Quite often i feel I'm no good..

I can't do anything right.

Or really often I feel like it  that at least. I have really hard time to see my success, even if there is more of them. If there is even one failure, that's what I see.

Usually the thing now a day is, when I let someone important to me, down.
If I forget a promise, accidentally do or say something hurtful, that will bring me down for whole day or week. I have so few people around me, who to trust and love that I live in constant fear of losing them, because of my head, because I do or say something I don't even really mean and the donkeys back is broken.

I really don't trust people, there's really few I let myself even like or speaking of loving em, and because most of my adulthood I've not noticed or cared about anything but control , I've already lost people I, now looking back, would liked to keep close.

I known I can't be more or other than I am, but I can hope and try to be better, try to not lose the people who matter most.

It's horrible feeling, to not understand or see when you broke promises or step out of line or just lose control and be arsehat.

I know I should not be so hard on myself, doctors and therapist and people around me keeps telling me so… But after being harsehat a couple decades… It's hard to not be. There's so much regret in my life, so much shit I've done and what have been done to me.

I've also cut people out from my life because I've learned I've been only used, or that they've been bringing the worst out of me or because they been complete dicks.

I live in world of few people in real life, but thankfully I've found new family from the online world, all around the globe.