happy memories from my childhood

This depression doesn't give up. So I must continue to dig up my happy memories. 

I have thought that I had a happy childhood, but now, when i try to remember those, I just cant.
I know It wasn't bad, I know I was happy often, but not so much that I've let myself believe.

My self-confidence was destroyed as kid, I don't blame anyone about it,I didn't know it, I didn't deal with it.

But there are some happy moments that I can remember.

Most of those are, maybe sad sounding, but I was most happy, as a kid when I was playing around forest. Alone. I had lot's of imaginary friends whom play with me the games I wanted to play. Games that real people didn't want to play with me. So I run around forest completely in my mind, having adventures for  a life time.  I had, I think around ten hidden ... I don't know.. hut's made of trees, branches, moss. I kept them hidden, because sometimes, when some people found my hut, they broke them. I had tiny treasures in my huts, beautiful rock's, fallen antlers, I even gathered berries and mushrooms in there, to have something to eat, yes, when I was kid, I knew pretty well what mushrooms were ok to eat, now not so much. I spend a lot of time around the river, I walked riverside a long way.

I didn't have many friends back then, and I didn't believe those few who said they were my friend, don't know why, maybe I was scared.. maybe I just wanted to be alone, maybe we were just too different.

I remember how I loved to walk with my grandma, she teach me a lot of nature, what herbs there were, what mushrooms are fine to eat ;) and she never got bored to answer my questions. Or.. that's how I remember her.
I loved to spend time with one of my uncles too, he had always time for me. We walked around, he told me about oldways, how they had get trees from the forest with horse, how there was a horse and other animals when he was young. He told how firewood should pile so it would dry better. He too seem to have a lot of time to listen me.

I remember how then, crying was easy. I miss that. I feel that I have almost completely lost the ability to cry. Sure there's times when something hurt my heart so much or .. some.. music trigger some faint memory.. but most of time, I can't cry, no matter how much I want.

Let's see.. what else happy I remember from my youth. Well. Books. I read then a lot, another talent I have almost lost. Because of my adhd/dyslexia there are sometimes even years when I can't read much about anything.. but back then.. I for sure had adhd, but it didn't bother my readings. I loved J.R.R Tolkien and the Middle-earth. I loved David Eddings and Silk most of there. I found Witches of Discworld quite young, and now I can admit.. I did read Carolyn Keen's Nancy Drew books and .. even "worse" I read a lot of romance novels. 

I loved to visit, almost daily, my godparents, mostly my god-mother. She had always time for me, always willing to listen my stories, play card with me, laugh with me, teach me things. It was wonderful back then, because I get to eat a lot. I could eat, or not eat, at home go then to grandmoms place and eat or to godmother and eat there or not. It was wonderful. 

I miss the dogs.. we had always dog's and dog's understood me better than humans, they loved me unconditionally. I didn't need to prove myself to dogs.
at one point, one old dog moved to live with us, I think I remember that it was beaten by it's caretaker, and I don't know how, but one day dad just came home with it. the awesome moment from my childhood was that I was the first human it let pat it's back. I spend days just sitting near it, let it come to me. It was so special. 

I'm sure we had some trips. I can't remember those, when I was older we did do hiking, those I remember. I also remember how I loved it.. company was ok. but it was the hiking and nature that made me happy.. nature still makes me happy. 

I was happy about my sister, even that she was treated like a princess, I loved her. We had and have lot's of common. 

When the youngest of us came along... well that was awesome too. Later he has grown to be one of my most trusted humans.

Sadly... that's all the happy memories I can find this time from my childhood. Maybe there's more.. I just can't remember them yet.

one of the best.

She told me, she was pregnant. I don't think it was completely planned, but it wasn't either unwanted, maybe bit more on the side of planned. I was young and I was so ready to be father.

I remember how I called to my dad. Told him that he's going to be grandfather.
Dad was.. "Oho.. really. well.. " and cut the phone. Couple minutes later. He called back and was like completely different man. He was so happy and so joyous.

