Letter to you

What have I learned about myself lately. 

I know I'm difficult.
I know depression does sometimes take control of me, and I do things that are mostly meant to cause me pain... sadly I cause pain to you too at the same time.

I use to be maniac so this depression game is new and confusing to me.

But. I'm also smart, everyone agree on that. I'm kind, not everyone agree on that, but most does. I take care of people around me. I protect them.. I protect them from me too, and that is something I try to stop doing, because I have to let you see the full me.

I'm funny, I've been told that more than once, I'm half mad funny, I see fun in things that others see sadness.

I'm not slick romantic guy. I don't know how or even want to dazzle you with my words. I tell things as I see them. I don't have ulterior motives.
If I say you are beautiful, I say it because you are that in my eyes.
If I say you are funny, it's because you make me laugh or at least smile (and believe me, that's not easy task).
If I say you are smart or brilliant, that's because I've had long and enlightening conversations with you, and you have made me see new things in things and situations that I thought to know already.
If I say fuck off. You've pissed me off. But I still might like you in generally.
If I say I will brake your legs. Then I don't like you at all.
Also If you get a feeling I'm laughing at you... I most likely am.

I don't enjoy be among people. But I do because... well. I don't know.. I don't want to be complete hermit, I just enjoy to be alone or with only few important people.

When I love you, I say, I love you. I hug you, kiss you, if you let me. I don't try to take that by force, nor with slimy words, not by acting something I'm not. If me don't work, then we wont kiss.

I love many things, there' s list here, in blog about all the things, that I have found this far, that I love.

I enjoy many things. I enjoy good books (well, audiobooks, since reading got hard), movies and television shows. I enjoy art and craft, specially clay. I'm really talented with my hands. In many ways. Even that they don't always work.  I enjoy nature, walking there, sleeping there, hunting, gathering eatable stuff.
I enjoy spending time with people I love.

I wish to have a dog someday again.

I hope to move real countryside someday.

I live in constant pain, sometimes it makes me sad and bit bitter, sometimes I'm overly happy because of it. Mind does funny tricks on me.

I don't drink. Alcohol is not a friend of mine, and I'm done walking on the line.

after all... I can't be anything but me.
and I hope you can accept that.

Have a good day. 

High function depression

This is positive blog, because I feel that every time when I learn something about my illnesses, helps me understand it and therefore keep it under supervision.

As you know, I was in deep depression last summer... well... most of last year. There was lot's of reasons for that, and you can find out about those by reading my older posts. So I don't go there now. I was there, now I know how to fight it and my medication and kind-of-therapy help. So, after one long and deep depression I hope I can keep it at bay. I really hope so.

But that's what I was about to talk this time... well.. write.

I've been wondering lately, why I feel so sad, and why I say and think dark thoughts and why I'm tired all the time, even when I have enjoyed, like when our dear friend visited us, I was so tired after that, that I just had to take a nap.... well I did have headache also. Anyhow. My unconscious mind have been doing a lot of shit to me lately, but I didn't realize it earlier. So.. naturally I managed to make a lot of damage. But this doesn't feel the same as the depression of last year so I didn't understood what was happening and therefore... I fucked things up. So I started to wonder, just now, about High function depression, I had hear my offspring use a term.

I have let myself learn that there are so many different kind of depressions, of course because whole concept of depression was new to me until last year, I had no way to know what was happening now

"The signs and symptoms of high-functioning depression are similar to those caused by major depression but are less severe. They may include changes in eating and sleeping habits, low self-esteem, fatigue, hopelessness, and difficulty concentrating. Symptoms persist on most days, causing a nearly constant low mood that lasts for two years or more. Most people function almost normally but struggle internally. Treatment is possible for high-functioning depression through medications and therapy."

In my case, beside those, I seem to try to separate my self from people who I love. Even that I can work, function quite normally, even have happy moments, my brain keep on doing fucking tricks on me, making me think things that not really matter to me or do things that I don't want to do or say things.
I believe it's related to my self-confidence problems, the my depressed unconscious  mind try to make me... well.. as said, separate from people who I love and who give me strength to fight. I managed to start building my self-confidence in this... couple last months, and now, this sneaky bastard did ruin it silently and I didn't see it. But I do my best to keep it happening again.

I have to talk about this with my doctor, because this is so much harder to notice and understand. I mean, I act quite normal, I do art, I watch movies, do house chores, write, study Spanish. But all this time I'm sad, I have difficulties to sleep, I'm thinking things that make me sad or angry or hopeless but it all happens so sneaky that I don't really realize it at all. I would not have started to see this, I mean, I would not know what's wrong with me if there wasn't friends around the globe who talked with me and told me to check this out, and I remembered how my offspring had been talked it too, so.. I started to find information about it.. and Surprise surprise it fit quite well in my current situation. So.. if I survive the fallout of the crap I managed to cause... I hope and believe I can recognize the symptoms before I fuck things up again.

