This is me

Well.. this is how I see myself.

I'm depressed or highly-function depressed, swinging between those two currently.

I'm artistic... no... I'm creative humanoid. I write, I paint, sculpt, crafts of different kind.. that has always been my therapy, just that it doesn't help so much anymore. But for that I have now medication and hopefully soon also some kind of therapy.

I'm socially awkward, I either am too open, too emphatic or I don't get anything at all. Usually it goes somewhat like this. I say or do something that hurt someone and I realize it right then and there and it so hard on me that I panic and try to explain what happened and ... well I push on and usually make things even worse.

I am not a flirting, slick or overly romantic. I will not use words that I don't mean to get people to like me.. I use to.. but I don't anymore. I try hard to be true. Real.
So. I show my feelings as well as I can, but more often I say them as they are. with True face (is that right? I didn't find anything that would fit in my image and Finnish words... I mean when my face is calm and .. like a stone... anyhow).

I have to accept that if that's not enough for others, then it just isn't. I can't be that Me who I was, nor do I want to. I've been broken for so long that now, when I have find my way to build myself up again, I want to do it better. Now I have tools from 30 years to make more sense in me.

I don't want to be slick, I hate slick greasy people. I hate when others are trying to please me ... no... I mean when they do it because they have some hidden agenda. I accept it only then when it's real.

I use to be  faker, and I can see them from far and I don't want no fakers in my life.

I have learned so much in my years of complete insanity (inside my mind) that It's start to but all that knowledge in good use.

As soon as I get to stabilize my current situation.

I let go. I stop trying to control everything in me.
I let me be me.
I love the people around me, I try to be good to them, but I don't try to please them just because of that... pleasing them. I can love them and still argue things, cause some light havoc, tiny fights... well.. I've heard it's part of life. part of relationships.
For a long time, I've done all I can to avoid any kind conflicts... and it's not healthy.
I will start speaking things earlier, even if my thoughts are not complete yet. because my mind have bad habit to make every worse in time.

So.. Yes. this is positive blog.
I don't know can you read it between the lines..
But I'm understanding myself so much better than I did a week ago.
I've talked with people who have known me a long long time, people who I've met online yet found new siblings, aunt's, uncles and virtual grandad. I've talked a lot and I've listened and they have listened and I'm starting to feel, I have tools to win or at least get even with this.

So. I'm optimistic about future. I'm still in bad shape, but I did send my application to university. I dare to dream.

More things I love

My sneaky high function depression does keep on going. So I keep on tricking my brains and make a list of things I love.

I love stars, i love to lie down on snow and watch the night sky
I love summernights and campfire
I love the smell of air after thunderstorm
I love fall sleep holding my live in my arms.
I love the life without alcohol, yet still sometimes it's hard.
I love ceramics, the feel of clay between my finger.
I love ceramics, the unknown what you find when open the kiln door.
I love to make love with my love.
I love to do hard labour as much as my body can handle.
I love flowers, all flowers.
I love nettle in field, in tea in bread.
I love my few friends who don't have the need to stay in contact every day, but after years it's like we had met just yesterday.
I love when my wife laugh my stupid stuff.
I love to laugh to my wife's stupid stuff.
I love the offspring and his amazing mind.
I love my beard, and would love to have a huge one, but I'm too lazy take care of it.
I love people who buy my art, it make me feel good when someone else love something I've made. 

I love to be able to help others.
I love to speak about my difficulties to others, whom might get some help from my adventures. 

I love to hunt, but I don't shoot often. 

I love to hold her hand when we are shopping. 

I love to take a walk with her. 

I Love to hug the offspring

I love to hug my god-daughter and her brother. 

I love to hug rest of the kid's in my family. 

I love woolen stockings winter and summer... and spring and autumn. 

I love to get better. 

I love the amazing people I've found from internet.
I love my sister from internet. 

I love my imagination, but bit sad that I don't know how to use it in basic life.

I love to swim in natural waters. 

I love to eat smoked fish. 

I love to go fishing at summer.