The pregnancy wasn't easy, there was stuff I believe, again sadly I can't remember.

I remember how I talked to baby when it was still inside her.

I remember how it had to be done by C-section because he was so big and... something.

I remember how annoyed I was that nurses and doctors didn't let me be with her in the room, I had to watch trough some glass when I wanted to be there, holding her hand.

I remember how nurse walked to me, with tiny human in her hands.

I remember how my heart melt when i saw that tiny troll.

I remember how scared I was to hold him.

I remember how everything change.

I remember how nurse teach me how to change the diaper. Wash him.

I remember how we took family room in hospital, even that we didn't really could afford it.. but I wanted to much to sleep next to them.

I remember so much also not good stuff... I even wrote those here.. then I deleted it and pretend for now, it didn't happen.

I hope I can sleep now.

If there's anything I'm proud. It's our offspring. WE have help this amazing young offspring to find who he is.

Happy memories

I am saddened that I can't remember much about my offspring childhood. But there is somethings.

I remember how I was playing with him at the floor and he drool all over me.

I remember how when we tried to bath him, we needed umbrella.

I remember how I took him fishing with me, and how much he loved to get more fishes than me.

I remember his absolute belief that I could fix everything.

I loved to read him stories. We read Hobbit, and I think even Lord of the rings? and sometimes I just made up stories for him and oh boy did he love those.

When he was just tiny and had a bad day, there was two ways to calm him. Either listening Metallica or me talking. I mean, those were two of my tools.

I remember how he build always and everything.

I have it still. the bookmark he made for me. once he got angry at me, for reason that I can't remember, and he rip the bookmark in pieces... and then.. after short while he taped it back together.. I still love that bookmark and use it all the time.

The first day at school. I think we walked there all three... It was horrible, but I was also quite proud.

The offspring have always been kind. Even as kid he went to talk with everyone and somehow even the drunk old people were nice to him. He is still kind and tender soul.

Once he wanted to sleep in tent after some party. So we put the tent up and went to sleep... but then.. he had eaten so much all the party food, that he got sick.

I remember how he was sitting on computer, and playing Tetris like a pro... then .. bit later I realized that it was demo on, and he only pretended to play.

More things I love

My sneaky high function depression does keep on going. So I keep on tricking my brains and make a list of things I love.

I love stars, i love to lie down on snow and watch the night sky
I love summernights and campfire
I love the smell of air after thunderstorm
I love fall sleep holding my live in my arms.
I love the life without alcohol, yet still sometimes it's hard.
I love ceramics, the feel of clay between my finger.
I love ceramics, the unknown what you find when open the kiln door.
I love to make love with my love.
I love to do hard labour as much as my body can handle.
I love flowers, all flowers.
I love nettle in field, in tea in bread.
I love my few friends who don't have the need to stay in contact every day, but after years it's like we had met just yesterday.
I love when my wife laugh my stupid stuff.
I love to laugh to my wife's stupid stuff.
I love the offspring and his amazing mind.
I love my beard, and would love to have a huge one, but I'm too lazy take care of it.
I love people who buy my art, it make me feel good when someone else love something I've made. 

I love to be able to help others.
I love to speak about my difficulties to others, whom might get some help from my adventures. 

I love to hunt, but I don't shoot often. 

I love to hold her hand when we are shopping. 

I love to take a walk with her. 

I Love to hug the offspring

I love to hug my god-daughter and her brother. 

I love to hug rest of the kid's in my family. 

I love woolen stockings winter and summer... and spring and autumn. 

I love to get better. 

I love the amazing people I've found from internet.
I love my sister from internet. 

I love my imagination, but bit sad that I don't know how to use it in basic life.

I love to swim in natural waters. 

I love to eat smoked fish. 

I love to go fishing at summer.

I love that I can find so many things I love. 

I love to have amazing people in my life. 

I love that I might have to write third list of things I love. 

I love to study Spanish.