I said this is positive blog. And to me it is. Even that I managed to cause serious damage again, I now know how to prevent it happen ever again.
I learned a lot, about depression generally and high-function one.

I need to know what and why to do something about it.
The thing that have lately make things harder is that my mental health problems have suddenly change from what it use to be, and I'm still trying to learn to live with this... new.. situation.

I just hope that people around me, the important people around me can see my struggle to find me again.

oh shut up.. this is positive.

I'm learning. I'm finding tools to get better.

It is hard.. but I do try

My new way of life.

I'm haunted by memories that I can't be sure are they true. I'm haunted about things that are not true, and I'm haunted by things I know but I don't want to know.

I'm depressed again been a long while now, just didn't realize it earlier, which suck, because IT fooled me again to do things, and it's hitting hard, yet some fuck up system in me wont let me show it, so I try to write this, my open journal to tell it, tell how bad I feel. But I'm bored to be victim of my own mind, even that my depressed mind let things that are good, evade me. Even the things that are most important to me fill me sadness. I keep on fighting, and only thing I've found to help me, is to concentrate on good memories.

But I try.

So, because the my depression I start to think all the crap from things years and years ago, things that I'm not sure are they true or products of my dark mind.

So I try to find memories that make me happy, memories that I'm pretty sure are true.

Memories that I hope are true but non the less they do bring me joy and are important and after years of darkness, I can remember them again.

I was drunk, as it was quite usual back then. I was teenager in new city without any real friends, studying in school that I thought was good for me, well I thought that before I had studied there a while. So, I was drunk and walking around the city. Alone.( later I found handful of humanoids that I quite enjoyed to stay around.) Trying to find someone to fight with, but it was middle of week so, city was quite silent.
I send couple text messages to people I knew, can't remember what.
Then my phone ring.
Sound wasn't familiar to me, but it was interesting. Female started to teas me. Can't remember the words, but she sounded wonderful and she knew who I was. Before that, I didn't believe anyone had really noticed me beside couple guys with whom I had done some projects. She talked to me, wanted to know me, had amazing wit and brain and she rocked my world in that phone call. I was in the city when she called. I sit in .. pavilion, speak with her, tell more about myself than I had ever told to anyone. TO someone I had no idea who she was.

First time in my life I felt someone was truly interested about me. Because I had obviously already then quite poor self-confidence I reasons unknown to me started to talk about someone else, but she told me, she wanted to hear about me, not that someone. At some point I started to walk to back home, but still I was on the phone, talking to that someone all the time. Hours. I can't, sadly, remember all what we talked in that call, I would love to remember, because I can remember that I fall in love then, without even knowing who she was. All I knew that she was in the same school with me, we had some common  acquaintance whom she had got my number.
I walked .. I think something like 6km to home, and still we were on the phone, talking about everything. She had amazing mind, glorious humor and so talented user of sarcasm. She did give me hint's who she might be, but to be honest, I had no idea. I walked in school quite blind, because there was so many arselings and I didn't want to have anything to do with them, so obviously I did miss alot of those, who might not be arselings.

So.. I was at home, we finally ended the call... and I had still no idea who she was. I couldn't sleep that night. I was sober again.. and I was haunted who she was.

Next day was school day, as I said, I was drunk middle of week. I walked in classroom and somehow, I knew. One most beautiful smile I had ever seen from the face I had never noticed before... then there's a long dark period. I don't remember did we talk then or not. All I can remember was that she send me a message, I think... might have been call too.. Asked would I skip school with her. and I jumped on table, walked out of classroom. Teacher just stand there and looked confused.

We had great day, she, me and our common friend, we walked around the city, talked. At some point she started to tease me, stole my scarf and tiny things like that.

I will never forget.

I know, I've told this story differently before, mostly about what made me see her and how I reacted.. I don't know why.. somehow some toxic masculinity didn't let me tell her, that it was her mind that made me fall for her right then and there. Don't get me wrong, she was beautiful. She is beautiful woman with amazing mind.

I love you. 