I love that I can find so many things I love. 

I love to have amazing people in my life. 

I love that I might have to write third list of things I love. 

I love to study Spanish.

High function depression

This is positive blog, because I feel that every time when I learn something about my illnesses, helps me understand it and therefore keep it under supervision.

As you know, I was in deep depression last summer... well... most of last year. There was lot's of reasons for that, and you can find out about those by reading my older posts. So I don't go there now. I was there, now I know how to fight it and my medication and kind-of-therapy help. So, after one long and deep depression I hope I can keep it at bay. I really hope so.

But that's what I was about to talk this time... well.. write.

I've been wondering lately, why I feel so sad, and why I say and think dark thoughts and why I'm tired all the time, even when I have enjoyed, like when our dear friend visited us, I was so tired after that, that I just had to take a nap.... well I did have headache also. Anyhow. My unconscious mind have been doing a lot of shit to me lately, but I didn't realize it earlier. So.. naturally I managed to make a lot of damage. But this doesn't feel the same as the depression of last year so I didn't understood what was happening and therefore... I fucked things up. So I started to wonder, just now, about High function depression, I had hear my offspring use a term.

I have let myself learn that there are so many different kind of depressions, of course because whole concept of depression was new to me until last year, I had no way to know what was happening now

"The signs and symptoms of high-functioning depression are similar to those caused by major depression but are less severe. They may include changes in eating and sleeping habits, low self-esteem, fatigue, hopelessness, and difficulty concentrating. Symptoms persist on most days, causing a nearly constant low mood that lasts for two years or more. Most people function almost normally but struggle internally. Treatment is possible for high-functioning depression through medications and therapy."

In my case, beside those, I seem to try to separate my self from people who I love. Even that I can work, function quite normally, even have happy moments, my brain keep on doing fucking tricks on me, making me think things that not really matter to me or do things that I don't want to do or say things.
I believe it's related to my self-confidence problems, the my depressed unconscious  mind try to make me... well.. as said, separate from people who I love and who give me strength to fight. I managed to start building my self-confidence in this... couple last months, and now, this sneaky bastard did ruin it silently and I didn't see it. But I do my best to keep it happening again.

I have to talk about this with my doctor, because this is so much harder to notice and understand. I mean, I act quite normal, I do art, I watch movies, do house chores, write, study Spanish. But all this time I'm sad, I have difficulties to sleep, I'm thinking things that make me sad or angry or hopeless but it all happens so sneaky that I don't really realize it at all. I would not have started to see this, I mean, I would not know what's wrong with me if there wasn't friends around the globe who talked with me and told me to check this out, and I remembered how my offspring had been talked it too, so.. I started to find information about it.. and Surprise surprise it fit quite well in my current situation. So.. if I survive the fallout of the crap I managed to cause... I hope and believe I can recognize the symptoms before I fuck things up again.

I said this is positive blog. And to me it is. Even that I managed to cause serious damage again, I now know how to prevent it happen ever again.
I learned a lot, about depression generally and high-function one.

I need to know what and why to do something about it.
The thing that have lately make things harder is that my mental health problems have suddenly change from what it use to be, and I'm still trying to learn to live with this... new.. situation.

I just hope that people around me, the important people around me can see my struggle to find me again.

oh shut up.. this is positive.

I'm learning. I'm finding tools to get better.

It is hard.. but I do try

My new way of life.

I'm haunted by memories that I can't be sure are they true. I'm haunted about things that are not true, and I'm haunted by things I know but I don't want to know.

I'm depressed again been a long while now, just didn't realize it earlier, which suck, because IT fooled me again to do things, and it's hitting hard, yet some fuck up system in me wont let me show it, so I try to write this, my open journal to tell it, tell how bad I feel. But I'm bored to be victim of my own mind, even that my depressed mind let things that are good, evade me. Even the things that are most important to me fill me sadness. I keep on fighting, and only thing I've found to help me, is to concentrate on good memories.

But I try.

So, because the my depression I start to think all the crap from things years and years ago, things that I'm not sure are they true or products of my dark mind.

