I'm getting better

So beware.. There might be time that I start to write positive stuff, or forget to write because.. You know to busy to be happy.

Im just know sitting on my mom's terrace, in spring sun, jeanskilt on, enjoying the morning. My back hurts only tinybit and even thst is just the muscles that has done a lot work att the last 10years. I haven't need my cane for months. My theet are fixed, my wrist are under examination by specialist. My head medication does miracles.

I'm enjoying the life. Well of course there's moments everyday that debpression try to get me, anxiety make me doubt everything, but with help of the medication, i can deal with it.

I've get invitation first to job interview, didn't get the job but I was one of the five best candidates so.. Still win. I have also Entrance exam to university. Thinking to study Industrial design.
..
But honestly I'm more interested to get a job. So if my muscles in back, and my wrist gets fixed.. I might get in some shorter, more jobs, profesion. But the University could be interesting too.

Well. Today I'll be fixing thr fence for sheep. The cut some trees. Maybe at the evening do some clayart.

Adiós, hasta luego.

More things I love

My sneaky high function depression does keep on going. So I keep on tricking my brains and make a list of things I love.

I love stars, i love to lie down on snow and watch the night sky
I love summernights and campfire
I love the smell of air after thunderstorm
I love fall sleep holding my live in my arms.
I love the life without alcohol, yet still sometimes it's hard.
I love ceramics, the feel of clay between my finger.
I love ceramics, the unknown what you find when open the kiln door.
I love to make love with my love.
I love to do hard labour as much as my body can handle.
I love flowers, all flowers.
I love nettle in field, in tea in bread.
I love my few friends who don't have the need to stay in contact every day, but after years it's like we had met just yesterday.
I love when my wife laugh my stupid stuff.
I love to laugh to my wife's stupid stuff.
I love the offspring and his amazing mind.
I love my beard, and would love to have a huge one, but I'm too lazy take care of it.
I love people who buy my art, it make me feel good when someone else love something I've made. 

I love to be able to help others.
I love to speak about my difficulties to others, whom might get some help from my adventures. 

I love to hunt, but I don't shoot often. 

I love to hold her hand when we are shopping. 

I love to take a walk with her. 

I Love to hug the offspring

I love to hug my god-daughter and her brother. 

I love to hug rest of the kid's in my family. 

I love woolen stockings winter and summer... and spring and autumn. 

I love to get better. 

I love the amazing people I've found from internet.
I love my sister from internet. 

I love my imagination, but bit sad that I don't know how to use it in basic life.

I love to swim in natural waters. 

I love to eat smoked fish. 

I love to go fishing at summer.

I love that I can find so many things I love. 

I love to have amazing people in my life. 

I love that I might have to write third list of things I love. 

I love to study Spanish.

It is hard.. but I do try

My new way of life.

I'm haunted by memories that I can't be sure are they true. I'm haunted about things that are not true, and I'm haunted by things I know but I don't want to know.

I'm depressed again been a long while now, just didn't realize it earlier, which suck, because IT fooled me again to do things, and it's hitting hard, yet some fuck up system in me wont let me show it, so I try to write this, my open journal to tell it, tell how bad I feel. But I'm bored to be victim of my own mind, even that my depressed mind let things that are good, evade me. Even the things that are most important to me fill me sadness. I keep on fighting, and only thing I've found to help me, is to concentrate on good memories.

But I try.

So, because the my depression I start to think all the crap from things years and years ago, things that I'm not sure are they true or products of my dark mind.

So I try to find memories that make me happy, memories that I'm pretty sure are true.

Memories that I hope are true but non the less they do bring me joy and are important and after years of darkness, I can remember them again.

I was drunk, as it was quite usual back then. I was teenager in new city without any real friends, studying in school that I thought was good for me, well I thought that before I had studied there a while. So, I was drunk and walking around the city. Alone.( later I found handful of humanoids that I quite enjoyed to stay around.) Trying to find someone to fight with, but it was middle of week so, city was quite silent.
I send couple text messages to people I knew, can't remember what.
Then my phone ring.
Sound wasn't familiar to me, but it was interesting. Female started to teas me. Can't remember the words, but she sounded wonderful and she knew who I was. Before that, I didn't believe anyone had really noticed me beside couple guys with whom I had done some projects. She talked to me, wanted to know me, had amazing wit and brain and she rocked my world in that phone call. I was in the city when she called. I sit in .. pavilion, speak with her, tell more about myself than I had ever told to anyone. TO someone I had no idea who she was.

