Relationship

Relationship

Oh I don't say I'm right. I just say how I currently feel and think.

For longest of time I've taken my partner for granted. Because of my illnesses our relationship has changed and currently even we don't know where we stand.

I love her and she love me, there's no doubt in that. But everything else is quite hard to explain at the moment.

I live in place where I have accepted that someday she might want or need to leave. I feel she has all the right to do so, but I  don't prepare for that. What I do, but my difficulties side, try to make her feel better with me.

I understand now that I can't make her happy, that's her “job” but I can try to be better. She's not only my wife, she's also my best friend and the one I trust. She's been with me through hell and I owe her more than I can ever repay.

So. I love her and we have decided that we define our relationship as we feel right for us.

I don't feel it's right that, she has to pour me tea because I can't, even that I hardly ever am in that bad shape.
I know she doesn't deserve the megalomaniac I am when my bipolar medication doesn't work. Or zombie when fibro cloud my thoughts.

After all, I think, I could be wrong, my adhd is the least of my difficulties to burden her.

I feel the marriage should be in balanced, work together, equal and loving in friendship and erotic way. Most of time I haven't been that, first because I thought it was then later because I was so bad shape that I couldn't. Now I'm place that I can and will be more for her.

It must be hard to live with someone like me. Person who is far from stable and trustworthy but not by choice. I can only imagine how it feels to be in relationship with such a burden. If I would do all this crap, because I wanted, I believe I would be alone. So.. I'm really not sure who in this family is most tired right now when my medication, therapy and all is on hold, except the medication.. I'm sure we both are horrified yet hopeful that my medication situation get fixed soon so I can be more me again.

I love my wife but I also know I'm a burden to her. Sometimes I think I should just leave, so she could have easier life.

Right about now

I'm having 3th drug on to run, (if we count all medication I've tried for Bipolar it would be 5 plus drinking).
Again this started on nicely, had some balancing feeling but... Yes there's the darn but again... Now I've been in high anxiety for a week. Too much energy to sleep so I'm up from 5 am to next night and sleep if I'm lucky.
I have urge to do something but I can't concentrate on anything, even writing this is hard. I have depressing feeling if I'm not doing something but I cant do much so there's a twist. Only good thing here is that I'm mostly alone coupledays so I won't bother others so much but do this... Will I get over this before I go back to home?

Also I really would like to get this medication for Bipolar working so we could start doing something for the fibro, it's another damn annoyance in my life. Pain is not fun. sticky brains is no fun. And if I would not have this darn fibro I could be outside doing some labour that do not demand me to consentrade so much... But no oo.. I'm in pain and full of energy. So damn,

I did build a tiny table for flowers but because of the lack of equipment and my inability to consentrade... On anything.. Didn't work so well.

I've made some clay thingies to vent the feeling but I would love tobe able to make the detailed texture and currently I can only make lumps. Lumps and holes and teeth marks with a growling.

I just want to be free... Free of pain, free of anxiety, debression, mania... All that crap. Why must this be so hard.

Sorry. I needed this.

Cry

I've been actually up rise in home where crying was accepted even for boys. So I cannot say why crying is so hard for me, has been most of my adulthood.

Lately anyhow I've found myself in peculiar situation that I have urgent feeling to burst into cry. I've had it, nagging inside of me a long time now. It's almost everyday feeling. Couple of times I've drop couple tears but this far that's it. I feel it's coming but something is holding it.

It's really weird, as both because I have no idea why I need to cry,( except that my bipolar medication has failed and I have often pain because fibro, and I'm really tired all the time aaand I worry for others.) and because I don't seem to be able to do it.

I think there's huge mess inside of me, the medication don't work so I've started to do to more and more work to stay sane. I sleep poorly, worry I hurt my loved ones, stress more because tried to keep working too. I've driven myself to the edge again and right now I just wait and hope I get help in time.

I'm weekly having acupuncture to open some knots in me. I'm trying new medication to get my emotions back in balance.. So far not there, but feeling bit better. Just.. If I could either cry or find out why I feel like needing to cry.

I've never been much of a crying game, but know to done so more than ones, specially when needed, so even more now I'm annoyed.

....

What about that another one?

What about the other?

This is something I’ve been thinking a lot, and it’s hard subject because I’m one the the “special” people.
I have little bit of this and little bit of that.
Thing that bothers me so much is … well, to me it seems that professionals, families, friends and people who just walk by forget the parent, spouse, sibling or child. Forget is quite strong word for here, but i feel it fits in the purpose so I will use it.

I’ve read lot’s of different guides for, adhd families, bipolar… fibromyalgia .. Even those that has been written to the parents or spouses of special person and every time I saw the same thing, thing that puzzle me so much. I have talked a lot with doctors, special doctors, nurses, social workers… damn.. even with a priest. I’ve read through internets wonderfully unreliable world and always it comes to same thing.

