It's a weird thing

It just hit me
That most of the medicine that doctors have told me to eat are, in the streets REEEEAALLY liked stuff. 

I'm not selling, don't worry about that. 
But it does make one wonder, wonder that what does those do to me, and how hypocritical it is for doctors, the same doctors who have told me to eat these highly addictive drugs do admit that quite normal cannabis could work better. Yet.. Cannabis is illegal. 

Do I smell capitalism here? Drug companies make drugs, get big money out of it (bigger money from other countries than from here, but still) and it feel to me that the same corporations  that make big money from their chemicals... wait.. did the font just change? ... are behind that light cannabis is still illegal in so many countries.. Because... It would be ouf of their pockets if normal people could grow their own medicine? It did change, and Blogger wont let me change it back or anything else... weird.

No, I don't know would cannabis help my pains or my constant brain difficulties. I do have friends in countries where cannabis is legalish or, some cases where Doctors just dare to write it to patients more than here, and some of them suffer similar... difficulties, and they do get help from these... natural herbs.

Well, I'm quite sure, that I will never know. Finland is promised land of the alcohol, our government does not dare to do much about that because we have still so strong, "It's normal to be drunk as hell every weekend" mentality and most of our nations problems are caused by alcohol one way or another... but it's illegal to grow a weed that help ones pain and ease the mind.

Yeh, I know it might cause some problems too, I say might, because, funny enough, all the scientific data I've seen this far has told the opposite.

Well, I eat my doctor orders drugs. Keep on trying to find some help from "Modern Western Medical science" because sadly, I don't want to try my luck with the law. Because I'm sick, unemployed man and I've seen we don't have much rights in here.

I'm currently in between.

Those of you, who actually have been reading this since the beginning, know that I've been suffering quite a burnout. It started with combination of Doctor's fucked up my medication and toxic leadership at job. Usually I might have been able to handle the latter, but when your mental-medication start to make you unstable.. well, things go bad fast.

That was about year ago.

I have now, let's see, fifth new medication at test drive. It could be quite perfect, as it was suggested a Pain-Specialist-Doctor to my Psychiatrist so the same magic pill could, in theory, easy my Fibro/other pains and stable my mental state.

Of course I don't dare to dream much yet, even that another Doctor thought there's a chance my wrist is fixable. But as I said, I don't dare dream much. I'm waiting do I get disability pension/rehab for a year like Doctor's order was. Because my diagnoses are still bit vague that doctor doesn't quite know what kind of help I need, current hope is that this new medication give some stability to my head and we can build therapy and such on top of that.

Year ago, I was just fine with Disability Pension, the idea felt just fine for me, no pressure of job/school..tiny money monthly, can get more by working little...

But now, I don't know anymore. I feel I would much more prefer to actually get a job as soon as I get my health in order (of course I hope that will happen.) I feel There's still something that I can offer to society, even that I don't like society much.

I've been checking out how computer languages work, coding. Not sure is it for me, but I have time, so why not at least try.

I'm highly interested about human psyche, sadly that would need lot's of schooling and closest school for that is.. far far away, and I'm family man so, moving after school is not so easy. The good part of Coding anyhow is, that one can actually learn it without school, it might be harder, and take time, and more work to show Job's that one really can... but still.. it can be done. SO, I've been wondering that.

But I really believe I could be quite good psychologist

Anyhow.. Everything is open at the moment. I don't know will I get that rehab/disability Pension, if not, I don't know what happens, do I have to get back in try-to-find-a-job-business or some random school? Because I'm just taking first steps where I at least dare to dream I might someday get better.

I hate the Unknown.  Not knowing what will happens, what should I do, where to go.Is there job's I can do, better yet, that I can get?

Can't art much

I don't know, is it the constant hopelessness or the new medicine, or something unrelated... but lately I have had no interest to do art.

Or.. no, wrong, I do have interest, but... lack the will. I know it's has quite a lot to do with my pain, It's hard to hold pen or brush when only couple of fingers work, and rest cause pain every time you move em. But I'm hopeful the Doctors can do something about it, at least they had some ideas what might be causing it, and next month I have some ... enmg thingie.. It involves electricity, that's about it, what I know about it. 

The hardest part in this is, that usually it has been art, that keeps me sane, I've been able to stuck all my pain, darkness, sadness and joy in my art, so now I've been forced to find other ways. For that there should be therapy, but because Psychiatrist are bit puzzled what is making my mental state so ... unstable, and if this latest drug doesn't help... well it's hard to start therapy when no one knows for what and how.

I do have couple mixedmedia ... let's call em paintings, under work, I work with only one at the time now, mostly because it's so slow, but also because I try to teach myself to concentrate on one thing at the time. Before I worked like,, ten or more art pieces at the same time.

I've noticed also, that my art has changed a bit since the pain and burnout. I use to make semi realistic art, animals with humorous twist and pencil drawings. Now Most of time I make ink-dropart. That means that I just drop ink on paper, let it try and then I stare it so long that I see what it want to show me, and take different tools to get it out.

