Do you know... what it feels when you can't trus your words?

I have had this problem quit a long time. Sometimes it's easier, just tiny things, loose some one word... but then.. there's times, when my mouth let out something that I didn't mean to say at all.

It's horrifying. Thankfully, I don't too often hurt peoples feelings.. not that I mind that If I meant to hurt them, but It's horrible to hurt others, simply because your words betray you completely.

Now. I don't know is it related to adhd or Bipolar or what a hell.. But it's annoying as hell. It does affect my life. Mostly by the way of .. I HATE PHONES.

I hate it. Because I don't see the huuuman at the another end. If my mouth fuck me up, the another one don't see my shock and horror, he/she can easily think I meant it. Also, I don't see their face so I don't know what the reaction there is truly, not that I could say I'm good at reading people anyhow.

But yeah. I love words, I know how to use em, I know amazingly huge amounts of them and even where and how to use em... well.. most of. I know words in 4 languages... well enough to say hi and order tea.

But that's why I'm more likely to send emails and messages, there, I usually can double check that I haven't accidentally add sentences or words that I wasn't even thinking of.

I don't know..

Do anyone suffer similar thing? 

I'm getting better

So beware.. There might be time that I start to write positive stuff, or forget to write because.. You know to busy to be happy.

Im just know sitting on my mom's terrace, in spring sun, jeanskilt on, enjoying the morning. My back hurts only tinybit and even thst is just the muscles that has done a lot work att the last 10years. I haven't need my cane for months. My theet are fixed, my wrist are under examination by specialist. My head medication does miracles.

I'm enjoying the life. Well of course there's moments everyday that debpression try to get me, anxiety make me doubt everything, but with help of the medication, i can deal with it.

I've get invitation first to job interview, didn't get the job but I was one of the five best candidates so.. Still win. I have also Entrance exam to university. Thinking to study Industrial design.
..
But honestly I'm more interested to get a job. So if my muscles in back, and my wrist gets fixed.. I might get in some shorter, more jobs, profesion. But the University could be interesting too.

Well. Today I'll be fixing thr fence for sheep. The cut some trees. Maybe at the evening do some clayart.

Adiós, hasta luego.

happy memories from my childhood

This depression doesn't give up. So I must continue to dig up my happy memories. 

I have thought that I had a happy childhood, but now, when i try to remember those, I just cant.
I know It wasn't bad, I know I was happy often, but not so much that I've let myself believe.

My self-confidence was destroyed as kid, I don't blame anyone about it,I didn't know it, I didn't deal with it.

But there are some happy moments that I can remember.

Most of those are, maybe sad sounding, but I was most happy, as a kid when I was playing around forest. Alone. I had lot's of imaginary friends whom play with me the games I wanted to play. Games that real people didn't want to play with me. So I run around forest completely in my mind, having adventures for  a life time.  I had, I think around ten hidden ... I don't know.. hut's made of trees, branches, moss. I kept them hidden, because sometimes, when some people found my hut, they broke them. I had tiny treasures in my huts, beautiful rock's, fallen antlers, I even gathered berries and mushrooms in there, to have something to eat, yes, when I was kid, I knew pretty well what mushrooms were ok to eat, now not so much. I spend a lot of time around the river, I walked riverside a long way.

I didn't have many friends back then, and I didn't believe those few who said they were my friend, don't know why, maybe I was scared.. maybe I just wanted to be alone, maybe we were just too different.

I remember how I loved to walk with my grandma, she teach me a lot of nature, what herbs there were, what mushrooms are fine to eat ;) and she never got bored to answer my questions. Or.. that's how I remember her.
I loved to spend time with one of my uncles too, he had always time for me. We walked around, he told me about oldways, how they had get trees from the forest with horse, how there was a horse and other animals when he was young. He told how firewood should pile so it would dry better. He too seem to have a lot of time to listen me.

I remember how then, crying was easy. I miss that. I feel that I have almost completely lost the ability to cry. Sure there's times when something hurt my heart so much or .. some.. music trigger some faint memory.. but most of time, I can't cry, no matter how much I want.

Let's see.. what else happy I remember from my youth. Well. Books. I read then a lot, another talent I have almost lost. Because of my adhd/dyslexia there are sometimes even years when I can't read much about anything.. but back then.. I for sure had adhd, but it didn't bother my readings. I loved J.R.R Tolkien and the Middle-earth. I loved David Eddings and Silk most of there. I found Witches of Discworld quite young, and now I can admit.. I did read Carolyn Keen's Nancy Drew books and .. even "worse" I read a lot of romance novels. 

I loved to visit, almost daily, my godparents, mostly my god-mother. She had always time for me, always willing to listen my stories, play card with me, laugh with me, teach me things. It was wonderful back then, because I get to eat a lot. I could eat, or not eat, at home go then to grandmoms place and eat or to godmother and eat there or not. It was wonderful. 

I miss the dogs.. we had always dog's and dog's understood me better than humans, they loved me unconditionally. I didn't need to prove myself to dogs.
at one point, one old dog moved to live with us, I think I remember that it was beaten by it's caretaker, and I don't know how, but one day dad just came home with it. the awesome moment from my childhood was that I was the first human it let pat it's back. I spend days just sitting near it, let it come to me. It was so special. 

I'm sure we had some trips. I can't remember those, when I was older we did do hiking, those I remember. I also remember how I loved it.. company was ok. but it was the hiking and nature that made me happy.. nature still makes me happy. 

I was happy about my sister, even that she was treated like a princess, I loved her. We had and have lot's of common. 

When the youngest of us came along... well that was awesome too. Later he has grown to be one of my most trusted humans.

Sadly... that's all the happy memories I can find this time from my childhood. Maybe there's more.. I just can't remember them yet.