Happy memories

I keep on writing up my happy memories in my battle with depression.

It seems to me, that most of my happy memories involve my family.

So here's some. 

I can't say when...
But we had met, spend time together. I can't remember why, or where.. just that in the city we studied.

One night, I don't know where there just the two of us, or was there others..

We sit in swings in the children playground. Talking.

Talking about everything. Laughing together.

That's one of my most precious memories.

I hate that I can't remember more.

But I remember the first time she kissed me. To me it was pure magic.

I do remember how I sit in bench in school, her leg's were in my lap and teacher walk by and (can't remember the words) and was .. "so sweet."

I remember how I lived alone.. alone indeed in this tiny and horrible apartment. How once I came there from my parents place... and she was sitting on the porch with big bag of clothes and stuff. and she looked happy, as happy as I was.

I remember the calls, the letters we send each others when we were apart. I was poor writer then, so I think i draw stuff I thought to be romantic.. I have no idea were those.

I remember how she tease me about easy I was... but she never realized that I was easy only because of her. it was she, who made me easy... for her.

I remember how we talked about everything. She told me so much, stuff that she don't even remember she told me then. She said that I didn't tell her as much, but I told what I could and most of all, I told her about my feelings.

I remember how she made me feel... wanted... loved... missed.

This helps. It helps to remember the good stuff. I just hope to remember more.

It's bit weird perhaps how many of my good memories are connected to her. But.. it's not to me. 

Letter to you

What have I learned about myself lately. 

I know I'm difficult.
I know depression does sometimes take control of me, and I do things that are mostly meant to cause me pain... sadly I cause pain to you too at the same time.

I use to be maniac so this depression game is new and confusing to me.

But. I'm also smart, everyone agree on that. I'm kind, not everyone agree on that, but most does. I take care of people around me. I protect them.. I protect them from me too, and that is something I try to stop doing, because I have to let you see the full me.

I'm funny, I've been told that more than once, I'm half mad funny, I see fun in things that others see sadness.

I'm not slick romantic guy. I don't know how or even want to dazzle you with my words. I tell things as I see them. I don't have ulterior motives.
If I say you are beautiful, I say it because you are that in my eyes.
If I say you are funny, it's because you make me laugh or at least smile (and believe me, that's not easy task).
If I say you are smart or brilliant, that's because I've had long and enlightening conversations with you, and you have made me see new things in things and situations that I thought to know already.
If I say fuck off. You've pissed me off. But I still might like you in generally.
If I say I will brake your legs. Then I don't like you at all.
Also If you get a feeling I'm laughing at you... I most likely am.

I don't enjoy be among people. But I do because... well. I don't know.. I don't want to be complete hermit, I just enjoy to be alone or with only few important people.

When I love you, I say, I love you. I hug you, kiss you, if you let me. I don't try to take that by force, nor with slimy words, not by acting something I'm not. If me don't work, then we wont kiss.

I love many things, there' s list here, in blog about all the things, that I have found this far, that I love.

I enjoy many things. I enjoy good books (well, audiobooks, since reading got hard), movies and television shows. I enjoy art and craft, specially clay. I'm really talented with my hands. In many ways. Even that they don't always work.  I enjoy nature, walking there, sleeping there, hunting, gathering eatable stuff.
I enjoy spending time with people I love.

I wish to have a dog someday again.

I hope to move real countryside someday.

I live in constant pain, sometimes it makes me sad and bit bitter, sometimes I'm overly happy because of it. Mind does funny tricks on me.

I don't drink. Alcohol is not a friend of mine, and I'm done walking on the line.

after all... I can't be anything but me.
and I hope you can accept that.

Have a good day. 

It is hard.. but I do try

My new way of life.

I'm haunted by memories that I can't be sure are they true. I'm haunted about things that are not true, and I'm haunted by things I know but I don't want to know.

