Do you know how it feels when you can't stop? There's energy running through your head, giving ideas after ideas, story after story. How you can't stop drawing, painting, crafting, dancing doing whatever you enjoy (or not) the most. You get high just by doing that one thing, no matter does it take 2h or 32h it must happen at once.
Do you know how it feels when you can't trust your own thoughts and feelings. How you feel like king but behave like zombie, how you can be sad and happy and everything between 42 times a day. How things can be perfect and 5min later you think how easy it would be drive your car of the road. How you accept gladly the nice things random people say to you, but refuse the words of the few wise loved ones who never left even when you gave every reason to.
Do you know how it feels to walk out of kitchen, middle of cooking together with family? Make up excuse because in reality you have to go to cry and you don't even know why.
Do you know how it feels to Cry because you are in pain that is hidden? Cry because your loved ones see you are in pain and try to help and you can't stand to be such a burden. Cry because you are so tired of not remembering what happened hour ago. Cry because things you could do easy two weeks ago feel impossible today. Cry because you can't understand so how could others.
Do you know how it feels to ask others to help you to butter your bread and see the pity or imagine it there?
Do you know the feeling of reading the same page or same sentence again and again because you just can't understand what you are reading? The words make no sense at all.
Do you know how it feels when your mind want to create so much and every movement you make is burning pain?
Do you know how it feels when you mix up words, words that doesn't even sound similar or mean the same? Or how you say always Katkarapu(shrimp) when try to say Karjalanpiirakka(karelia pie) or Raparperi(rhubarb) and make a joke out of it because it hurts.
Do you know how it feels to stay awake days because your body does not want to sleep? Do you know how it feels when your mind doesn't want to sleep? Do you know how it feels when you have to anchor yourself to couch sitting between pillows using all your medications and technical support so you don't move and you could sleep even a bit, until you move your fingers and pain awoken.
Do you know how it feels to sleep, sleep and sleep some more, yet be tired as you were before the sleep.
Do you know how it feel to find yourself thinking to leave your family, love of your life and turtles, because you feel you are just an burden to everyone?
Have you gone through even some of this, know all this and always look like fine healthy human specimen, no outside damage?
No? So don't come tell me I'm weak and complain about nothing, that I can do better if I really want to.
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