First time in my life I felt someone was truly interested about me. Because I had obviously already then quite poor self-confidence I reasons unknown to me started to talk about someone else, but she told me, she wanted to hear about me, not that someone. At some point I started to walk to back home, but still I was on the phone, talking to that someone all the time. Hours. I can't, sadly, remember all what we talked in that call, I would love to remember, because I can remember that I fall in love then, without even knowing who she was. All I knew that she was in the same school with me, we had some common  acquaintance whom she had got my number.
I walked .. I think something like 6km to home, and still we were on the phone, talking about everything. She had amazing mind, glorious humor and so talented user of sarcasm. She did give me hint's who she might be, but to be honest, I had no idea. I walked in school quite blind, because there was so many arselings and I didn't want to have anything to do with them, so obviously I did miss alot of those, who might not be arselings.

So.. I was at home, we finally ended the call... and I had still no idea who she was. I couldn't sleep that night. I was sober again.. and I was haunted who she was.

Next day was school day, as I said, I was drunk middle of week. I walked in classroom and somehow, I knew. One most beautiful smile I had ever seen from the face I had never noticed before... then there's a long dark period. I don't remember did we talk then or not. All I can remember was that she send me a message, I think... might have been call too.. Asked would I skip school with her. and I jumped on table, walked out of classroom. Teacher just stand there and looked confused.

We had great day, she, me and our common friend, we walked around the city, talked. At some point she started to tease me, stole my scarf and tiny things like that.

I will never forget.

I know, I've told this story differently before, mostly about what made me see her and how I reacted.. I don't know why.. somehow some toxic masculinity didn't let me tell her, that it was her mind that made me fall for her right then and there. Don't get me wrong, she was beautiful. She is beautiful woman with amazing mind.

I love you. 

My feelings are quite sad.

It's still the stress (when I write this) that cause me to curl deep inside me and just want to cry (which I can't do because I'm so fucked up).
I have lot's of feelings, they are just stuck somewhere deep in side me and even that I know they are there, I can't use 'em at all.
It's horrible, I don't know have any of you ever been in this situation.
I can't really show my love to my wife, I want, I can say the words and I mean them, but I can't show it.
I believe I'm kind of depressed at the moment, but not quite because I have working medication, so, I don't look depressed I can work.. I've heard word High function depression and I believe I'm in something similar.

I don't like this.

I want to feel better, I want to open the knots in me, I want to have life again. Life without constant fear of everything.
Life where I can feel wanted.
Life where I dream.

I had that for a short time, so I know the medication is correct. But the huge stress about where and when do I get the money to live have push me back down in the dark hole where I try to cry help but no one hear me. I try to use words, but because I act different, my words are ignored. I don't want to be a burden so I just keep most of it inside. More so, because I know lot's of my loved ones are not so well either.

SO.. couple days and I have meeting with my new mentalhealth nurse/ therapist, I hope so much it'll help, I need to get better. But. I don't trust people, she's a new person to me, so it'll take hell knows how long for me top open, if never. I know I have so much things in my life that I should, no, need to talk about but I can't start it and I need help in that.

I need to know what is the reason that I feel this shit. I need to know.

As long as I can't feel safe, I can't let go even a bit. I keep my self in control so much that it's not good at all. But I can't change that because I'm afraid I loose it completely. I need to get some stability before I can start letting me free a bit.

I have no idea does this make any sense to anyone. I just try to thoughtpuke to easy my feeling even a bit.

I feel shit.

I fucked up again.

I know it's the stress that make's me have this lapse, but still it hurt me. It hurt me to see the look in my family's eyes, it hurt to hear the words and all the time I can only say and think. " I know!"

I say stupid, hurting words. I don't mean to, I don't even realize those might be wrong words, not before I've said them and then there's that look. Something in me don't let me even apologize right a way, no I need some time to beat my self up first, then I can apologize and even explain.

I'm such a mess right now, even that my medication does take the worst edge off from both ends, but it doesn't help with adhd, and I'm not sure do I want to start different medication for that, last one didn't help much. Maybe later, when I've gotten this fucked up bipolar disorder back in my control... well hopefully even bit more.

But this is hell at the moment. I don't know really who am I. I am uncertain about everything, even how to make a fucking food. I can't make up my mind in little things or big things. I've lost my self somewhere in this hell that started over year ago when something triggered something in me, and everything went to shit. I can be calm on the outside.. well kind of.. but inside me there's a war going... or maybe it's more like earthquake and global warming mixed with alien tsunami.

I try to hide my uncertainty all my mess inside, I feel ashamed of it, so I act like I'm the superman or something. I try to hide the feeling of being nothing so hard. I'm quite sure that this actually just make things worse, both to people around me and me. But I don't know how to stop... yet. I will find it. I will.


I need to cry, but cry don't come. I need to sleep, but sleep don't come.

Yet.

I know I'm getting better, the medicine is working enough for me to be hopeful again, but I need help to get my self back in shape, and currently the professionals haven't been able to help me much, because, I'm in line to get more examinations to know what is wrong with me and maybe then they can help me get better.