I'm depressed again been a long while now, just didn't realize it earlier, which suck, because IT fooled me again to do things, and it's hitting hard, yet some fuck up system in me wont let me show it, so I try to write this, my open journal to tell it, tell how bad I feel. But I'm bored to be victim of my own mind, even that my depressed mind let things that are good, evade me. Even the things that are most important to me fill me sadness. I keep on fighting, and only thing I've found to help me, is to concentrate on good memories.

But I try.

So, because the my depression I start to think all the crap from things years and years ago, things that I'm not sure are they true or products of my dark mind.

So I try to find memories that make me happy, memories that I'm pretty sure are true.

Memories that I hope are true but non the less they do bring me joy and are important and after years of darkness, I can remember them again.

I was drunk, as it was quite usual back then. I was teenager in new city without any real friends, studying in school that I thought was good for me, well I thought that before I had studied there a while. So, I was drunk and walking around the city. Alone.( later I found handful of humanoids that I quite enjoyed to stay around.) Trying to find someone to fight with, but it was middle of week so, city was quite silent.
I send couple text messages to people I knew, can't remember what.
Then my phone ring.
Sound wasn't familiar to me, but it was interesting. Female started to teas me. Can't remember the words, but she sounded wonderful and she knew who I was. Before that, I didn't believe anyone had really noticed me beside couple guys with whom I had done some projects. She talked to me, wanted to know me, had amazing wit and brain and she rocked my world in that phone call. I was in the city when she called. I sit in .. pavilion, speak with her, tell more about myself than I had ever told to anyone. TO someone I had no idea who she was.

First time in my life I felt someone was truly interested about me. Because I had obviously already then quite poor self-confidence I reasons unknown to me started to talk about someone else, but she told me, she wanted to hear about me, not that someone. At some point I started to walk to back home, but still I was on the phone, talking to that someone all the time. Hours. I can't, sadly, remember all what we talked in that call, I would love to remember, because I can remember that I fall in love then, without even knowing who she was. All I knew that she was in the same school with me, we had some common  acquaintance whom she had got my number.
I walked .. I think something like 6km to home, and still we were on the phone, talking about everything. She had amazing mind, glorious humor and so talented user of sarcasm. She did give me hint's who she might be, but to be honest, I had no idea. I walked in school quite blind, because there was so many arselings and I didn't want to have anything to do with them, so obviously I did miss alot of those, who might not be arselings.

So.. I was at home, we finally ended the call... and I had still no idea who she was. I couldn't sleep that night. I was sober again.. and I was haunted who she was.

Next day was school day, as I said, I was drunk middle of week. I walked in classroom and somehow, I knew. One most beautiful smile I had ever seen from the face I had never noticed before... then there's a long dark period. I don't remember did we talk then or not. All I can remember was that she send me a message, I think... might have been call too.. Asked would I skip school with her. and I jumped on table, walked out of classroom. Teacher just stand there and looked confused.

We had great day, she, me and our common friend, we walked around the city, talked. At some point she started to tease me, stole my scarf and tiny things like that.

I will never forget.

I know, I've told this story differently before, mostly about what made me see her and how I reacted.. I don't know why.. somehow some toxic masculinity didn't let me tell her, that it was her mind that made me fall for her right then and there. Don't get me wrong, she was beautiful. She is beautiful woman with amazing mind.

I love you. 

