Don't read this post.

Yeah, that's always scary.

So what have I been thinking now? Well, I think I might be some kind of conspiracy theorist, but is it actually theory if we can see it all around, all we need to do is open eyes?

I've been thinking that why I think people are useless and stupid.

Well the easy way is to say, that because most of them are.

It's only sensible explanation for why capitalism has taken the place of God or Gods, why we (yes I do think I'm part o the problem) are destroying the one place where life as we know it did get started and have kept us living (fore the slower ones of you, I mean Earth, the Planet. 3th rock from the sun). How could I, who see all the idiotic, useless, pure evil and puppet leaders around me, have any brighter thoughts about the race that I'm part of?

We the humans, we have intelligence and technology and means to fix things, go to stars and save Earth. We've had it for years now, but because we are sheep we believe governments and corporations who only care for the all mighty capitalism and keep saying it's only system that works, well, it doesn't, it never has.

We could be on stars and we could have turn the things around here in earth, but for the fucksake we keep doing the opposite. To my understanding it can be only because we are selfish and evil and stupid. Specially the so called leaders, but also those fuckers who let those leaders be in power.

How can we be so blind to see what is happening? How can we not want to fix this? Why do we just watch how Governments and corporations keep destroying everything..

It's not true what they say about capitalism, it doesn't keep us living, it destroys us. Because of it, parts of earth are suffering from hunger, nature is dying (well actually I believe it's mutating to ways it can get rid of the disease that is us.) The funny part is that, I'm 100% sure that earth will survive, it's us the humans whom we are destroying.

I do sounds quite depressed, but actually I'm optimistic.

What's there to be optimistic you ask?

Because I see the youth, I see even my own generation have some brains and potential. Even that older generations don't give a fuck, and are more interested to get money than thinking of future of their children and grandchildren, but some of my generation have decided to live their life different way, I am, I've been growing among forest, I have always been felt aliened the life around me, the money worship, believe that job brings joy, that governments mean good for the people, that corporations give fuck of us, non of is true, it's just that we have been brainwashed to believe it's the only way, and now, when the youth have waken to see it, governments and corporations are fighting even harder to keep the brainwash on, ruining the school systems, crapping on healthcare, stealing support from those in need.

There's no trushworthy media anymore, They are trying to take over the internet, taking money from schools and libraries... doing all they can to limit the way to get information.

But... it won't stop this. THEY CAN'T STOP YOU!
Take over the world young people, let the babyboomers drown in their own filth, you save what's left. Don't mind us, we had our chance, we didn't take it. 

I refuce to stress about this

This blogging thing.

Small part in me, keep whispering that there should be some rhythm, writing like every week or.. something silly. But today I realized that NO.. Because this whole blog is about me trying to keep sane, getting better and wenting here.

So, I'll write when I have the need to write, not because I felt YOU deserve, but because I feel the urge to write and tell what is happening in my tiny mind.

Now that I'm already writing here, I must say, as you might have noticed, My writing do meander (is that word? is that correct word? is it a word at all?) I might start writing about ... headache but in the end it's you who have it because I'm talking about space and time continuum paradoxes in Doctor Who terminology mixed with bits of Discworld.

the whole point of this blog, when I started it, was because I was such an mess, that I needed to get my thoughts out and because of my state of mind, I could not art, and usually that is my way to went. SO, I started to write a blog about what's happening to me. What I'm thinking, what I don't.

This has helped, and keep on helping I hope. Even that I have slowly started to art again, speak out loud, and write more, another blog, and fictional novel even (I don't know where that goes... but I'm interested to see.

Basically, I dare to be hopeful about my future. And I decided that it's time for me to be me so, I don't write anything but what I want and when I want.

My life as I tell it.

One night, just about that time, when I really thought I could sleep, wanted to sleep, that time, when quite usually my brains go "FUCK YOU DILI DILI DING DONG AND JIIHAA MOTHER FUCKER TAXI TAXI TAXI IN CALCUTTA" It hit me. A thought that had come and go often trough my head. That maybe it is finally time to try to write another time a book. So I started that. Right there and then. On my phone.... And it suck.. writing on the phone, so I change to my laptop.

I shall explain, well.. I shall try to explain. No warranties that it'll help.

Thing is this. I want to write a story of my life... well... kind a... I don't want that my relatives or family can be identified, because they might be shamed of how I see them or how things have gone.  So I will do this another way.

My story shall be true, but completely fiction. Maybe even so much of a fiction that we go to levels of fantasy or scifi, because, as you might know.. I do enjoy those genres the most.

