I'm so tired all the time

Because of the constant battle in my head (yet my new medication does help with it, and I'm currently waiting for my Doctor to call, that can we maybe get the dose up a bit) I'm really tired all the time. Tired but incapable to sleep well and therefore I'm tired.. nice yes.

Because I'm so tired all the time, I have to push my self to do the necessary things, like make food, eat, wash clothes, dishes, clean the house, do my stretching to keep my broken parts in bit better shape... you know the drill. I even dream that I start to exercise to get my strength up, and I try to study coding and do my art and... there's so much I want to do, but usually I don't, because I'm so tired. Not tired physically, well, bit that too, but mostly tired mentally.

I'm sure I'm affected by the fact that I'm forced to wait, live in uncertainty of what is happening. You see, my doctor thought a while a go that I am in no shape at all to get back in the rat race, finding job, school or anything, so she and me, we decided to try to get me a temporary disability pension, for a year, so I could really get up from this swamp I've been last year. Get my medication, therapy and all in order, finishing my diagnoses because even there is still some uncertainty. And... and currently I'm just waiting what the faceless bureaucracy will decide for me. Wait what doctors who never see me or talk to me decide by the papers that others have written about me. so.. yeah. I have lot's of reason to be worried.

So how does this tiredness affect my life and others?

I don't do my share of the domestic work, I can't do hard physical because my tiredness does make my pains worse. I say I'm in pain when I'm actually more just tired but also afraid I'll be in pain if I do that something.

I'm quite restless all the time and annoying to others I think, hard to be sure on that. I try to be relaxed but I don't know have I managed to do so.

I hope my journey to get better do continue, because I am better than I was couple months ago, I really am. I dare to dream again, think about where to find me a job or new profession (but getting in school again does frighten me bit), I've been thinking this coding business, but I don't really have snack on it, then there's graphic business, where I do have some hope, but there's not so much job's around and I'm more like 3D guy (that's why I am ceramic artist and in one point of my life did do 3D-graphics to a pc game) and  that took my to think about Industrial Design and Audiovisual media Culture but then again... if my hand is fixable like lates doctor said.. I could maybe study to be Hairdresser or Welder (not sure why those two interest me.. well.. I've been cutting hair since kid.. but.. Welder.. well.. idea of making metallic sculptures does interest me.

anyhow

it seems I ones again lost my thought here..

well.. it happens.