Things I love

I love that I have people who I love,
I love that I have people who love me.
I love the pink shoelaces I have, watching them makes me always smile.
I love my offspring
I love my offspring's wonderful humor, wit and good heart. 
I love my wife, I have learn a lot from her.
I love my wife even more, she hasn't let me push her a way.
I love my wife, because I love.
I love my wife's wit, her humor and strong and pig heart.
I love the smile on their faces, their laugh and words.
I love that they are here, near to me.
I love to see them happy,
I love to see them excited.
I love the scent of my wife.
I love the noise that our offspring makes, even the farts.
I love books, even that I can't read well.
I love to listen audiobooks, because I can't read well anymore.
I love my sister, even that shes quite bonkers.
I love my sisters kids, they are smart and noisy and asking a lot of good questions.
I love my brother, hes weird and smart and taller than me, yet he don't get fat and that I don't like.
I love to draw, paint and sculpt, I love to tell the stories inside me.
I love all the childrens of my siblings, they make me happy, yet I get tired fast, but still I'm happy with them.
I love my mother, I have learn a lot from her.
I love my father, and I miss him.
I love my mother's new man, he is important and sweet.
I love the nature, It keeps me .. well us all, going.
I love movies, they help me.
I love my few friends, the talks and silences.
I love my family
I love dogs. Every dog. Dogs are wonderful and always make me smile.
I love A'tuin and Morla, our turtles, they make me smile everyday just because they are silly.
I love to write, another way to tell my stories, even that I'm not so good at it.
I love to be alone, but not for long.
I love cows, they know how to live.
I love the sheep, they are like tiny cows.
I love my twisted humor, my ability to find fun from everything if I want.
I love my brain, it's not completely wast of space, but need a bit tinkering.
I love my laptop, it has awesome battery and enough power for Netflix and Wesnoth.
I love my family, because I don't say it enough.
I love my open mind, I can't think how hard it would be to hate something just because you don't understand it.
I love doing crafts, no it's not the same as art... well.. maybe a bit.
I love to learn new things, learning is good.
I love my adhd, it gives me ideas and energy.
I love my Bipolar Disorder... well... without it I would still think I'm just evil.
I even love fibro, it has raise my pain threshold.
I love Finland, yet not so much the government. 
I love our home, baking oven the most. 
I love Discworld, I've learned more from there than school.
I love myself, but I need to learn to love little bit more. 
I love that I just get more clay for free from a person.
I love the Google map, even that it did lead to to wrong address today, but usually it works.  
I love to talk about my difficulties to people who might benefit from my struggles. 
I love to be experience speaker, yeh, it's the same as last one.
I love ... oh I forgot that one.
I love that I have bit twisted brain, it keeps things fresh. 
I love my dyslexia it keeps making me laugh.
I love that I can still love. 
I love Lord of the rings, it opened my eyes to fantasy when I was just a kid.
I love star trek, it gives me hope
I love Star Wars, it makes me wonder
I love Star Gate because RDA and all the weird worms in all the planets.
I love Farscape... who would not and Ben
I love Firefly... oh do I love that show
I love Doctor Who and every reincarnation of IT. 
I love how long this list is already, and I seem to find still more things I love.
I love that I feel sad, that I'm to tired to write more of those.
I love that I can make another "Things I love" list.

This is the first day of my new life.

So, I've been seeing this.. well not therapist but mind-nurse, if you get what I mean. And with combination of  about working medicine.. well.. I've found that I have damn a lot knots in me.
Some are god damn stupid, and by these I seem to be able to destroy all the good stuff around me.
I have not much self-respect or self-confidence, I know why, I won't be revealing that here, but believe me I know who have destroyed it when I was kid and since then I just never managed to build em. I was bullied in elementary school, until I learned that I'm hell of a lot stronger (physically) and meaner than my bullies and it was just easier to keep that image up. So instead of trying to build me self confidence or respect I build walls and imaginary me. Me who was strong, smart and invincible, yet inside there was this tiny boy who was afraid everything, afraid to be alone, didn't find people to connect. And I kept that fucked-up image up for a long long time.

I kept it going so long that I started to believe it.

I did push people away by just being such an arseling.

For a long time I thought there was nothing wrong with me nor in my childhood
I hide my pain from myself, I'm pretty sure I've painted my memories to be more happy.

Well.. Then I got diagnosed and started to think about what am I. But I never realized that it was my lack of self-respect/confidence what kept me from happiness. I had wife who I loved more than I can ever explain to her or anyone, I have offspring who I love equally as much as wife, but different way yet, I because of my poor self-respect/confidence I tried to get theirs down too. Well, thankfully I started to understand something before I ruined amazing offspring, but I am so sorry for the wife.

I now know that I have hated myself so much, that I have tried to push people who I care away, because I thought don't deserve them and I am just not man enough to walk away because.. well.. I love them so much more than I can say.

