It's Christmas blog... correction.. It's Yule blog.

Christmas, that true, capitalism power celebration, time of the year for most suicides, most domestic violence and on top of that, lot's of people who really don't have money, still waste all the money for gifts.

Still, I love Christmas. I just strongly fight against the Coca Cola- Santa, and corporation demand for gifts for all. Christmas is pagan celebration, church start to ruin it, but because paganism is strong in people, they gave up and decided it's birthday of middle-eastern guy.

Don't know what it tells about we Finnish, but our word for Christmas is Joulu, that's quite close the original pagan name of this celebration, Yule.

Anyhow... To me, Christmas/Yule is time of relax, family and good food. Basically I'm rooting for basic Yule idea, before christians ruined it.. Basically Yule is about drinking, eating and fucking.

oh well..

I know I'm not alone in this. I know there's a lot of people who feel the same way. How Beautiful celebration has been turned to slave people, slave to corporations, waste money to nothing.

I wait Christmas/Yule, first time for long time.I, directly, haven't bought any presents. Indirectly there has been one gift bought. One gift we made by our self, and I have not bothered my head by any more gifts.

Yule is not about gifts, it never was, and I wont go in to any more about that, if you are interested there's something in wikipedia about that.. too

I just wanted to let you know, that even that I hate the capitalism and how it has ruined this beautiful winter fest.. I still love it. Not because of gifts.. or decoration.. Eating is big part of it, because usually we eat little bit... smaller :D ... back when I was alcoholic (well, I'm still, but I keep fighting to keep my self out of it) this was good reason to open bottle, (Like eastern, weekend, "hey I found my sock's ,were)... but now.. this particular Yule. I enjoy because...

There's house we live in, it's house that feels more home that any adult life "home" before. There's baking oven in this house, and I love to bake bread and slowly roast meat. There's firefplace, but funny enough we can't use both, fireplace and baking oven at the same time, because smoke issues. We have Sauna, own sauna, we decide when we warm it.
We have food (as I told you, I love food), We have moose meat, I'm thinking to make two different kind of meat.. One I .. smoke? and another in the baking oven. Then there's Salmon, I'm not sure yet do we smoke that too, or in the oven... or maybe cook on open fire.. Oh yeah, we have that tiny ... building with a another fireplace in it.. so.. there'll be food making in there. hmm.. where was I... we have Cheese, lot's of different cheeses.. hmmmmm.. I love good cheese. Then there's some, not much, candy, some turkey, and.. and... I can't remember more.. I got suddenly hungry.

Anyhow.. and... there's no more plans for Yule. Only family ( +maybe on friend who is more like family), some movies, maybe games, but most of all.. Just.. be among family and enjoy.

Anyhow... I'm a pagan deep inside me. apatheist pagan.

My daily life with my brains

It's never quiet.

I can't say is it adhd, Bipolar, fibromyalgia or just some personality thingie.

I'm not sure can I explain this at all.
But I try.

There's never quiet in my head, my thoughts are rabid and in constant movement. Sometimes there's some cotton candy around em, making me even harder to follow my already irrational thought patterns.

When I'm awake I can keep it under control by pure force of will and keeping myself busy, so I always seem to be on the move. Doing something with my fingers, tapping with leg. Drawing, painting, making my family mad by joking, dancing… whatever my broken body let me do. All physical activity and movement helps.

Also stories help, reading books, watching movies and tv-shows all good stories take a hold of my mind and ease the constant anxiety, the bigger, more complicated and truly imaginative story gets the better. Realistic detective, modern warfare, capitalism glory stories are mostly useless because my brains can easily see where the story goes, but in fantasy, scifi and horror, there's doors that story can take and my brains are happy.

Good conversation, oh that helps, but there's difficulties because my mind has custom to lost interest, see a bird and forget everything, listen familiar music and start to sing a long. I might remember something in middle of my or your sentence and start to speak about that and forget all before. My “stories” will be bumpy, jumpy, hard to follow and rambling much. I forget common words like, cheese, but can tell what happened in that one episode of Farscape in season four.

My brains won't silent even for night. That's usually the hardest time.
Lie on the bed, try not to bother wife, be silent, not to move,  THATS when they attack. Dark and stupid stuff, scary stuff, light paranoia.

Or

I just go trough novel ideas, master plans for some game, get four to five movie ideas and forget em all before get up to find paper.
For that, I thankfully have found audiobooks. Audiobooks help me sleep. Again stories keep my brains so occupied that I can sleep.

That is my daily life.

Wife, I'm sorry.

We have couple turtles, Morla and A'Tuin, they are funny little things and I have grown fond of them.

So, they lived in aquarium, big one, but to us it felt too small for precious little things so we decided to make a bigger one.

We got this huge plastic container, and cut it half, then I didn't get it to fit  in our car, so I was left to my moms and waiting that she will bring it when she has time, but then, month or so later, I realised suddenly, that if I just turn the darn thing around, it will fit in our own car, so, we did get it home.

The new plastic aquarium did have one big negative thing, it had hole in it and no cap to be found.
So as I am such a smart guy, I go and buy Aquarium silicone and fix the situation with that... or that was my purpose.

In reality, what did happen was that when was time to fix the hole situation, I accidentally did take the another silicone from the cabinet. Normal, hardly even water proof silicone and used it. Me the IDIOT didn't bother to read not even ones, that what kind of silicone I was using.

couple days later the outer side self made cab did drop out.. and it had to be fixed, so I took, this time, the correct silicone and still I didn't realise that I had used originally the wrong one.. so basically the water side cab was still wrong.

Well, we dump the water in the huge "aquarium" and let the turtles in... things was looking good... I took the "youngsters" with me to countryside to give wife some alone-time. as, we, me and my adhd/bipolar etc.. can be bit overwhelming so when there's change I go away for a while and take the youngsters whit me or they go somewhere else.. so... that was happening.

Then she send me a message. the silicone in the aquarium was getting lose. .. we are almost 200km away so, even if we "to the automobile, let's go" right about now, she would have already empty the aquarium all by her self. I still would want to just go... but then.. tomorrow I can go by the special store, get more the RIGHT silicone and maybe some ice-cream for her... give her the Ice-Cream, go to turtle room, shut the door and fix the situation.

but damn I hate my brains. why didn't I just read the labels? Why didn't I realise when the another cab drop off that something was wrong? I'm such an idiot.