But what I feel is.. that I'm lost. Lost in me.

I try to unload myself on.. well.. here. I write novel/s. I paint, drawn and hopefully get to make ceramics again too. I study Spanish, just because. I dream to at least try to get in university. But.. most of all I dream to find my self again, to be able to be great father and great husband.

I love you wife.
I love you offspring.

Thank you and Sorry.

Never give up, Never Surrender. 

My life as I tell it.

One night, just about that time, when I really thought I could sleep, wanted to sleep, that time, when quite usually my brains go "FUCK YOU DILI DILI DING DONG AND JIIHAA MOTHER FUCKER TAXI TAXI TAXI IN CALCUTTA" It hit me. A thought that had come and go often trough my head. That maybe it is finally time to try to write another time a book. So I started that. Right there and then. On my phone.... And it suck.. writing on the phone, so I change to my laptop.

I shall explain, well.. I shall try to explain. No warranties that it'll help.

Thing is this. I want to write a story of my life... well... kind a... I don't want that my relatives or family can be identified, because they might be shamed of how I see them or how things have gone.  So I will do this another way.

My story shall be true, but completely fiction. Maybe even so much of a fiction that we go to levels of fantasy or scifi, because, as you might know.. I do enjoy those genres the most.

But yes, I will write in the ME point of view and ME the "hero" of the story shall be me!  What happens might be close enough... but.. aaahm well.. with my imagination.. I think it's better say.. this project did start as my fictional biography.

Here's a short TRUE facts of the writer, that is me.

I am Father, Husband, Craftsman/Artist and quite bonkers.
I have adhd, Bipolar disorder, fibromyalgia, and... well, let's say just.. that those are not all.
I love nature, forest, flowers.
I don't like humans as species or even nations or.. small groups.. some individuals are OK.
that's enough.. Oh.. wait.. I like to prepare for end of the world as we know it.... and laugh at those, who say they do the same in the reality-tv.

Now.. I thought I will write the story here. on my blog.. but then again. I think maybe I should start writing it , so .. the ... episodes wont dig in all the other stuff I write here..

well I must think about this some more.

Well.. I've been thinking this about week or so..

and..  because I do have another novel idea also in my head.. I think.. I shall start writing this completely fictional self biography and then.. publish it in new blog.

I don't know where this goes, because I really don't remember much of my past and as I said there is this funky habit of mine to get creative all the time and dive in to pure fiction.
 and since I began writing it on my computer, since first page... it turned to complete fiction.. fantasy that has hint's of my life in it..
oh well.. it got story and I must now write it.
Funny thing happened since I began writing.. after third page, I realized that I was writing in English. It's not my first language so .. this will be interesting. 
Maybe someday I let others read it.

"yeah, but I'm used to work in pain"

"yeah, but I'm used to work in pain" - I said that today (or something similar, can't remember exactly anymore.) when I was talking with wife about which of us should drive to town to get the offspring. She wasn't well, and I had all-body-pain on (because I had to stacking firewood... a lot.. because I was at home alone when firewood came and naturally there was snowing.)

But seriously, is this my life? I'm use to the living in pain? I'm willing to do things even that I'm in pain? I'm so much in pain, that I don't even care anymore.
Damn.. Those rare occasions when I don't have pain.. Well, I don't even realize it.. I'm just wondering why I'm so happy.

I've been suffering one or another kind of pain about.. 11years I think.. Back about then I broke my back.. there's some invertebrate disc that's not working and therefore my right leg is in pain and doesn't work as it use to. Some nerve is in constant pressure. Then there's this nice and friendly fellow, fibromyalgia. Latest pain source has been my hand(s), now.. years ago one doctor took some x-rays and told me that my wrist are full of tiny fractures. And they would not do anything about it.

SO... now things have taken new turn.. My right hand, little finger and ring finger(?) started to be in pain, didn't work well and were numb.. all that at the same time.. So I was first thinking it was something to do with the wrists .. but to my surprise doctor actually took some time to look and done some test.. then she told me, that she thinks there's (again) one nerve in pressure.. and if that's the case, it can be operated (unlike my back, there Doctors wont touch as long as I can walk and control my ... plumbing.) So.. Doctor nicely did send me to this.. ENMG test.. some horrible crap with electricity. It was painful and all the way felt nasty.. but hey, if it helps to find the cause.. go for it. So I took it like Me.

Then.. next day they called me.. that they need to do more tests. this time with needles.

Anyhow.. the thing in here is that.. I live in constant pain. Some days less, some days more.. but it's almost always there.. yet.. People around me (well of course the closest ones do get it ) don't see it, because.. I'm quite healthy looking guy. Take care of my self, have more strength than many.. because I must, so that I can continue work.