So I try to find memories that make me happy, memories that I'm pretty sure are true.

Memories that I hope are true but non the less they do bring me joy and are important and after years of darkness, I can remember them again.

I was drunk, as it was quite usual back then. I was teenager in new city without any real friends, studying in school that I thought was good for me, well I thought that before I had studied there a while. So, I was drunk and walking around the city. Alone.( later I found handful of humanoids that I quite enjoyed to stay around.) Trying to find someone to fight with, but it was middle of week so, city was quite silent.
I send couple text messages to people I knew, can't remember what.
Then my phone ring.
Sound wasn't familiar to me, but it was interesting. Female started to teas me. Can't remember the words, but she sounded wonderful and she knew who I was. Before that, I didn't believe anyone had really noticed me beside couple guys with whom I had done some projects. She talked to me, wanted to know me, had amazing wit and brain and she rocked my world in that phone call. I was in the city when she called. I sit in .. pavilion, speak with her, tell more about myself than I had ever told to anyone. TO someone I had no idea who she was.

First time in my life I felt someone was truly interested about me. Because I had obviously already then quite poor self-confidence I reasons unknown to me started to talk about someone else, but she told me, she wanted to hear about me, not that someone. At some point I started to walk to back home, but still I was on the phone, talking to that someone all the time. Hours. I can't, sadly, remember all what we talked in that call, I would love to remember, because I can remember that I fall in love then, without even knowing who she was. All I knew that she was in the same school with me, we had some common  acquaintance whom she had got my number.
I walked .. I think something like 6km to home, and still we were on the phone, talking about everything. She had amazing mind, glorious humor and so talented user of sarcasm. She did give me hint's who she might be, but to be honest, I had no idea. I walked in school quite blind, because there was so many arselings and I didn't want to have anything to do with them, so obviously I did miss alot of those, who might not be arselings.

So.. I was at home, we finally ended the call... and I had still no idea who she was. I couldn't sleep that night. I was sober again.. and I was haunted who she was.

Next day was school day, as I said, I was drunk middle of week. I walked in classroom and somehow, I knew. One most beautiful smile I had ever seen from the face I had never noticed before... then there's a long dark period. I don't remember did we talk then or not. All I can remember was that she send me a message, I think... might have been call too.. Asked would I skip school with her. and I jumped on table, walked out of classroom. Teacher just stand there and looked confused.

We had great day, she, me and our common friend, we walked around the city, talked. At some point she started to tease me, stole my scarf and tiny things like that.

I will never forget.

I know, I've told this story differently before, mostly about what made me see her and how I reacted.. I don't know why.. somehow some toxic masculinity didn't let me tell her, that it was her mind that made me fall for her right then and there. Don't get me wrong, she was beautiful. She is beautiful woman with amazing mind.

I love you. 

My feelings are quite sad.

It's still the stress (when I write this) that cause me to curl deep inside me and just want to cry (which I can't do because I'm so fucked up).
I have lot's of feelings, they are just stuck somewhere deep in side me and even that I know they are there, I can't use 'em at all.
It's horrible, I don't know have any of you ever been in this situation.
I can't really show my love to my wife, I want, I can say the words and I mean them, but I can't show it.
I believe I'm kind of depressed at the moment, but not quite because I have working medication, so, I don't look depressed I can work.. I've heard word High function depression and I believe I'm in something similar.

I don't like this.

I want to feel better, I want to open the knots in me, I want to have life again. Life without constant fear of everything.
Life where I can feel wanted.
Life where I dream.

I had that for a short time, so I know the medication is correct. But the huge stress about where and when do I get the money to live have push me back down in the dark hole where I try to cry help but no one hear me. I try to use words, but because I act different, my words are ignored. I don't want to be a burden so I just keep most of it inside. More so, because I know lot's of my loved ones are not so well either.

SO.. couple days and I have meeting with my new mentalhealth nurse/ therapist, I hope so much it'll help, I need to get better. But. I don't trust people, she's a new person to me, so it'll take hell knows how long for me top open, if never. I know I have so much things in my life that I should, no, need to talk about but I can't start it and I need help in that.