My art is not a big seller, but I have... customers around the globe, so I think one could say I'm successful, because I've managed to cause emotions in humans, by my art and even that I would love to make a living by art... that is actually why I ever even let others to see my art.

I'm so much hoping to get on the winning side of this pain and mess in my head, because I feel I have still so much stories inside me to share, they are just... stuck at the moment.

Stuck in me, because I can't find a way for em to get out. Writing these's blogs does help a bit, even that this too does hurt my fingers.

EDIT.. days later when I started to write this post.
I have actually painted, one day this far, but whole day is way more than the usual 5-10min now and there.

Even that it was just one day, it mean a lot to me, I have hope that someday my art will get free again.

memory

Most of my adulthood, I've struggled with this quite annoying thing called memory. I have hard time to remember quite simple things, things I've said, things other have told me, things I've seen, done, promised to do etc. I've been thinking that I have bad memory and try to work on it, to get it better.

Lately, I've started to question it, is it really my memory that doesn't work.

Let me explain. As I wrote just second ago, I've done memory exercise and tests a lot, and surprisingly I'm really good at those so... what?

Then... people who know me do call me to ask things about movies, actors, writers, directors and even little bit about older games. Because I know those things and I remember who was in supporting role in some movie in year 1993 and what else he or she has done. Hell, I can remember whole episode of the Farscape that I watched last time four years ago, and remember the name of the actor who was in it just randomly.

So, there was reason why my offspring and spouse did told me to write about media/entertainment (you can read those from here), because I have always something to say about something media/entertainment related.

So, I started to think, that could it be, that it's my adhd and other headalogy difficulties that causes this, not so much memory problems but the moment when I sould but something in my memory.

You see, I think, that if there's a "HEY Butterfly!" moment around the time when I should be butting something in my memory for later use, the thing is lost but I remember the Butterfly. But whit movie etc. area of life, my personal interest is so high that even the butterfly can fly around and get only small smirk from me.

Does this theory sound plausible?

Well, we shall see, when the doctors, psychologist and psychological nurses and others around me swarming headalogycal people get a hold of me what to do with me, there has been talk about try to "teach" me to but things better in my mind.

That and other areas of my headalogy game are so much of mystery to my psychological team, that we are still in the game of finding some drugs to build some base where to start building bit more stable me, with therapy and weird stuff like that, and it's fine by me, because I'm not so sure anymore, do I want to be in disability pension.

Damn... I was just in cat caffee..

I have always been one of the animal people... I like about every animal and insect more than most of humans.

But I have always thought my self as... dog person... maybe because I like hunting and good dog there is quite nice addition to food getting business.

Now... I was tricked in this Purrfect Angel-british/catcafe in Rovaniemi.

And damn... very first thing that happened was one beauty that just demanded to get some scratches and love and jumped to my lap and.. damn... I started to have this worrisome feeling, like... getting sick or something... something inside was melting or something and yes it was a cat, not my wife.

Then there was this tiny rascal Riimu? that tried to eat my fingers and then he jump to my lap and staid there and ... another feline that stole our son's bacon bread.

I...

I start to think that I might actually like cats, some cats bit more than I thought.

We have those two Turtles, A'Tuin and Morla, but even that they do sometimes come to sit on lap but it's ... not the same to hug a turtle than it is some soft, warm maybe bit furry animal.

oh well.. my image has been ruined for life, but I'm not even sure do I care.

I fell in love with Riimu, the tiny rascal.

Oh yes.. also the Tea that I took and bacon sandwich were awesome, and also there was nicely vegan stuff (not that I need or care, but that is nice for some) also there was gluten free and lactose free stuff and those even taste fine, or so did wife say and she knows.

Also I liked the theme, old mix match furniture and art and .. basically I did like everything.. even Humans were nice and prices acceptable.

So.. I was so much surprised of all the positiveness that I got from there, that I just had to write a short blog about it.

I feel good right now, yes I have pain and I'm tired, but those darn tiny animals did make me feel better. And it continues still.

SO thank you  Purrfect Angel-british/catcafe

There seems to be small misunderstanding

I've noticed that people around me seems to think I'm a pessimist, wishing for end of the world. Or at least end of Human civilization as it's now. That I hate humans! It's not completely true.

I'm not pessimist, I'm more like realist. I've been following what is happening around the globe, not only what humans are doing but also what is happening to the ground and weather (well part of that also is doings of humans). There's lot's of humans that I care deeply, it's just humans as specie that I despise. For reasons unclear to me, we as specie seem to be driven to destroy our self, hurt everything around us and be just complete assholes. It's interesting how even smart and kind humans, when gathered around with "other kinds " seem to lost em self and behave like sheep.

I use quite easy example. There's USA. Nation that has been quite modern, until reason only to know by them self's, they choose to be lead clown-idiot. Now, they keep follow that idiot-clown even that IT has shown again and again that he has no brains, no talent in business (funny fact, lot's of artist have made more successful business that that so called business man). At the moment that country is in situation where they are so shamed of who they let to be the leader, that they can't say how they regret it but just try to lie to em self's because they are so shamed to admit that they fall in that.

Seriously, why did YOU do it? Can't you read? Don't you follow new's, check facts..