Things I love

I love that I have people who I love,
I love that I have people who love me.
I love the pink shoelaces I have, watching them makes me always smile.
I love my offspring
I love my offspring's wonderful humor, wit and good heart. 
I love my wife, I have learn a lot from her.
I love my wife even more, she hasn't let me push her a way.
I love my wife, because I love.
I love my wife's wit, her humor and strong and pig heart.
I love the smile on their faces, their laugh and words.
I love that they are here, near to me.
I love to see them happy,
I love to see them excited.
I love the scent of my wife.
I love the noise that our offspring makes, even the farts.
I love books, even that I can't read well.
I love to listen audiobooks, because I can't read well anymore.
I love my sister, even that shes quite bonkers.
I love my sisters kids, they are smart and noisy and asking a lot of good questions.
I love my brother, hes weird and smart and taller than me, yet he don't get fat and that I don't like.
I love to draw, paint and sculpt, I love to tell the stories inside me.
I love all the childrens of my siblings, they make me happy, yet I get tired fast, but still I'm happy with them.
I love my mother, I have learn a lot from her.
I love my father, and I miss him.
I love my mother's new man, he is important and sweet.
I love the nature, It keeps me .. well us all, going.
I love movies, they help me.
I love my few friends, the talks and silences.
I love my family
I love dogs. Every dog. Dogs are wonderful and always make me smile.
I love A'tuin and Morla, our turtles, they make me smile everyday just because they are silly.
I love to write, another way to tell my stories, even that I'm not so good at it.
I love to be alone, but not for long.
I love cows, they know how to live.
I love the sheep, they are like tiny cows.
I love my twisted humor, my ability to find fun from everything if I want.
I love my brain, it's not completely wast of space, but need a bit tinkering.
I love my laptop, it has awesome battery and enough power for Netflix and Wesnoth.
I love my family, because I don't say it enough.
I love my open mind, I can't think how hard it would be to hate something just because you don't understand it.
I love doing crafts, no it's not the same as art... well.. maybe a bit.
I love to learn new things, learning is good.
I love my adhd, it gives me ideas and energy.
I love my Bipolar Disorder... well... without it I would still think I'm just evil.
I even love fibro, it has raise my pain threshold.
I love Finland, yet not so much the government. 
I love our home, baking oven the most. 
I love Discworld, I've learned more from there than school.
I love myself, but I need to learn to love little bit more. 
I love that I just get more clay for free from a person.
I love the Google map, even that it did lead to to wrong address today, but usually it works.  
I love to talk about my difficulties to people who might benefit from my struggles. 
I love to be experience speaker, yeh, it's the same as last one.
I love ... oh I forgot that one.
I love that I have bit twisted brain, it keeps things fresh. 
I love my dyslexia it keeps making me laugh.
I love that I can still love. 
I love Lord of the rings, it opened my eyes to fantasy when I was just a kid.
I love star trek, it gives me hope
I love Star Wars, it makes me wonder
I love Star Gate because RDA and all the weird worms in all the planets.
I love Farscape... who would not and Ben
I love Firefly... oh do I love that show
I love Doctor Who and every reincarnation of IT. 
I love how long this list is already, and I seem to find still more things I love.
I love that I feel sad, that I'm to tired to write more of those.
I love that I can make another "Things I love" list.

This is the first day of my new life.

So, I've been seeing this.. well not therapist but mind-nurse, if you get what I mean. And with combination of  about working medicine.. well.. I've found that I have damn a lot knots in me.
Some are god damn stupid, and by these I seem to be able to destroy all the good stuff around me.
I have not much self-respect or self-confidence, I know why, I won't be revealing that here, but believe me I know who have destroyed it when I was kid and since then I just never managed to build em. I was bullied in elementary school, until I learned that I'm hell of a lot stronger (physically) and meaner than my bullies and it was just easier to keep that image up. So instead of trying to build me self confidence or respect I build walls and imaginary me. Me who was strong, smart and invincible, yet inside there was this tiny boy who was afraid everything, afraid to be alone, didn't find people to connect. And I kept that fucked-up image up for a long long time.

I kept it going so long that I started to believe it.

I did push people away by just being such an arseling.

For a long time I thought there was nothing wrong with me nor in my childhood
I hide my pain from myself, I'm pretty sure I've painted my memories to be more happy.

Well.. Then I got diagnosed and started to think about what am I. But I never realized that it was my lack of self-respect/confidence what kept me from happiness. I had wife who I loved more than I can ever explain to her or anyone, I have offspring who I love equally as much as wife, but different way yet, I because of my poor self-respect/confidence I tried to get theirs down too. Well, thankfully I started to understand something before I ruined amazing offspring, but I am so sorry for the wife.