But oh those faces when I walk with my cane on the streets.. People do have serious problems with me. Or when I have ... hard day... and wife is the one who carry the groceries and I walk with nothing or maybe with the cane.. or.. it might be me.. who thinks people watch me.. because I feel bad.. I have strength, I could do some much.. but the pain... I can take over it for a short times, I can, like I did yesterday, Stackinf the firewood under the roof, if needed, but I will pay to price. Today... has been hell. My back is in pain and my hand is in pain.

But...

When I saw that wife was not well either... I realized that.. Yep. I'm so use to this pain, that I can drive car and get offspring home. (Well, wife deciced to come along, and it was good, because my hand decided to go all numb and I could not drive well anymore... so it was easier to ask can she drive back home)

remember about my disability pension

So, I've send the paper for two places..

First one did answer today.

They say I'm all fine to go to work.

I can't sleep, I can't concentrate, I can't move much because I'm on pain all the time. Doctors are still just trying to find out what's wrong with me and there's a lot more job to do to get me working condition. But no, the people who have never seen me say otherwise.

But Lucky me. They say I'm all fine so Now I will be sending a job application to there everyday.

Because they say I'm fine for working.

memory

Most of my adulthood, I've struggled with this quite annoying thing called memory. I have hard time to remember quite simple things, things I've said, things other have told me, things I've seen, done, promised to do etc. I've been thinking that I have bad memory and try to work on it, to get it better.

Lately, I've started to question it, is it really my memory that doesn't work.

Let me explain. As I wrote just second ago, I've done memory exercise and tests a lot, and surprisingly I'm really good at those so... what?

Then... people who know me do call me to ask things about movies, actors, writers, directors and even little bit about older games. Because I know those things and I remember who was in supporting role in some movie in year 1993 and what else he or she has done. Hell, I can remember whole episode of the Farscape that I watched last time four years ago, and remember the name of the actor who was in it just randomly.

So, there was reason why my offspring and spouse did told me to write about media/entertainment (you can read those from here), because I have always something to say about something media/entertainment related.

So, I started to think, that could it be, that it's my adhd and other headalogy difficulties that causes this, not so much memory problems but the moment when I sould but something in my memory.

You see, I think, that if there's a "HEY Butterfly!" moment around the time when I should be butting something in my memory for later use, the thing is lost but I remember the Butterfly. But whit movie etc. area of life, my personal interest is so high that even the butterfly can fly around and get only small smirk from me.

Does this theory sound plausible?

Well, we shall see, when the doctors, psychologist and psychological nurses and others around me swarming headalogycal people get a hold of me what to do with me, there has been talk about try to "teach" me to but things better in my mind.

That and other areas of my headalogy game are so much of mystery to my psychological team, that we are still in the game of finding some drugs to build some base where to start building bit more stable me, with therapy and weird stuff like that, and it's fine by me, because I'm not so sure anymore, do I want to be in disability pension.

My daily life with my brains

It's never quiet.

I can't say is it adhd, Bipolar, fibromyalgia or just some personality thingie.

I'm not sure can I explain this at all.
But I try.

There's never quiet in my head, my thoughts are rabid and in constant movement. Sometimes there's some cotton candy around em, making me even harder to follow my already irrational thought patterns.

When I'm awake I can keep it under control by pure force of will and keeping myself busy, so I always seem to be on the move. Doing something with my fingers, tapping with leg. Drawing, painting, making my family mad by joking, dancing… whatever my broken body let me do. All physical activity and movement helps.

Also stories help, reading books, watching movies and tv-shows all good stories take a hold of my mind and ease the constant anxiety, the bigger, more complicated and truly imaginative story gets the better. Realistic detective, modern warfare, capitalism glory stories are mostly useless because my brains can easily see where the story goes, but in fantasy, scifi and horror, there's doors that story can take and my brains are happy.

Good conversation, oh that helps, but there's difficulties because my mind has custom to lost interest, see a bird and forget everything, listen familiar music and start to sing a long. I might remember something in middle of my or your sentence and start to speak about that and forget all before. My “stories” will be bumpy, jumpy, hard to follow and rambling much. I forget common words like, cheese, but can tell what happened in that one episode of Farscape in season four.

My brains won't silent even for night. That's usually the hardest time.
Lie on the bed, try not to bother wife, be silent, not to move,  THATS when they attack. Dark and stupid stuff, scary stuff, light paranoia.

Or

I just go trough novel ideas, master plans for some game, get four to five movie ideas and forget em all before get up to find paper.
For that, I thankfully have found audiobooks. Audiobooks help me sleep. Again stories keep my brains so occupied that I can sleep.

That is my daily life.

Finally

Finally

I know the world seems to think that Finnish medical care is good, and it is if you are rich and at least got a job. But for someone like me, it's difficult to get help.

