Different and special

Different, special.

It’s quite amazing how much humans are annoyed and terrified by  people who are different… even that when you really look at it, we are all different from each other’s. Different by colour of hair, eyes or skin, Different skills, different brainwaves, different DNA. Different by birth, different by accident or different by choice.

It’s sad, that humans as race, who has gone all the way to the moon, still can’t handle the reality. How some of us are still threatened by people who are not like them, how being different is reason enough to attack verbally or even physically.

But there’s different kind of differences, how people can be special. There are humans, who can’t understand, that in that really sick and broken body can live brilliant mind that shames as all, if only given chance.

There are special people, who look like most of us, but inside are something completely different.

There’s mental health problems, children’s of weeeeird communities, humans from completely different cultures immigrated, and then there are those who just are different.
Who think different, work differently and struggle to be around other “normal” humans. There might be some “illness” that cause it or structural difference in the brains, if they are lucky, there’s medicine that help them to survive around “normal”

The medical help, is not actually for the Special human, but it’s for the society around, because sadly still our bureaucracy, government, hardly anything works for special people, so we eat medicine for other’s to gain. The medication is for the broken system that is stuck in the idea of “normal” that doesn’t exist. Still, after the sacrifice the Special, different ones are those who suffer. Still they are told they are stupid, slow and even evil even that the truth is, that the stupidity is in the eyes of the other’s who can’t see more.  Who refuse to see, that there can be different way.

I think, I’m one of those evolutions stumbles, some of my illnesses are really just special traits in my mind and medicine I take I take for the others. I eat my medicine for my loved ones, so they have little bit easier with me and that’s fine, that’s something I want to do. But I don’t want to have to eat medicine because of the society around me, people who matter nothing to me, archaic schools, Bureaucracy that only feed it self.

But I eat it. I eat my medicine and try my best.
Some of my differences are so radical, that as I said, I eat my medicine gladly because of my family but some I eat because it’s only way to stay part of human race, not to scream in corner of round room, because of stupidity of others, to cheat my way through schools, look like understanding the meaning of most of the jobs..

I strongly believe that we, the different are the future. If we look back in time now, it was my kind of evolution miss steps, that have forced us as race to go forward, even that most of us are always fighting to the chance. More and more, Youth of the nation’s feel outsiders , feel they are different sexually, physically, mentally… or look the world ways that even I can’t comprehend. They are special in ways we can’t see, and they need to be different because only way to survive is move forward, not backwards. I really think, it was someone special who build first wheel, decided to fried potato in oil, or wrote a book about how to travel to moon.

Quite often i feel I'm no good..

I can't do anything right.

Or really often I feel like it  that at least. I have really hard time to see my success, even if there is more of them. If there is even one failure, that's what I see.

Usually the thing now a day is, when I let someone important to me, down.
If I forget a promise, accidentally do or say something hurtful, that will bring me down for whole day or week. I have so few people around me, who to trust and love that I live in constant fear of losing them, because of my head, because I do or say something I don't even really mean and the donkeys back is broken.

I really don't trust people, there's really few I let myself even like or speaking of loving em, and because most of my adulthood I've not noticed or cared about anything but control , I've already lost people I, now looking back, would liked to keep close.

I known I can't be more or other than I am, but I can hope and try to be better, try to not lose the people who matter most.

It's horrible feeling, to not understand or see when you broke promises or step out of line or just lose control and be arsehat.

I know I should not be so hard on myself, doctors and therapist and people around me keeps telling me so… But after being harsehat a couple decades… It's hard to not be. There's so much regret in my life, so much shit I've done and what have been done to me.

I've also cut people out from my life because I've learned I've been only used, or that they've been bringing the worst out of me or because they been complete dicks.

I live in world of few people in real life, but thankfully I've found new family from the online world, all around the globe.

Do you know?

Do you know how it feels when you can't stop? There's energy running through your head, giving ideas after ideas, story after story. How you can't stop drawing, painting, crafting, dancing doing whatever you enjoy (or not) the most. You get high just by doing that one thing, no matter does it take 2h or 32h it must happen at once.