I now know that I have hated myself so much, that I have tried to push people who I care away, because I thought don't deserve them and I am just not man enough to walk away because.. well.. I love them so much more than I can say.

I'm getting better, well I was, now, I think because of the stress I get from government decision, I've again fallen down a bit, and I once again did, well said, something completely stupid, something that even I know was stupid, but still I had to say it out loud and at the same moment when the words had left my lips, I know I had made a huge mistake and because of nothing, because of my fucked ego, yet that stupid thing felt huge and bad apple in me, that I lost my ability to sleep... and at the same time... it's so stupid. so stupid. But I had to say it to get over it. And since I saw what I had done, how much I had hurt another, I panic. that How I roll. I panic and push forward, make everything even worse. I build my walls and attack when I should just.. well.. shut the fuck up.

So.. suddenly I realize I'm driving like a madman. Thinking "what if..." thank fully not "I will..." Then I woke. I started to see what I'm doing to myself.

I often think, that I deserve all my illnesses, I deserve to feel to be different, alone. I deserve the constant pain because I'm such a horrible person.
But it's not true, and I need to make me believe it.

I'm so broken that obviously still I think, somewhere beyond my conscious
mind can see, that I deserve to be alone.

I will need to learn to love myself, honestly and real me. Not the one that I build around me.

But I fight. I know now that I'm my own worst enemy and when I know what's the problem, I can do something about it... usually.

So... my first step is this.
I stop writing negative side of my life. Because there's lot's of good stuff in my life and I need to start acknowledge that.

I have people and things that I love, I have people who love me.
I love the pink shoelaces I have, watching them makes me always smile.

Life can be good. I will get there.
This is the first day of my new life.

Damn... I was just in cat caffee..

I have always been one of the animal people... I like about every animal and insect more than most of humans.

But I have always thought my self as... dog person... maybe because I like hunting and good dog there is quite nice addition to food getting business.

Now... I was tricked in this Purrfect Angel-british/catcafe in Rovaniemi.

And damn... very first thing that happened was one beauty that just demanded to get some scratches and love and jumped to my lap and.. damn... I started to have this worrisome feeling, like... getting sick or something... something inside was melting or something and yes it was a cat, not my wife.

Then there was this tiny rascal Riimu? that tried to eat my fingers and then he jump to my lap and staid there and ... another feline that stole our son's bacon bread.

I...

I start to think that I might actually like cats, some cats bit more than I thought.

We have those two Turtles, A'Tuin and Morla, but even that they do sometimes come to sit on lap but it's ... not the same to hug a turtle than it is some soft, warm maybe bit furry animal.

oh well.. my image has been ruined for life, but I'm not even sure do I care.

I fell in love with Riimu, the tiny rascal.

Oh yes.. also the Tea that I took and bacon sandwich were awesome, and also there was nicely vegan stuff (not that I need or care, but that is nice for some) also there was gluten free and lactose free stuff and those even taste fine, or so did wife say and she knows.

Also I liked the theme, old mix match furniture and art and .. basically I did like everything.. even Humans were nice and prices acceptable.

So.. I was so much surprised of all the positiveness that I got from there, that I just had to write a short blog about it.

I feel good right now, yes I have pain and I'm tired, but those darn tiny animals did make me feel better. And it continues still.

SO thank you  Purrfect Angel-british/catcafe

It's Christmas blog... correction.. It's Yule blog.

Christmas, that true, capitalism power celebration, time of the year for most suicides, most domestic violence and on top of that, lot's of people who really don't have money, still waste all the money for gifts.

Still, I love Christmas. I just strongly fight against the Coca Cola- Santa, and corporation demand for gifts for all. Christmas is pagan celebration, church start to ruin it, but because paganism is strong in people, they gave up and decided it's birthday of middle-eastern guy.

Don't know what it tells about we Finnish, but our word for Christmas is Joulu, that's quite close the original pagan name of this celebration, Yule.

