This is me

Well.. this is how I see myself.

I'm depressed or highly-function depressed, swinging between those two currently.

I'm artistic... no... I'm creative humanoid. I write, I paint, sculpt, crafts of different kind.. that has always been my therapy, just that it doesn't help so much anymore. But for that I have now medication and hopefully soon also some kind of therapy.

I'm socially awkward, I either am too open, too emphatic or I don't get anything at all. Usually it goes somewhat like this. I say or do something that hurt someone and I realize it right then and there and it so hard on me that I panic and try to explain what happened and ... well I push on and usually make things even worse.

I am not a flirting, slick or overly romantic. I will not use words that I don't mean to get people to like me.. I use to.. but I don't anymore. I try hard to be true. Real.
So. I show my feelings as well as I can, but more often I say them as they are. with True face (is that right? I didn't find anything that would fit in my image and Finnish words... I mean when my face is calm and .. like a stone... anyhow).

I have to accept that if that's not enough for others, then it just isn't. I can't be that Me who I was, nor do I want to. I've been broken for so long that now, when I have find my way to build myself up again, I want to do it better. Now I have tools from 30 years to make more sense in me.

I don't want to be slick, I hate slick greasy people. I hate when others are trying to please me ... no... I mean when they do it because they have some hidden agenda. I accept it only then when it's real.

I use to be  faker, and I can see them from far and I don't want no fakers in my life.

I have learned so much in my years of complete insanity (inside my mind) that It's start to but all that knowledge in good use.

As soon as I get to stabilize my current situation.

I let go. I stop trying to control everything in me.
I let me be me.
I love the people around me, I try to be good to them, but I don't try to please them just because of that... pleasing them. I can love them and still argue things, cause some light havoc, tiny fights... well.. I've heard it's part of life. part of relationships.
For a long time, I've done all I can to avoid any kind conflicts... and it's not healthy.
I will start speaking things earlier, even if my thoughts are not complete yet. because my mind have bad habit to make every worse in time.

So.. Yes. this is positive blog.
I don't know can you read it between the lines..
But I'm understanding myself so much better than I did a week ago.
I've talked with people who have known me a long long time, people who I've met online yet found new siblings, aunt's, uncles and virtual grandad. I've talked a lot and I've listened and they have listened and I'm starting to feel, I have tools to win or at least get even with this.

So. I'm optimistic about future. I'm still in bad shape, but I did send my application to university. I dare to dream.

one of the best.

She told me, she was pregnant. I don't think it was completely planned, but it wasn't either unwanted, maybe bit more on the side of planned. I was young and I was so ready to be father.

I remember how I called to my dad. Told him that he's going to be grandfather.
Dad was.. "Oho.. really. well.. " and cut the phone. Couple minutes later. He called back and was like completely different man. He was so happy and so joyous.

The pregnancy wasn't easy, there was stuff I believe, again sadly I can't remember.

I remember how I talked to baby when it was still inside her.

I remember how it had to be done by C-section because he was so big and... something.

I remember how annoyed I was that nurses and doctors didn't let me be with her in the room, I had to watch trough some glass when I wanted to be there, holding her hand.

I remember how nurse walked to me, with tiny human in her hands.

I remember how my heart melt when i saw that tiny troll.

I remember how scared I was to hold him.

I remember how everything change.

I remember how nurse teach me how to change the diaper. Wash him.

I remember how we took family room in hospital, even that we didn't really could afford it.. but I wanted to much to sleep next to them.

I remember so much also not good stuff... I even wrote those here.. then I deleted it and pretend for now, it didn't happen.

I hope I can sleep now.

If there's anything I'm proud. It's our offspring. WE have help this amazing young offspring to find who he is.

Happy memories

I am saddened that I can't remember much about my offspring childhood. But there is somethings.

I remember how I was playing with him at the floor and he drool all over me.

I remember how when we tried to bath him, we needed umbrella.

I remember how I took him fishing with me, and how much he loved to get more fishes than me.

I remember his absolute belief that I could fix everything.