Back to subject at hand... The worse thing in all this is, that there's generation who can be blamed (No, there has been always been good people in every generation, sadly in this generation the good people seem to be so small portion that they just could not do anything to the selfish assholes.)

I see how, I don't know how to call em.. the people who get birth from the parents who survived the great war.. those who got it easy, are destroying everything for the next generations. as said, not all of that generation is utter arsehats, but way too many. They got easy schooling, could just walk in and get a job, bought a house with money that today you can't get even decent car. And still, they keep shaming youngsters, who struggle because THEY, the generation before, made everything so hard.

But no. I'm not hoping for end of the world. I'm still hoping that humans, as specie wake up. stops the capitalism, the number one reason why everything is so complete shit. Stop killing the earth and our self.

--

Why do people worship money so? That I cannot understand. We live in world, where it would be just easy to keep everyone fed and under roof, but instead because of Capitalism others have decided to focus their whole life only to make em rich and others poor. You know, that's how capitalism work? It's all about making rich richer and rest poorer.

--

My therapist ones explained this to me.. I am extremely sensitive guy, her guess was that I've been really sensitive kid... but for reasons unknown at the moment, I felt the need to protect my self and build huge wall around me, and therefore I seem quite cold to outside.

And it is true, I do feel for others, I can see what others feel, but I don't want to. Because... I have enough of my own problems. SO.. being cold and bit ... bitch... I just  try to keep humans far.

I wonder, what this tell about me

year and half ago, my offspring get in the art high school and needed a computer. 
Because of the modern age studying in high schools in Finland is completely nuts, 
one can’t get through studies without laptop. 
To me that tells how sadly untalented teachers are and how school system is faulty. 
But that wasn't what I was about to write.

Since I gave my laptop to the offspring and tried to use tablet to my fill the daily internet dose, 
I’ve been... annoyed.

 Now I'm annoyed with blogger... it's messing with the text again, so... this will look wonky. 

Darn, Now I lost my thought completely. 

So... I must wonder, what this blog was supposed to be about. I have no memory, not so anything comes
to mind, that why I started to write this. 

Darn Blogger and your wonkyness. 

 So. tablet... I realized that I'm oldschool, I need real computer... so I did try to "play" with wifes laptop,
that she uses for office thingies and.. Sims 3. but NOnoNo... I can't stand the Windows.. It's worst OS.
and because wife needs the windows.. so I could not install any flavor of Linux on it. SO I dig out old
computer from garage... and tried to play with that... but.. that either didn't work on my favor. so..
I continued to try to handle my web-page, facebook, art stuff, blogs.. all with tablet.. It was truly horrible.

So... dear offspring, who knew our money situation is not to good because of my long sickness thingie
(haven't been at work since early spring), and offspring therefore decided first not to tell us that my old
laptop didn't quite work enough for all the courses in school. Because, that damn Windows kept install
more and more useless stuff that with windows 10, you can't even remove without more skilled coding 
than I'm capable. 

After the offspring had failed one course, we kind of found out the laptop situation... It did take a while, 
and I sure had to step far from my comfort zone to make it happen, I had to beg and use phone and do
research and talk to people and visit a church ones (it's weird for pagan like me)... but I managed to do 
it.. I managed to make it so, that offspring has now darn fine laptop. 

Ah.. Now I remember what I was about to write originally. It was about that, People think I'm quite selfish
and they are correct. I am most of time selfish but when it's about my family, I'm not so much.

Before this laptop incident. 

About year and half ago, I made a Mural and as a thank you I got awesome, the best of the best phone 
at the moment. Then... around the same time when I get the new laptop for offspring, we also
change phones. I have now... quite.. toy phone. Sure I miss my ex superphone.. but really.. offpsring 
does have way much more use and need for it. .. and it's not the first time that I've given my favorite 
"toys"
for offspring. 

Don't get me wrong.. I'm selfish prick. there's no doubt about that. If I don't concentrate much, I forget 
that there's people around me who might have more urgent needs than I have. It's quite common
with adhd/bipolar person, but I'm working on this... working hard. But sometimes the work ... does 
pay up. I'm not riches man, but I sure want to make sure our offspring has better tools for life than I had.

About my selfishness It's true.. it's not so long ago, when my wife use to get me books (because she 
knew I love em) and guess what I got her? Maybe tiny chocolate bar and ... tobacco. Because I 
didn't even bother to really find out what she wanted or needed. And boy if I didn't get anything I was 
annoyed. 
I might buy my self a computer, phone, game console.. what ever I felt I wanted or needed... and did 
I ever buy that sewing machine, or general purpose machine or anything that she needed? .. well.. no. 
So.. I'm working on it. I'm working hard to keep my self in ... short lease... I demand a lot from me. 

My therapist doesn't understand why I demand so much, I mean my current one, my regular therapist 
have started to see the point... I hope I get my regular one back soon. 

Anyhow... I have found my self done selfless acts lately, not much, but more than years and years before. 
Sure, mostly for offspring and more an more to wife, but sometimes even to "just" friends or even almost
strangers. 

I've lost my point of this story completely.. It's just.. rambling.. oh well.. it happens.