My feelings are quite sad.

It's still the stress (when I write this) that cause me to curl deep inside me and just want to cry (which I can't do because I'm so fucked up).
I have lot's of feelings, they are just stuck somewhere deep in side me and even that I know they are there, I can't use 'em at all.
It's horrible, I don't know have any of you ever been in this situation.
I can't really show my love to my wife, I want, I can say the words and I mean them, but I can't show it.
I believe I'm kind of depressed at the moment, but not quite because I have working medication, so, I don't look depressed I can work.. I've heard word High function depression and I believe I'm in something similar.

I don't like this.

I want to feel better, I want to open the knots in me, I want to have life again. Life without constant fear of everything.
Life where I can feel wanted.
Life where I dream.

I had that for a short time, so I know the medication is correct. But the huge stress about where and when do I get the money to live have push me back down in the dark hole where I try to cry help but no one hear me. I try to use words, but because I act different, my words are ignored. I don't want to be a burden so I just keep most of it inside. More so, because I know lot's of my loved ones are not so well either.

SO.. couple days and I have meeting with my new mentalhealth nurse/ therapist, I hope so much it'll help, I need to get better. But. I don't trust people, she's a new person to me, so it'll take hell knows how long for me top open, if never. I know I have so much things in my life that I should, no, need to talk about but I can't start it and I need help in that.

I need to know what is the reason that I feel this shit. I need to know.

As long as I can't feel safe, I can't let go even a bit. I keep my self in control so much that it's not good at all. But I can't change that because I'm afraid I loose it completely. I need to get some stability before I can start letting me free a bit.

I have no idea does this make any sense to anyone. I just try to thoughtpuke to easy my feeling even a bit.

I feel shit.