I've been now 9 months on sick leave because of my combination of Bipolar disorder and fibromyalgia or.. because of the difficulties to find medicine for them that work and not make everything else worse. Now when you add my adhd and withered intervertebral disc that cause its own pain… well it's difficult.

But to my surprise my normal doctor decided to seek consultation from pain specialist and then she asked me can she talk with my psychiatrist… and… they found some new medication to try, something that might help with both, the pain and balance my head.

I have just began it so can't say much yet, but it gives me hope.

psychiatrist… she wrote me a year… of rehabilitation if that goes through with the government, that I dare not be hopeful because of me earlier experiences with bureaucracy of that institution… could get me back to school, new work or… disability pension. We shall see… currently I'm happy if the rehab goes trough.

psychiatrist… she's confused with me.. she has given me new diagnoses something about personality  disorder but that and older .. she wants to dig deeper in my head. Now she's bringing new help in ...some psychologist to see can they with my nurse get something out of me.

But it sounds that I'm quite a case

What is happening here?

I tell you what is going on.
I'm still phucked up. But there might be some sun in the future.'

I've been more or less out of medication almost a year now, not because I want to, but because doctors have not found anything that works.

Sadly here in Finland, certain herbs and other natural products are highly NO NO so I'm stuck with medicines made by man.

It's hard to stay .... zen when my broken back causes almost constant pain (sometimes more, sometimes less, but those few days when there's no pain are amazing) and even when back is little easier, I can be sure my dear friend fibromyalgia does make things worse.  And if that doesn't work, then I can cry and/or laugh because un medicated, well I do eat handfull of some medicine everyday, it just doesn't work... because I'm batshit grazy? NOOO.. only difficult case of Bipolar disorder.

But things are looking better, my regular doctor is having a talk between my head doctor and pain doctor, so maybe they find out something?

Anyhow... I'm open to future. My personal view is that I'm out of workforces ... but because I know for sure that KELA the Finnish official lets-fuck-sick-and-poor-in-the-ass-bureaucrasy can decide there's nothing wrong with me... seriously... they most often do that.. even if you can't walk and eat.

But if that's the verdict I'm ready to think about studying ones more.

Anyhow.. I'm in reeeeally messed up place with my head and need to let out some steam.

peace out.

oh.. allso... if you are interested... Because I started to feel like writing lately.. I started another blog.
it's about entertainment... books...movies.. tv..

https://faultymansentertainment.blogspot.com

Why I write the blog?

For me and for you.

This force me to think more, find the words I've lost, inspect modern me, am I more the real me, does my illnesses fuck me up and how and how to fix or reroute things so the illnesses don't ruin the good around me.

This is therapy to me, clear my head, especially when I'm in bad place.

I try not to pour my thoughts to my loved ones so I write em down, they read em if they want. But I think so much and observe myself all the time that I need to speak it out somehow.

And because when I thought to start writing a blog, People were like.” YES. and please write it in english” I can’t be sure, but I think it might be that… I have couple nasty “illnesses” that are quite common, but still too much of a tabu and people want to break out of it and it’s always good that someone else does it first, no matter how poorly it’s done as long as it’s understandable?

I’ve been told, that my writings help people close to me, understand better why I behave so odd ways, but also people who don't know me tell it help them to understand their own loved ones, friends, bosses or neighbours. I have done some talking to little groups about this, mostly to parents of adhd children's, and there I get a lot that I really help, it’s easier to share the light in live situation when You can see the other’s and how they react to your message. Here, I don’t have that powerful tool, I hope to get messages or some words from you few readers, that am I really writing just for myself, is my english too hard to comprehend. I was thinking to write in both English and Finnish, but to be honest, I can’t keep me in one subject so long that I could do a translation either way and I’m bit shy to ask anyone to do the translation for me, because I use really weird and funny ways to express myself and then I would have to explain myself all the time so that someone could do proper translation. So I keep writing in english and hope for the best.

I live in difficult time, we are trying to find me working medication for two of three “illnesses” of mine. My old medication for bipolar disorder fall down because of fibromyalgia medication OR doctor suspect that it had never worked good but that medication made my brains bit sticky so I just didn’t even realise it. I have now 4th new medication under testdrive and… well it’s not working good either and my doctor is changing and you see the need to open up somewhere.

I have, thankfully, awesome family, quite understanding workplace (where I have been on sick leave 4 months soon) and talented professional to talk to about these. But for sure, I would slowly like to get this first problem, Bipolar disorder under control now so we could continue to find something for Fibro also, because that my readers, that is tiresome illness.

But in the meantime I keep doing art, If you are interested of my art, here’s link to my “homepage” and writing these blogs.

Feel free to share or whatever my texts, I don’t mind if I could make a living by helping others ways that I can do. Currently all I seems to be able to do is writing blogs, and making art. I’m not in shape to do those live “talk” sessions no matter how much I would love to be. I have to think bit selfishly now and get me on shape again, shape where I can give hope to people who come to listen me, not the opposite.

