Because of the constant battle in my head (yet my new medication does help with it, and I'm currently waiting for my Doctor to call, that can we maybe get the dose up a bit) I'm really tired all the time. Tired but incapable to sleep well and therefore I'm tired.. nice yes.
Because I'm so tired all the time, I have to push my self to do the necessary things, like make food, eat, wash clothes, dishes, clean the house, do my stretching to keep my broken parts in bit better shape... you know the drill. I even dream that I start to exercise to get my strength up, and I try to study coding and do my art and... there's so much I want to do, but usually I don't, because I'm so tired. Not tired physically, well, bit that too, but mostly tired mentally.
I'm sure I'm affected by the fact that I'm forced to wait, live in uncertainty of what is happening. You see, my doctor thought a while a go that I am in no shape at all to get back in the rat race, finding job, school or anything, so she and me, we decided to try to get me a temporary disability pension, for a year, so I could really get up from this swamp I've been last year. Get my medication, therapy and all in order, finishing my diagnoses because even there is still some uncertainty. And... and currently I'm just waiting what the faceless bureaucracy will decide for me. Wait what doctors who never see me or talk to me decide by the papers that others have written about me. so.. yeah. I have lot's of reason to be worried.
So how does this tiredness affect my life and others?
I don't do my share of the domestic work, I can't do hard physical because my tiredness does make my pains worse. I say I'm in pain when I'm actually more just tired but also afraid I'll be in pain if I do that something.
I'm quite restless all the time and annoying to others I think, hard to be sure on that. I try to be relaxed but I don't know have I managed to do so.
I hope my journey to get better do continue, because I am better than I was couple months ago, I really am. I dare to dream again, think about where to find me a job or new profession (but getting in school again does frighten me bit), I've been thinking this coding business, but I don't really have snack on it, then there's graphic business, where I do have some hope, but there's not so much job's around and I'm more like 3D guy (that's why I am ceramic artist and in one point of my life did do 3D-graphics to a pc game) and that took my to think about Industrial Design and Audiovisual media Culture but then again... if my hand is fixable like lates doctor said.. I could maybe study to be Hairdresser or Welder (not sure why those two interest me.. well.. I've been cutting hair since kid.. but.. Welder.. well.. idea of making metallic sculptures does interest me.
anyhow
it seems I ones again lost my thought here..
well.. it happens.
Showing posts with label tired. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tired. Show all posts
Sunday, 17 March 2019
Monday, 7 January 2019
There seems to be small misunderstanding
I've noticed that people around me seems to think I'm a pessimist, wishing for end of the world. Or at least end of Human civilization as it's now. That I hate humans! It's not completely true.
I'm not pessimist, I'm more like realist. I've been following what is happening around the globe, not only what humans are doing but also what is happening to the ground and weather (well part of that also is doings of humans). There's lot's of humans that I care deeply, it's just humans as specie that I despise. For reasons unclear to me, we as specie seem to be driven to destroy our self, hurt everything around us and be just complete assholes. It's interesting how even smart and kind humans, when gathered around with "other kinds " seem to lost em self and behave like sheep.
I use quite easy example. There's USA. Nation that has been quite modern, until reason only to know by them self's, they choose to be lead clown-idiot. Now, they keep follow that idiot-clown even that IT has shown again and again that he has no brains, no talent in business (funny fact, lot's of artist have made more successful business that that so called business man). At the moment that country is in situation where they are so shamed of who they let to be the leader, that they can't say how they regret it but just try to lie to em self's because they are so shamed to admit that they fall in that.
Seriously, why did YOU do it? Can't you read? Don't you follow new's, check facts..
Back to subject at hand... The worse thing in all this is, that there's generation who can be blamed (No, there has been always been good people in every generation, sadly in this generation the good people seem to be so small portion that they just could not do anything to the selfish assholes.)
I see how, I don't know how to call em.. the people who get birth from the parents who survived the great war.. those who got it easy, are destroying everything for the next generations. as said, not all of that generation is utter arsehats, but way too many. They got easy schooling, could just walk in and get a job, bought a house with money that today you can't get even decent car. And still, they keep shaming youngsters, who struggle because THEY, the generation before, made everything so hard.
But no. I'm not hoping for end of the world. I'm still hoping that humans, as specie wake up. stops the capitalism, the number one reason why everything is so complete shit. Stop killing the earth and our self.
--
Why do people worship money so? That I cannot understand. We live in world, where it would be just easy to keep everyone fed and under roof, but instead because of Capitalism others have decided to focus their whole life only to make em rich and others poor. You know, that's how capitalism work? It's all about making rich richer and rest poorer.
--
My therapist ones explained this to me.. I am extremely sensitive guy, her guess was that I've been really sensitive kid... but for reasons unknown at the moment, I felt the need to protect my self and build huge wall around me, and therefore I seem quite cold to outside.
And it is true, I do feel for others, I can see what others feel, but I don't want to. Because... I have enough of my own problems. SO.. being cold and bit ... bitch... I just try to keep humans far.
I'm not pessimist, I'm more like realist. I've been following what is happening around the globe, not only what humans are doing but also what is happening to the ground and weather (well part of that also is doings of humans). There's lot's of humans that I care deeply, it's just humans as specie that I despise. For reasons unclear to me, we as specie seem to be driven to destroy our self, hurt everything around us and be just complete assholes. It's interesting how even smart and kind humans, when gathered around with "other kinds " seem to lost em self and behave like sheep.
I use quite easy example. There's USA. Nation that has been quite modern, until reason only to know by them self's, they choose to be lead clown-idiot. Now, they keep follow that idiot-clown even that IT has shown again and again that he has no brains, no talent in business (funny fact, lot's of artist have made more successful business that that so called business man). At the moment that country is in situation where they are so shamed of who they let to be the leader, that they can't say how they regret it but just try to lie to em self's because they are so shamed to admit that they fall in that.
Seriously, why did YOU do it? Can't you read? Don't you follow new's, check facts..
Back to subject at hand... The worse thing in all this is, that there's generation who can be blamed (No, there has been always been good people in every generation, sadly in this generation the good people seem to be so small portion that they just could not do anything to the selfish assholes.)
I see how, I don't know how to call em.. the people who get birth from the parents who survived the great war.. those who got it easy, are destroying everything for the next generations. as said, not all of that generation is utter arsehats, but way too many. They got easy schooling, could just walk in and get a job, bought a house with money that today you can't get even decent car. And still, they keep shaming youngsters, who struggle because THEY, the generation before, made everything so hard.
But no. I'm not hoping for end of the world. I'm still hoping that humans, as specie wake up. stops the capitalism, the number one reason why everything is so complete shit. Stop killing the earth and our self.
--
Why do people worship money so? That I cannot understand. We live in world, where it would be just easy to keep everyone fed and under roof, but instead because of Capitalism others have decided to focus their whole life only to make em rich and others poor. You know, that's how capitalism work? It's all about making rich richer and rest poorer.
--
My therapist ones explained this to me.. I am extremely sensitive guy, her guess was that I've been really sensitive kid... but for reasons unknown at the moment, I felt the need to protect my self and build huge wall around me, and therefore I seem quite cold to outside.
And it is true, I do feel for others, I can see what others feel, but I don't want to. Because... I have enough of my own problems. SO.. being cold and bit ... bitch... I just try to keep humans far.
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