I'm getting better, well I was, now, I think because of the stress I get from government decision, I've again fallen down a bit, and I once again did, well said, something completely stupid, something that even I know was stupid, but still I had to say it out loud and at the same moment when the words had left my lips, I know I had made a huge mistake and because of nothing, because of my fucked ego, yet that stupid thing felt huge and bad apple in me, that I lost my ability to sleep... and at the same time... it's so stupid. so stupid. But I had to say it to get over it. And since I saw what I had done, how much I had hurt another, I panic. that How I roll. I panic and push forward, make everything even worse. I build my walls and attack when I should just.. well.. shut the fuck up.

So.. suddenly I realize I'm driving like a madman. Thinking "what if..." thank fully not "I will..." Then I woke. I started to see what I'm doing to myself.

I often think, that I deserve all my illnesses, I deserve to feel to be different, alone. I deserve the constant pain because I'm such a horrible person.
But it's not true, and I need to make me believe it.

I'm so broken that obviously still I think, somewhere beyond my conscious
mind can see, that I deserve to be alone.

I will need to learn to love myself, honestly and real me. Not the one that I build around me.

But I fight. I know now that I'm my own worst enemy and when I know what's the problem, I can do something about it... usually.

So... my first step is this.
I stop writing negative side of my life. Because there's lot's of good stuff in my life and I need to start acknowledge that.

I have people and things that I love, I have people who love me.
I love the pink shoelaces I have, watching them makes me always smile.

Life can be good. I will get there.
This is the first day of my new life.

oh you young people... please take control of your future!

I'm trying, but I'm not well and it seems that so many in my generation has swallowed the capitalistic propaganda 

All this shit is starting to annoy me much.

Not the shit in me or my personal life, caused by me medical... difficulties.

But the shit that happens everywhere.

Since when Nazi's weren't complete and utter shit? Since fucking when it has been OK to tell others to kill in the name of race or religion?

When the hell have humans fall this down again?

How the white men feel so scared that they do shit and then blame it on the victims. How the so called leaders of countries almost systematically destroy the earth, the economy, the future of the children, all in the name of capitalism. There seem to be some Humans among the leaders, sadly non in Finland and for sure non in USA or UK.. what I've looked around even Australia is going to shit.

If so called leaders of world keep on inciting racism attacks on other religious, blame sick, unemployed, old and young of the shit that happens because THEY don't care.. well they don't deserve to be the leaders.

Young people. we have seen what the governments have done lately, so I say it's time to try something else.
SO first, before hostile takeover (as so many of the world leaders have done in the business world... well not those who get the little bit of money from dad to start the business and then have ruined almost everything... did you know that Lady Gaga is more successful in business that Trump ever?) let's try this voting thing. I know most of us (yes I consider my self quite young yet) have lost the hope of voting because of the fucking babyboomers who have lost if ever had any moral or caring to the future of earth... but damn.. they will die sooner or later... so YOU must start take over.

Speak to your parents. At least try to make them see how they are hurting you by voting the same shit again and again. 

You people, oh you young people.  Save us.

Albert Einstein: “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”.

I'm so tired all the time

Because of the constant battle in my head (yet my new medication does help with it, and I'm currently waiting for my Doctor to call, that can we maybe get the dose up a bit) I'm really tired all the time. Tired but incapable to sleep well and therefore I'm tired.. nice yes.

Because I'm so tired all the time, I have to push my self to do the necessary things, like make food, eat, wash clothes, dishes, clean the house, do my stretching to keep my broken parts in bit better shape... you know the drill. I even dream that I start to exercise to get my strength up, and I try to study coding and do my art and... there's so much I want to do, but usually I don't, because I'm so tired. Not tired physically, well, bit that too, but mostly tired mentally.

I'm sure I'm affected by the fact that I'm forced to wait, live in uncertainty of what is happening. You see, my doctor thought a while a go that I am in no shape at all to get back in the rat race, finding job, school or anything, so she and me, we decided to try to get me a temporary disability pension, for a year, so I could really get up from this swamp I've been last year. Get my medication, therapy and all in order, finishing my diagnoses because even there is still some uncertainty. And... and currently I'm just waiting what the faceless bureaucracy will decide for me. Wait what doctors who never see me or talk to me decide by the papers that others have written about me. so.. yeah. I have lot's of reason to be worried.

So how does this tiredness affect my life and others?

I don't do my share of the domestic work, I can't do hard physical because my tiredness does make my pains worse. I say I'm in pain when I'm actually more just tired but also afraid I'll be in pain if I do that something.