So yeah.

Jani

Medication

Medical stuff... I wasn't about to write about this. I'm no doctor. But people keep asking. 

I don't say names of the drugs because every human is different and something that didn't work for me might be perfect for others.

I don't say don't take medicine or take it, it's up to you and your doctor and family.

I say. Go out, do some exercise, eat healthy.. It won't hurt.. Probably.

I've been under surveillance of doctors a decade now… Or so I thought. After all this was not true. I had one medication. It didn't work to much and was bad for my brain but I didn't notice anything because I was under influence of the drug. Before that there was one drug that destroyed my artistic side and that was to much.

Some doctor updated my recipe time to time, no phone calls, no blood work… No Nothing . Then I went to get help to my pain and.. That started the landslide.

First they told me I have fibromyalgia, wrote me some weird tablets to it and those ruined the rest of my Bipolar medication.

After month I drop the fibro tablets but it was too late. Still it took half a year for me to see something was wrong, and it was mostly help from others that I really saw it.

So I seek help. First dr told she has no knowledge enough of my hard situation and wrote me sick leave and send to higher powers.

The higher powers started the desperate search for working medication for first Bipolar and someday when that's covered then fibro. Thankfully my adhd medication hasn't stop working.

First drug. Help my head yeah so +
But caused= dizziness, internal shaking, headache, constant bad feeling in stomach, eye problems, couldn't concentrate. Tiredness, So lot's of - - -

2 drug. Nothing good. Everything worse.

3 drug. Still under this one currently.
Helps head +
But. dizziness, eye problems, couldn't concentrate. Tiredness, hard to sleep, anxiety(hard one), heart drums like Ulrich playing high, hell of lot energy, anxiety even more, and still can't concentrate to do something, hard to think or drive a car. extra Drooling, face bit numb (good compo).

Now I must count again is it worth it.

But I know there's medication where has more + than -... Just need to find it. Hopefully soon.

I don't even hope or believe to live without medication. I need it for me to be comfortably in me and to be less of assholes to my loved ones. I need em to be even tiny bit part of society, visit relatives go to mall.. So… I hate to take chemicals but I need em.. Like really need.

Fibromyalgia

If you are not familiar with this damned thing, here's link to one of the many more official places to gain more knowledge.

To me this is a new fellow-traveller and I wasn't planning to do any writing about him yet, but then lately one evening he jump out of the closet suddenly and was like “did you miss me? “

I was actually driving a car then, felt fine and second later felt like burning rod was pushed through my right shoulder.

As said this is new to me, I haven't even have named the symptoms yet much, except the cottoncandyhead. And that's not originally my idea but something wife used to call when her head felt funny, it just seems fitting to this fibro slow… ThThinkin… Brains… It was either cottoncandy or oatmeal head… hmm yes, I do like to eat.

To me the worst is how it effects on my head. Pain is nasty and so is being tired but.. Pain is old friend to me, since I broke my knee and later my inter-vertebral disc, so only new here was the, how suddenly and random fibropain is.

But even that I've lived with ADHD whole life and struggled with bipolar disorder most of my adulthood.. This is new. See adhd makes my brain reeeally fast, world happens bit like slow motion sometimes. Bipolar makes me think I'm God and second later I'm worthless to be living (bit exaggerated), makes me act like there's different persons inside me even that it's just me changing mind and behavior really fast and many times a day.

But Fibromyalgia seems to slow me down, make me forget things, get me lost in my thoughts, like I really would be paddling trough oatmeal. I have difficulties to make decisions, I'm unsure about everything and I forget a lot, even if I've written it down.

Someday s are so bad that suddenly I just have to walk to another room, away my loving family because I feel so worthless. My brain does not comply my body is in pain and others have to step in to cover me. How can I not cry in these situations. When I see how big of a burden I have become.

I'm tired all the time, I can't sleep without some pills yet even that dream doesn't really refresh me, but I must try to keep up smile and be productive at work and understand what school means.

And most of time I just want to cry, because this is not me. 

I don't have any medication for this, yet. Story behind that goes like this.

I have adhd and bipolar disorder too, as said earlier. When I was diagnosed with fibro, I was given some drugs too, but beside that it did ease a bit of my sudden pains is also secretly mess up my head, and my bipolar medication. I dropped the fibro pills after month or two, because I could see it just made my situation worse, but what I didn't see, is that my bipolar medication didn't survive. I kept eating it, but it didn't work. Now, I believe it haven't ever worked too well, but enough for me to survive, but now, I started to slip back to my egomaniac arsehat personality that I really really hated, and when you added the random Fibro-Zombie there... weeelll.. it wasn't pretty. Basically I was zombie who thought he can do everything and is the king of the hill. 

