testing this new medication, that is more for fibro and adhd 
than anything else, but I am going to let my nurse and hopefully she share the info with the doctor.. 
that I’m not happy how it makes me feel. How I’m “I don’t care.. I don’t know.” all the time.. 
how I’m apathetic, makes me forget to eat because I don’t feel hunger.. tiny stuff eh?

I use to be fine--- long long time ago--- well. at least I didn’t know for better. 
But will I give up.. hell no. I will rise from this shit.. I will. I will get better. 
I will make a living by one way or another.. I refuse to go down.