Do you know how it feels when you can't trust your own thoughts and feelings. How you feel like king but behave like zombie, how you can be sad and happy and everything between 42 times a day. How things can be perfect and 5min later you think how easy it would be drive your car of the road. How you accept gladly the nice things random people say to you, but refuse the words of the few wise loved ones who never left even when you gave every reason to.

Do you know how it feels to walk out of kitchen, middle of cooking together with family? Make up excuse because in reality you have to go to cry and you don't even know why.

Do you know how it feels to Cry because you are in pain that is hidden? Cry because your loved ones see you are in pain and try to help and you can't stand to be such a burden. Cry because you are so tired of not remembering what happened hour ago. Cry because things you could do easy two weeks ago feel impossible today. Cry because you can't understand so how could others.

Do you know how it feels to ask others to help you to butter your bread and see the pity or imagine it there?

Do you know the feeling of reading the same page or same sentence again and again because you just can't understand what you are reading? The words make no sense at all.

Do you know how it feels when your mind want to create so much and every movement you make is burning pain?

Do you know how it feels when you mix up words, words that doesn't even sound similar or mean the same? Or how you say always Katkarapu(shrimp) when try to say Karjalanpiirakka(karelia pie) or Raparperi(rhubarb) and make a joke out of it because it hurts.

Do you know how it feels to stay awake days because your body does not want to sleep? Do you know how it feels when your mind doesn't want to sleep? Do you know how it feels when you have to anchor yourself to couch sitting between pillows using all your medications and technical support so you don't move and you could sleep even a bit, until you move your fingers and pain awoken.

Do you know how it feels to sleep, sleep and sleep some more, yet be tired as you were before the sleep.

Do you know how it feel to find yourself thinking to leave your family, love of your life and turtles, because you feel you are just an burden to everyone?

Have you gone through even some of this, know all this and always look like fine healthy human specimen, no outside damage?

No? So don't come tell me I'm weak and complain about nothing, that I can do better if I really want to.

The final straw that pushed me over the edge

And this is why I am keeping a blog now.

I hate my brains quite often. But rescently specially. I have bipolar disorder, mostly manic, and it makes me think I know it all. Naturally that's not the case, usually far from it. It has been better since I had good medication to help me think a bit more before I yell to world that I'm right. I had good medication. Had.

See the thing is that I have also fibromyalgie. Because constant tiresome pain can be quite annoying or even horrible to live with, I asked doctor is there anything to help with it. Because I live in Finland all natural pain relief and other products that people around the world have got help, are banned but I can get drunk every day and government is willing to support me on that… Back to doctor. Doctor read my papers in and ask my about my other illnesses and then wrote me some triptyl.

First at all.. I got slow.. Zombie mode slow.. So we half the dose. Then, of course I didn't realize it then but afterwards, my bipolar started to kick in. I behave erratic, megalomaniac, jealous, crybaby, aggressive, depressed, overly happy and about everything else that usually don't happen to me in even same year. Almost too late I understood that I was losing myself. Too late because I was behaving really bad towards to my wife.

So I called doctor, who didn't believe me, that I cut that shit out… Even that it did help for the pain.

Months goes by, first I felt I get better, then suddenly I didn't. Half a year later I'm at sick leave, waiting for super hyper psychiatrist time. Had to take time off from job and school to keep my head at bay at home. Month ago, I realized that my bipolar medication didn't work anymore, or I hope that is the case, and I am using huge amounts of brain energy to fight off my politicians… demons I ment.

Last months have been like this. I hardly remember anything, short time memory stuff. I sleep but wake up as tired as I was when I went to sleep. I'm slow, stupid and I forget words all the time. And because I'm tired, I lose my concentration to keep my head in balance and I start to slip to bipolar side. And I hate it.

I hate to feel dumb, I hate to fight my brains, I hate to be tired, zombie, egomaniac. I just want back to there where I was in control of me.

Most of my adult life, I've felt either godlylike or completely worthless.

I wasn't pretty boy as young (never really understood the drooling for good looking humans, to me that seems quite, lack of intelligence, sorry) , my only merit was my fast mind and tongue. Because I've never felt like an… Good looking guy, I've been at least smart, funny and even charismatic (or so I've been told) but lately I've lost it all.