So now, new doctor. trying to fix me. fist Bipolar, and when that's under control, we dive in to Fibromyalgia again.

Relationship

Relationship

Oh I don't say I'm right. I just say how I currently feel and think.

For longest of time I've taken my partner for granted. Because of my illnesses our relationship has changed and currently even we don't know where we stand.

I love her and she love me, there's no doubt in that. But everything else is quite hard to explain at the moment.

I live in place where I have accepted that someday she might want or need to leave. I feel she has all the right to do so, but I  don't prepare for that. What I do, but my difficulties side, try to make her feel better with me.

I understand now that I can't make her happy, that's her “job” but I can try to be better. She's not only my wife, she's also my best friend and the one I trust. She's been with me through hell and I owe her more than I can ever repay.

So. I love her and we have decided that we define our relationship as we feel right for us.

I don't feel it's right that, she has to pour me tea because I can't, even that I hardly ever am in that bad shape.
I know she doesn't deserve the megalomaniac I am when my bipolar medication doesn't work. Or zombie when fibro cloud my thoughts.

After all, I think, I could be wrong, my adhd is the least of my difficulties to burden her.

I feel the marriage should be in balanced, work together, equal and loving in friendship and erotic way. Most of time I haven't been that, first because I thought it was then later because I was so bad shape that I couldn't. Now I'm place that I can and will be more for her.

It must be hard to live with someone like me. Person who is far from stable and trustworthy but not by choice. I can only imagine how it feels to be in relationship with such a burden. If I would do all this crap, because I wanted, I believe I would be alone. So.. I'm really not sure who in this family is most tired right now when my medication, therapy and all is on hold, except the medication.. I'm sure we both are horrified yet hopeful that my medication situation get fixed soon so I can be more me again.

I love my wife but I also know I'm a burden to her. Sometimes I think I should just leave, so she could have easier life.

Right about now

I'm having 3th drug on to run, (if we count all medication I've tried for Bipolar it would be 5 plus drinking).
Again this started on nicely, had some balancing feeling but... Yes there's the darn but again... Now I've been in high anxiety for a week. Too much energy to sleep so I'm up from 5 am to next night and sleep if I'm lucky.
I have urge to do something but I can't concentrate on anything, even writing this is hard. I have depressing feeling if I'm not doing something but I cant do much so there's a twist. Only good thing here is that I'm mostly alone coupledays so I won't bother others so much but do this... Will I get over this before I go back to home?

Also I really would like to get this medication for Bipolar working so we could start doing something for the fibro, it's another damn annoyance in my life. Pain is not fun. sticky brains is no fun. And if I would not have this darn fibro I could be outside doing some labour that do not demand me to consentrade so much... But no oo.. I'm in pain and full of energy. So damn,

I did build a tiny table for flowers but because of the lack of equipment and my inability to consentrade... On anything.. Didn't work so well.

I've made some clay thingies to vent the feeling but I would love tobe able to make the detailed texture and currently I can only make lumps. Lumps and holes and teeth marks with a growling.

I just want to be free... Free of pain, free of anxiety, debression, mania... All that crap. Why must this be so hard.

Sorry. I needed this.

Cry

I've been actually up rise in home where crying was accepted even for boys. So I cannot say why crying is so hard for me, has been most of my adulthood.

Lately anyhow I've found myself in peculiar situation that I have urgent feeling to burst into cry. I've had it, nagging inside of me a long time now. It's almost everyday feeling. Couple of times I've drop couple tears but this far that's it. I feel it's coming but something is holding it.

It's really weird, as both because I have no idea why I need to cry,( except that my bipolar medication has failed and I have often pain because fibro, and I'm really tired all the time aaand I worry for others.) and because I don't seem to be able to do it.

I think there's huge mess inside of me, the medication don't work so I've started to do to more and more work to stay sane. I sleep poorly, worry I hurt my loved ones, stress more because tried to keep working too. I've driven myself to the edge again and right now I just wait and hope I get help in time.

I'm weekly having acupuncture to open some knots in me. I'm trying new medication to get my emotions back in balance.. So far not there, but feeling bit better. Just.. If I could either cry or find out why I feel like needing to cry.

I've never been much of a crying game, but know to done so more than ones, specially when needed, so even more now I'm annoyed.

....

What about that another one?

What about the other?

This is something I’ve been thinking a lot, and it’s hard subject because I’m one the the “special” people.
I have little bit of this and little bit of that.
Thing that bothers me so much is … well, to me it seems that professionals, families, friends and people who just walk by forget the parent, spouse, sibling or child. Forget is quite strong word for here, but i feel it fits in the purpose so I will use it.