I loved to read him stories. We read Hobbit, and I think even Lord of the rings? and sometimes I just made up stories for him and oh boy did he love those.

When he was just tiny and had a bad day, there was two ways to calm him. Either listening Metallica or me talking. I mean, those were two of my tools.

I remember how he build always and everything.

I have it still. the bookmark he made for me. once he got angry at me, for reason that I can't remember, and he rip the bookmark in pieces... and then.. after short while he taped it back together.. I still love that bookmark and use it all the time.

The first day at school. I think we walked there all three... It was horrible, but I was also quite proud.

The offspring have always been kind. Even as kid he went to talk with everyone and somehow even the drunk old people were nice to him. He is still kind and tender soul.

Once he wanted to sleep in tent after some party. So we put the tent up and went to sleep... but then.. he had eaten so much all the party food, that he got sick.

I remember how he was sitting on computer, and playing Tetris like a pro... then .. bit later I realized that it was demo on, and he only pretended to play.

More things I love

My sneaky high function depression does keep on going. So I keep on tricking my brains and make a list of things I love.

I love stars, i love to lie down on snow and watch the night sky
I love summernights and campfire
I love the smell of air after thunderstorm
I love fall sleep holding my live in my arms.
I love the life without alcohol, yet still sometimes it's hard.
I love ceramics, the feel of clay between my finger.
I love ceramics, the unknown what you find when open the kiln door.
I love to make love with my love.
I love to do hard labour as much as my body can handle.
I love flowers, all flowers.
I love nettle in field, in tea in bread.
I love my few friends who don't have the need to stay in contact every day, but after years it's like we had met just yesterday.
I love when my wife laugh my stupid stuff.
I love to laugh to my wife's stupid stuff.
I love the offspring and his amazing mind.
I love my beard, and would love to have a huge one, but I'm too lazy take care of it.
I love people who buy my art, it make me feel good when someone else love something I've made. 

I love to be able to help others.
I love to speak about my difficulties to others, whom might get some help from my adventures. 

I love to hunt, but I don't shoot often. 

I love to hold her hand when we are shopping. 

I love to take a walk with her. 

I Love to hug the offspring

I love to hug my god-daughter and her brother. 

I love to hug rest of the kid's in my family. 

I love woolen stockings winter and summer... and spring and autumn. 

I love to get better. 

I love the amazing people I've found from internet.
I love my sister from internet. 

I love my imagination, but bit sad that I don't know how to use it in basic life.

I love to swim in natural waters. 

I love to eat smoked fish. 

I love to go fishing at summer.

I love that I can find so many things I love. 

I love to have amazing people in my life. 

I love that I might have to write third list of things I love. 

I love to study Spanish.

Happy memories

I keep on writing up my happy memories in my battle with depression.

It seems to me, that most of my happy memories involve my family.

So here's some. 

I can't say when...
But we had met, spend time together. I can't remember why, or where.. just that in the city we studied.

One night, I don't know where there just the two of us, or was there others..

We sit in swings in the children playground. Talking.

Talking about everything. Laughing together.

That's one of my most precious memories.

I hate that I can't remember more.

But I remember the first time she kissed me. To me it was pure magic.

I do remember how I sit in bench in school, her leg's were in my lap and teacher walk by and (can't remember the words) and was .. "so sweet."

I remember how I lived alone.. alone indeed in this tiny and horrible apartment. How once I came there from my parents place... and she was sitting on the porch with big bag of clothes and stuff. and she looked happy, as happy as I was.

I remember the calls, the letters we send each others when we were apart. I was poor writer then, so I think i draw stuff I thought to be romantic.. I have no idea were those.

I remember how she tease me about easy I was... but she never realized that I was easy only because of her. it was she, who made me easy... for her.

I remember how we talked about everything. She told me so much, stuff that she don't even remember she told me then. She said that I didn't tell her as much, but I told what I could and most of all, I told her about my feelings.

I remember how she made me feel... wanted... loved... missed.

This helps. It helps to remember the good stuff. I just hope to remember more.

It's bit weird perhaps how many of my good memories are connected to her. But.. it's not to me.