Anyhow... To me, Christmas/Yule is time of relax, family and good food. Basically I'm rooting for basic Yule idea, before christians ruined it.. Basically Yule is about drinking, eating and fucking.

oh well..

I know I'm not alone in this. I know there's a lot of people who feel the same way. How Beautiful celebration has been turned to slave people, slave to corporations, waste money to nothing.

I wait Christmas/Yule, first time for long time.I, directly, haven't bought any presents. Indirectly there has been one gift bought. One gift we made by our self, and I have not bothered my head by any more gifts.

Yule is not about gifts, it never was, and I wont go in to any more about that, if you are interested there's something in wikipedia about that.. too

I just wanted to let you know, that even that I hate the capitalism and how it has ruined this beautiful winter fest.. I still love it. Not because of gifts.. or decoration.. Eating is big part of it, because usually we eat little bit... smaller :D ... back when I was alcoholic (well, I'm still, but I keep fighting to keep my self out of it) this was good reason to open bottle, (Like eastern, weekend, "hey I found my sock's ,were)... but now.. this particular Yule. I enjoy because...

There's house we live in, it's house that feels more home that any adult life "home" before. There's baking oven in this house, and I love to bake bread and slowly roast meat. There's firefplace, but funny enough we can't use both, fireplace and baking oven at the same time, because smoke issues. We have Sauna, own sauna, we decide when we warm it.
We have food (as I told you, I love food), We have moose meat, I'm thinking to make two different kind of meat.. One I .. smoke? and another in the baking oven. Then there's Salmon, I'm not sure yet do we smoke that too, or in the oven... or maybe cook on open fire.. Oh yeah, we have that tiny ... building with a another fireplace in it.. so.. there'll be food making in there. hmm.. where was I... we have Cheese, lot's of different cheeses.. hmmmmm.. I love good cheese. Then there's some, not much, candy, some turkey, and.. and... I can't remember more.. I got suddenly hungry.

Anyhow.. and... there's no more plans for Yule. Only family ( +maybe on friend who is more like family), some movies, maybe games, but most of all.. Just.. be among family and enjoy.

Anyhow... I'm a pagan deep inside me. apatheist pagan.

Relationship

Relationship

Oh I don't say I'm right. I just say how I currently feel and think.

For longest of time I've taken my partner for granted. Because of my illnesses our relationship has changed and currently even we don't know where we stand.

I love her and she love me, there's no doubt in that. But everything else is quite hard to explain at the moment.

I live in place where I have accepted that someday she might want or need to leave. I feel she has all the right to do so, but I  don't prepare for that. What I do, but my difficulties side, try to make her feel better with me.

I understand now that I can't make her happy, that's her “job” but I can try to be better. She's not only my wife, she's also my best friend and the one I trust. She's been with me through hell and I owe her more than I can ever repay.

So. I love her and we have decided that we define our relationship as we feel right for us.

I don't feel it's right that, she has to pour me tea because I can't, even that I hardly ever am in that bad shape.
I know she doesn't deserve the megalomaniac I am when my bipolar medication doesn't work. Or zombie when fibro cloud my thoughts.

After all, I think, I could be wrong, my adhd is the least of my difficulties to burden her.

I feel the marriage should be in balanced, work together, equal and loving in friendship and erotic way. Most of time I haven't been that, first because I thought it was then later because I was so bad shape that I couldn't. Now I'm place that I can and will be more for her.

It must be hard to live with someone like me. Person who is far from stable and trustworthy but not by choice. I can only imagine how it feels to be in relationship with such a burden. If I would do all this crap, because I wanted, I believe I would be alone. So.. I'm really not sure who in this family is most tired right now when my medication, therapy and all is on hold, except the medication.. I'm sure we both are horrified yet hopeful that my medication situation get fixed soon so I can be more me again.

I love my wife but I also know I'm a burden to her. Sometimes I think I should just leave, so she could have easier life.