I’ve read lot’s of different guides for, adhd families, bipolar… fibromyalgia .. Even those that has been written to the parents or spouses of special person and every time I saw the same thing, thing that puzzle me so much. I have talked a lot with doctors, special doctors, nurses, social workers… damn.. even with a priest. I’ve read through internets wonderfully unreliable world and always it comes to same thing.

Every time it’s the same “You must understand your children.. you have to see that your children doesn’t do it on purpose, mean it… Your spouse, father mother, uncle… he doesnt mean it, understand, “

Sure… it’s true… but that’s like.. only the half of the story. All is true but to me it feels a lot like saying.. “You can’t be angry, sad, frustrated.” the guides forget to but in words the other side of the story.
Someone need to say the important another side. Why hardly ever I see words “It’s ok! You will be hurt, you will be angry and sad, you can be angry and sad, you can laugh as much you want.. “
That your loved one “doesn’t meen to do …” does not mean it can’t hurt you, your feelings. Parents , siblings, spouses need to hear it, they need to know it’s not forbidden to be angry and still love your special person. There need to be someone who say these things. Who say “ it’s ok to be angry!” or sad or happy even if it’s not … right moment.
It should be said somewhere , that it’s ok. it’s hard to hate your child, just for a moment when nothing is fine with your special child. It’s hard to think divorce… if all you hear is “ you must understand it, you must love no matter what… they don’t meant it…” Who are these judgemental guide writers who think that Families of Special people can’t have the feelings of them self.

I’ve seen this in so many levels.. I’m special person, I’m father of special child. I have different kind of special people around me in family and friends..
I’ve hide behind “you must understand me, it’s because of my sickness”

It’s true that when living with Special person, you might need to count to ten or hundred.. You must swallow your tears, have moments of anger that scare you and yet still you have to understand. But it’s also true, that you are human, and you have feelings, and you have right for those feelings. You have right to be sad, angry, happy. It’s important for you to have someone who listens and doesnt judge. We all have em, feelings… other’s show them others doesn’t.

I can see how hard it is to my wife. I'm not the man she fell in love. I'm, at my worst, some super energetic, megalomaniac zombie how keep say “ouch” and try to hide the cry. Even when I'm not that bad, something ruines the day.
She can't trust me to handle bills because I might forget it or pay em twice. She can't trust me to remember stuff. She can't trust I read correctly the shopping list. Or that I buy son a buss card. There's weeks that I can't even vacuum or cut carrots.
Goddamned of course she's angry, sad, annoyed and who knows what else. I understand that and I can handle it, she has the right to show how she feels just like every other human.
So basically… here is the thing. I, as quite special case, can't show my appreciation enough, can

So… I don't know.. I just wanted to write this.

Where am I

It's really hard to be, again, in situation where I can't trust my mind at all.

Since I fought and learned the shit that adhd and bipolar did to me, got good medication, found the true me… Life has been better… Not so interesting or colorful but not boring either. But I've been in control… Of me… and haven't had feeling of.. To need to control everything.

Now… When fibro moved in to house, things started to go bad. When I look back, I wish I would just taken the pain, but nooooo I was “ok let's try if that helps”. The medication did help for the pain but also crashed my bipolar balance and I was horrible.

So.. I dropped the fibro medicine.. Thought I was getting better.. But I wasn't.. Slowly I was loosing my mind losing my control, forgetting stuff alot and often, started to stutter more… lost words, strength.. Sleep.

It took half a year for me to start to see what was happening. I asked help. First doctor told me, she can't handle the situation so she moved me to specialist.. I waited time for that over month and slipped worse.. Now.. New doctor was like. “holy fuck.” wrote long sick leave and start to fix medication for bipolar because that is the most acute situation. Ones again professional is wondering how in earth can I keep my self even this well in shape.

How it feels? How you think. Do I enjoy to let my loved ones down because I forget something important that I promised just 5min ago?
Do I like to notice I did exactly the thing I was not supposed to do because things got mixed in my head?

Do I enjoy that I hurt someone's feelings by doing same shit again that I haven't done in half decade?

Is it funny to mix up words together, forget how to do simple things, ask others to read my blog posts for me because I can't make any sense on em by myself?

Do I like to feel anxious all the time because someone said something, i read news, saw kitten, didn't like my mirrorimage, noticed the fat, don't feel loved, love tomuch, rain, sunshine…

And

That's only maybe half of the difficulties in my head at the moment.

I just want to… Get there where I was before. Before this. Be in control of my mind, have good life, job or no job.. If job push me off the edge. Then maybe I can give up.. But until I get my head back.. I can't say. I can't decide. I can't deal with it.

First medication try started well, my brains started to work again but.. Now after month and bigger dose only brains work. It cause tremors in me, headache, difficulties to see, dizziness and felt nauseous all the time. But it help still me to think. So doctor told me to take just minimum dose to keep head working and we started new medication again.

We shall see where this goes.
Sick leave continue.