Every time it’s the same “You must understand your children.. you have to see that your children doesn’t do it on purpose, mean it… Your spouse, father mother, uncle… he doesnt mean it, understand, “

Sure… it’s true… but that’s like.. only the half of the story. All is true but to me it feels a lot like saying.. “You can’t be angry, sad, frustrated.” the guides forget to but in words the other side of the story.
Someone need to say the important another side. Why hardly ever I see words “It’s ok! You will be hurt, you will be angry and sad, you can be angry and sad, you can laugh as much you want.. “
That your loved one “doesn’t meen to do …” does not mean it can’t hurt you, your feelings. Parents , siblings, spouses need to hear it, they need to know it’s not forbidden to be angry and still love your special person. There need to be someone who say these things. Who say “ it’s ok to be angry!” or sad or happy even if it’s not … right moment.
It should be said somewhere , that it’s ok. it’s hard to hate your child, just for a moment when nothing is fine with your special child. It’s hard to think divorce… if all you hear is “ you must understand it, you must love no matter what… they don’t meant it…” Who are these judgemental guide writers who think that Families of Special people can’t have the feelings of them self.

I’ve seen this in so many levels.. I’m special person, I’m father of special child. I have different kind of special people around me in family and friends..
I’ve hide behind “you must understand me, it’s because of my sickness”

It’s true that when living with Special person, you might need to count to ten or hundred.. You must swallow your tears, have moments of anger that scare you and yet still you have to understand. But it’s also true, that you are human, and you have feelings, and you have right for those feelings. You have right to be sad, angry, happy. It’s important for you to have someone who listens and doesnt judge. We all have em, feelings… other’s show them others doesn’t.

I can see how hard it is to my wife. I'm not the man she fell in love. I'm, at my worst, some super energetic, megalomaniac zombie how keep say “ouch” and try to hide the cry. Even when I'm not that bad, something ruines the day.
She can't trust me to handle bills because I might forget it or pay em twice. She can't trust me to remember stuff. She can't trust I read correctly the shopping list. Or that I buy son a buss card. There's weeks that I can't even vacuum or cut carrots.
Goddamned of course she's angry, sad, annoyed and who knows what else. I understand that and I can handle it, she has the right to show how she feels just like every other human.
So basically… here is the thing. I, as quite special case, can't show my appreciation enough, can

So… I don't know.. I just wanted to write this.

Where am I

It's really hard to be, again, in situation where I can't trust my mind at all.

Since I fought and learned the shit that adhd and bipolar did to me, got good medication, found the true me… Life has been better… Not so interesting or colorful but not boring either. But I've been in control… Of me… and haven't had feeling of.. To need to control everything.

Now… When fibro moved in to house, things started to go bad. When I look back, I wish I would just taken the pain, but nooooo I was “ok let's try if that helps”. The medication did help for the pain but also crashed my bipolar balance and I was horrible.

So.. I dropped the fibro medicine.. Thought I was getting better.. But I wasn't.. Slowly I was loosing my mind losing my control, forgetting stuff alot and often, started to stutter more… lost words, strength.. Sleep.

It took half a year for me to start to see what was happening. I asked help. First doctor told me, she can't handle the situation so she moved me to specialist.. I waited time for that over month and slipped worse.. Now.. New doctor was like. “holy fuck.” wrote long sick leave and start to fix medication for bipolar because that is the most acute situation. Ones again professional is wondering how in earth can I keep my self even this well in shape.

How it feels? How you think. Do I enjoy to let my loved ones down because I forget something important that I promised just 5min ago?
Do I like to notice I did exactly the thing I was not supposed to do because things got mixed in my head?

Do I enjoy that I hurt someone's feelings by doing same shit again that I haven't done in half decade?

Is it funny to mix up words together, forget how to do simple things, ask others to read my blog posts for me because I can't make any sense on em by myself?

Do I like to feel anxious all the time because someone said something, i read news, saw kitten, didn't like my mirrorimage, noticed the fat, don't feel loved, love tomuch, rain, sunshine…

And

That's only maybe half of the difficulties in my head at the moment.

I just want to… Get there where I was before. Before this. Be in control of my mind, have good life, job or no job.. If job push me off the edge. Then maybe I can give up.. But until I get my head back.. I can't say. I can't decide. I can't deal with it.

First medication try started well, my brains started to work again but.. Now after month and bigger dose only brains work. It cause tremors in me, headache, difficulties to see, dizziness and felt nauseous all the time. But it help still me to think. So doctor told me to take just minimum dose to keep head working and we started new medication again.

We shall see where this goes.
Sick leave continue.

It's tiresome

The thing about all my illnesses is… what they can do to me.

Let me tell you about this one time… ok.. I wrote this then but took a while to get it on readable format.

It began nicely, we got accidentally two turtles, red ear sliders, we thought to build terrarium. You know dry place for turtles to get some sun “warm light”.

I'm usually quite good at building stuff… What I didn't take on picture was that my Bipolar medication doesn't work and I'm still new to fibromyalgia. I can't even remember yesterday well enough to tell you a proper story.

Basically what happened. I was megalomaniac zombie.. I was so sure I knew what I was doing and that my plan was the best one.

So  I made hardly standing terrarium but it's God damned ugly, also thankfully it's hardly working.

If I would have listened wife from the beginning, we would have save money and time and nerves.

What did I get from this? My body is in horrible pain, my brain is in zombie mode. I can't work.

I hate to need help from others in simple things like making food or cleaning or building terrarium.

I hate that I can't think the way I use to. I hate to make my loved ones do extra, triple work because my body and mind decided to phock me up at the same time.

Even writing this down is hard, my hands hurt, I'm forgetting stuff.

Right now… Did I learn anything? I learned that I must listen wife. More then, when I feel like I know what I'm doing.