And this is why I am keeping a blog now.
I hate my brains quite often. But rescently specially. I have bipolar disorder, mostly manic, and it makes me think I know it all. Naturally that's not the case, usually far from it. It has been better since I had good medication to help me think a bit more before I yell to world that I'm right. I had good medication. Had.
See the thing is that I have also fibromyalgie. Because constant tiresome pain can be quite annoying or even horrible to live with, I asked doctor is there anything to help with it. Because I live in Finland all natural pain relief and other products that people around the world have got help, are banned but I can get drunk every day and government is willing to support me on that… Back to doctor. Doctor read my papers in and ask my about my other illnesses and then wrote me some triptyl.
First at all.. I got slow.. Zombie mode slow.. So we half the dose. Then, of course I didn't realize it then but afterwards, my bipolar started to kick in. I behave erratic, megalomaniac, jealous, crybaby, aggressive, depressed, overly happy and about everything else that usually don't happen to me in even same year. Almost too late I understood that I was losing myself. Too late because I was behaving really bad towards to my wife.
So I called doctor, who didn't believe me, that I cut that shit out… Even that it did help for the pain.
Months goes by, first I felt I get better, then suddenly I didn't. Half a year later I'm at sick leave, waiting for super hyper psychiatrist time. Had to take time off from job and school to keep my head at bay at home. Month ago, I realized that my bipolar medication didn't work anymore, or I hope that is the case, and I am using huge amounts of brain energy to fight off my politicians… demons I ment.
Last months have been like this. I hardly remember anything, short time memory stuff. I sleep but wake up as tired as I was when I went to sleep. I'm slow, stupid and I forget words all the time. And because I'm tired, I lose my concentration to keep my head in balance and I start to slip to bipolar side. And I hate it.
I hate to feel dumb, I hate to fight my brains, I hate to be tired, zombie, egomaniac. I just want back to there where I was in control of me.
Most of my adult life, I've felt either godlylike or completely worthless.
I wasn't pretty boy as young (never really understood the drooling for good looking humans, to me that seems quite, lack of intelligence, sorry) , my only merit was my fast mind and tongue. Because I've never felt like an… Good looking guy, I've been at least smart, funny and even charismatic (or so I've been told) but lately I've lost it all.
So it's been. Hellish. My self image has always been quite poor, but actually since the beard, gotten bit better :). But because my head is still complete mess, and I've never been able to get strength from good look…I wish I could go back to work, but I'm in apprenticeship deal for, youth worker and I'm not sure can I do that even if I get my head better.
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