I'm quite restless all the time and annoying to others I think, hard to be sure on that. I try to be relaxed but I don't know have I managed to do so.

I hope my journey to get better do continue, because I am better than I was couple months ago, I really am. I dare to dream again, think about where to find me a job or new profession (but getting in school again does frighten me bit), I've been thinking this coding business, but I don't really have snack on it, then there's graphic business, where I do have some hope, but there's not so much job's around and I'm more like 3D guy (that's why I am ceramic artist and in one point of my life did do 3D-graphics to a pc game) and  that took my to think about Industrial Design and Audiovisual media Culture but then again... if my hand is fixable like lates doctor said.. I could maybe study to be Hairdresser or Welder (not sure why those two interest me.. well.. I've been cutting hair since kid.. but.. Welder.. well.. idea of making metallic sculptures does interest me.

anyhow

it seems I ones again lost my thought here..

well.. it happens.

My feelings are quite sad.

It's still the stress (when I write this) that cause me to curl deep inside me and just want to cry (which I can't do because I'm so fucked up).
I have lot's of feelings, they are just stuck somewhere deep in side me and even that I know they are there, I can't use 'em at all.
It's horrible, I don't know have any of you ever been in this situation.
I can't really show my love to my wife, I want, I can say the words and I mean them, but I can't show it.
I believe I'm kind of depressed at the moment, but not quite because I have working medication, so, I don't look depressed I can work.. I've heard word High function depression and I believe I'm in something similar.

I don't like this.

I want to feel better, I want to open the knots in me, I want to have life again. Life without constant fear of everything.
Life where I can feel wanted.
Life where I dream.

I had that for a short time, so I know the medication is correct. But the huge stress about where and when do I get the money to live have push me back down in the dark hole where I try to cry help but no one hear me. I try to use words, but because I act different, my words are ignored. I don't want to be a burden so I just keep most of it inside. More so, because I know lot's of my loved ones are not so well either.

SO.. couple days and I have meeting with my new mentalhealth nurse/ therapist, I hope so much it'll help, I need to get better. But. I don't trust people, she's a new person to me, so it'll take hell knows how long for me top open, if never. I know I have so much things in my life that I should, no, need to talk about but I can't start it and I need help in that.

I need to know what is the reason that I feel this shit. I need to know.

As long as I can't feel safe, I can't let go even a bit. I keep my self in control so much that it's not good at all. But I can't change that because I'm afraid I loose it completely. I need to get some stability before I can start letting me free a bit.

I have no idea does this make any sense to anyone. I just try to thoughtpuke to easy my feeling even a bit.

I feel shit.

I fucked up again.

I know it's the stress that make's me have this lapse, but still it hurt me. It hurt me to see the look in my family's eyes, it hurt to hear the words and all the time I can only say and think. " I know!"

I say stupid, hurting words. I don't mean to, I don't even realize those might be wrong words, not before I've said them and then there's that look. Something in me don't let me even apologize right a way, no I need some time to beat my self up first, then I can apologize and even explain.

I'm such a mess right now, even that my medication does take the worst edge off from both ends, but it doesn't help with adhd, and I'm not sure do I want to start different medication for that, last one didn't help much. Maybe later, when I've gotten this fucked up bipolar disorder back in my control... well hopefully even bit more.

But this is hell at the moment. I don't know really who am I. I am uncertain about everything, even how to make a fucking food. I can't make up my mind in little things or big things. I've lost my self somewhere in this hell that started over year ago when something triggered something in me, and everything went to shit. I can be calm on the outside.. well kind of.. but inside me there's a war going... or maybe it's more like earthquake and global warming mixed with alien tsunami.

I try to hide my uncertainty all my mess inside, I feel ashamed of it, so I act like I'm the superman or something. I try to hide the feeling of being nothing so hard. I'm quite sure that this actually just make things worse, both to people around me and me. But I don't know how to stop... yet. I will find it. I will.


I need to cry, but cry don't come. I need to sleep, but sleep don't come.

Yet.

I know I'm getting better, the medicine is working enough for me to be hopeful again, but I need help to get my self back in shape, and currently the professionals haven't been able to help me much, because, I'm in line to get more examinations to know what is wrong with me and maybe then they can help me get better.

But what I feel is.. that I'm lost. Lost in me.

I try to unload myself on.. well.. here. I write novel/s. I paint, drawn and hopefully get to make ceramics again too. I study Spanish, just because. I dream to at least try to get in university. But.. most of all I dream to find my self again, to be able to be great father and great husband.

I love you wife.
I love you offspring.

Thank you and Sorry.

Never give up, Never Surrender.