So it's been. Hellish. My self image has always been quite poor, but actually since the beard, gotten bit better :). But because my head is still complete mess, and I've never been able to get strength from good look…I wish I could go back to work, but I'm in apprenticeship deal for, youth worker and I'm not sure can I do that even if I get my head better.

Let's make one thing clear

Let's make one thing clear.

The point of this blog is to open life of adhd, bipolar, fibro man. But it is also my blog. Couple first writings I asked others to read through and do some spell checking. Then… sorry for you, I realised that my dyslexia is huge part of my life and if others fix my trace… You kind of miss part of the authentic Adventures of faulty man experience.

So, I will do all by myself. Write as bad English as I write Finnish. And believe me, my writing is much more easier to digest, than me speaking.

I have hard time to stay in subject, I write these blogs in long run so same text might be written in 32 different head. I do read em trough again and again before posting, but no longer I ask anyone to do foolproof.. Spell checking.

If you want to make this even more real, then check this adhd simulator

Anyhow.

I'm sure this blog will seem quite dark at the moment. I'm in bad place and starter to write this to stay sane, or as much sane I can, so I won't whine all the time. I didn't realize that by asking others to spell check, would mean they would have to read it too.

But I'm getting help already, got new doctor who really had dig in to my situation, offered me different ways to step forward and promised not to vanish as they usually do. So let's hope that in time, I start to see more positively world around me. And even more, that I get my brains back to my control.

That been said, thank you for reading, I would like to get comments, that does my ranting give any emotions or ideas and if there's things you would like to ask.

Just remember, that I'm me, not your wife or child. Even that we might have same diagnose, it's not the same. Everyone is different even in illnesses.

And please, don't ask about medication, I'm not a doctor, I've found working medication is critical to me to be able to live in human society, right now I'm not sure will that help me to do my job, but I would be happy to just be able to not be a pain in the ass of my loved ones.

What I was

What I was.

Let's not go much to the childhood. I was energetic, read a lot, played alone in the forests, lived always half in my imagination so people had hard times to know when the things I said were true and when not, because to me it was all true. Thats all I have to say about my childhood.. Home I was happy every where else, not so much because never felt to fit in.

I had some friends, but not best friend. I spent lots of time with my siblings and cousins,  but only my little brother felt to understand my thoughts and that happened in the later years. I wasn't evil or stupid, just cuite basic ADHD child, sadly schools turned me to look bad boy.

I think.. Hmm. I was smart guy, knew a lot and felt that I was better than others, (now… I still think that, but now I also have facts to back it up.. 😉😂). I was strong, smart man who could not control he's emotions, thoughts, energy, impulses…  nothing in him, so I instead tried to control my surroundings. Basically I was really unstable megalomaniac.

I had lots of friends, but only few really good ones, rest of the people told me how cool and nice I was because they never saw the real me so using that I was arsehat to others. 

I had always some excuses why there must be money for, beer, bar, new computer, game console.. Huge bottles of raw booze... What ever I wanted and what others needed were secondary.

When I went to have fun, it really meant I was drinking myself as drunk as I could. When I was drunk I was usually really mean to people, thinking I was funny because I was laughing, and I sure couldn't be wrong, it was others who had no sense of comedy.

I was always so full of energy and ideas and didn't really have healthy ways to handle it, so I drink way to much. I played on pc or consoles (that I just bought, money or not) and didn't sleep. (well I still don't sleep much).

I have heard that adhd/bipolar both drive people to find some extra sex around…

I haven't had that ever, but I did have habit to flirting with females and sometimes males, and not even noticing it and legend says they were flirting back, and I sure didn't notice that either… But I think I've done about everything else shitty thing there is in a book.

Because I got bored, we have moved around alot, almost never with a good reason. I have at least made studies and working harder for wife because I got an idea to start to study too, in another city (nope I didn't graduate) or got myself a job in another city just when she had things going good… We move and I broke my back and end the job.
I fucked up more studies for my self than others even ever dream to study. Only ones I didn't get in school I was trying to get in. 

But I'm better now, only currently I'm wondering can I study in school anymore as to me it feels that my learning difficulties does only get worse.

So… YoU get the picture?