But yes, I will write in the ME point of view and ME the "hero" of the story shall be me!  What happens might be close enough... but.. aaahm well.. with my imagination.. I think it's better say.. this project did start as my fictional biography.

Here's a short TRUE facts of the writer, that is me.

I am Father, Husband, Craftsman/Artist and quite bonkers.
I have adhd, Bipolar disorder, fibromyalgia, and... well, let's say just.. that those are not all.
I love nature, forest, flowers.
I don't like humans as species or even nations or.. small groups.. some individuals are OK.
that's enough.. Oh.. wait.. I like to prepare for end of the world as we know it.... and laugh at those, who say they do the same in the reality-tv.

Now.. I thought I will write the story here. on my blog.. but then again. I think maybe I should start writing it , so .. the ... episodes wont dig in all the other stuff I write here..

well I must think about this some more.

Well.. I've been thinking this about week or so..

and..  because I do have another novel idea also in my head.. I think.. I shall start writing this completely fictional self biography and then.. publish it in new blog.

I don't know where this goes, because I really don't remember much of my past and as I said there is this funky habit of mine to get creative all the time and dive in to pure fiction.
 and since I began writing it on my computer, since first page... it turned to complete fiction.. fantasy that has hint's of my life in it..
oh well.. it got story and I must now write it.
Funny thing happened since I began writing.. after third page, I realized that I was writing in English. It's not my first language so .. this will be interesting. 
Maybe someday I let others read it.

"yeah, but I'm used to work in pain"

"yeah, but I'm used to work in pain" - I said that today (or something similar, can't remember exactly anymore.) when I was talking with wife about which of us should drive to town to get the offspring. She wasn't well, and I had all-body-pain on (because I had to stacking firewood... a lot.. because I was at home alone when firewood came and naturally there was snowing.)

But seriously, is this my life? I'm use to the living in pain? I'm willing to do things even that I'm in pain? I'm so much in pain, that I don't even care anymore.
Damn.. Those rare occasions when I don't have pain.. Well, I don't even realize it.. I'm just wondering why I'm so happy.

I've been suffering one or another kind of pain about.. 11years I think.. Back about then I broke my back.. there's some invertebrate disc that's not working and therefore my right leg is in pain and doesn't work as it use to. Some nerve is in constant pressure. Then there's this nice and friendly fellow, fibromyalgia. Latest pain source has been my hand(s), now.. years ago one doctor took some x-rays and told me that my wrist are full of tiny fractures. And they would not do anything about it.

SO... now things have taken new turn.. My right hand, little finger and ring finger(?) started to be in pain, didn't work well and were numb.. all that at the same time.. So I was first thinking it was something to do with the wrists .. but to my surprise doctor actually took some time to look and done some test.. then she told me, that she thinks there's (again) one nerve in pressure.. and if that's the case, it can be operated (unlike my back, there Doctors wont touch as long as I can walk and control my ... plumbing.) So.. Doctor nicely did send me to this.. ENMG test.. some horrible crap with electricity. It was painful and all the way felt nasty.. but hey, if it helps to find the cause.. go for it. So I took it like Me.

Then.. next day they called me.. that they need to do more tests. this time with needles.

Anyhow.. the thing in here is that.. I live in constant pain. Some days less, some days more.. but it's almost always there.. yet.. People around me (well of course the closest ones do get it ) don't see it, because.. I'm quite healthy looking guy. Take care of my self, have more strength than many.. because I must, so that I can continue work.

But oh those faces when I walk with my cane on the streets.. People do have serious problems with me. Or when I have ... hard day... and wife is the one who carry the groceries and I walk with nothing or maybe with the cane.. or.. it might be me.. who thinks people watch me.. because I feel bad.. I have strength, I could do some much.. but the pain... I can take over it for a short times, I can, like I did yesterday, Stackinf the firewood under the roof, if needed, but I will pay to price. Today... has been hell. My back is in pain and my hand is in pain.

But...

When I saw that wife was not well either... I realized that.. Yep. I'm so use to this pain, that I can drive car and get offspring home. (Well, wife deciced to come along, and it was good, because my hand decided to go all numb and I could not drive well anymore... so it was easier to ask can she drive back home)

remember about my disability pension

So, I've send the paper for two places..

First one did answer today.

They say I'm all fine to go to work.

I can't sleep, I can't concentrate, I can't move much because I'm on pain all the time. Doctors are still just trying to find out what's wrong with me and there's a lot more job to do to get me working condition. But no, the people who have never seen me say otherwise.

But Lucky me. They say I'm all fine so Now I will be sending a job application to there everyday.

Because they say I'm fine for working.