I need to know what is the reason that I feel this shit. I need to know.

As long as I can't feel safe, I can't let go even a bit. I keep my self in control so much that it's not good at all. But I can't change that because I'm afraid I loose it completely. I need to get some stability before I can start letting me free a bit.

I have no idea does this make any sense to anyone. I just try to thoughtpuke to easy my feeling even a bit.

I feel shit.

Why I write the blog?

For me and for you.

This force me to think more, find the words I've lost, inspect modern me, am I more the real me, does my illnesses fuck me up and how and how to fix or reroute things so the illnesses don't ruin the good around me.

This is therapy to me, clear my head, especially when I'm in bad place.

I try not to pour my thoughts to my loved ones so I write em down, they read em if they want. But I think so much and observe myself all the time that I need to speak it out somehow.

And because when I thought to start writing a blog, People were like.” YES. and please write it in english” I can’t be sure, but I think it might be that… I have couple nasty “illnesses” that are quite common, but still too much of a tabu and people want to break out of it and it’s always good that someone else does it first, no matter how poorly it’s done as long as it’s understandable?

I’ve been told, that my writings help people close to me, understand better why I behave so odd ways, but also people who don't know me tell it help them to understand their own loved ones, friends, bosses or neighbours. I have done some talking to little groups about this, mostly to parents of adhd children's, and there I get a lot that I really help, it’s easier to share the light in live situation when You can see the other’s and how they react to your message. Here, I don’t have that powerful tool, I hope to get messages or some words from you few readers, that am I really writing just for myself, is my english too hard to comprehend. I was thinking to write in both English and Finnish, but to be honest, I can’t keep me in one subject so long that I could do a translation either way and I’m bit shy to ask anyone to do the translation for me, because I use really weird and funny ways to express myself and then I would have to explain myself all the time so that someone could do proper translation. So I keep writing in english and hope for the best.

I live in difficult time, we are trying to find me working medication for two of three “illnesses” of mine. My old medication for bipolar disorder fall down because of fibromyalgia medication OR doctor suspect that it had never worked good but that medication made my brains bit sticky so I just didn’t even realise it. I have now 4th new medication under testdrive and… well it’s not working good either and my doctor is changing and you see the need to open up somewhere.

I have, thankfully, awesome family, quite understanding workplace (where I have been on sick leave 4 months soon) and talented professional to talk to about these. But for sure, I would slowly like to get this first problem, Bipolar disorder under control now so we could continue to find something for Fibro also, because that my readers, that is tiresome illness.

But in the meantime I keep doing art, If you are interested of my art, here’s link to my “homepage” and writing these blogs.

Feel free to share or whatever my texts, I don’t mind if I could make a living by helping others ways that I can do. Currently all I seems to be able to do is writing blogs, and making art. I’m not in shape to do those live “talk” sessions no matter how much I would love to be. I have to think bit selfishly now and get me on shape again, shape where I can give hope to people who come to listen me, not the opposite.

So yeah.

Jani

Medication

Medical stuff... I wasn't about to write about this. I'm no doctor. But people keep asking. 

I don't say names of the drugs because every human is different and something that didn't work for me might be perfect for others.

I don't say don't take medicine or take it, it's up to you and your doctor and family.

I say. Go out, do some exercise, eat healthy.. It won't hurt.. Probably.

I've been under surveillance of doctors a decade now… Or so I thought. After all this was not true. I had one medication. It didn't work to much and was bad for my brain but I didn't notice anything because I was under influence of the drug. Before that there was one drug that destroyed my artistic side and that was to much.

Some doctor updated my recipe time to time, no phone calls, no blood work… No Nothing . Then I went to get help to my pain and.. That started the landslide.

First they told me I have fibromyalgia, wrote me some weird tablets to it and those ruined the rest of my Bipolar medication.

After month I drop the fibro tablets but it was too late. Still it took half a year for me to see something was wrong, and it was mostly help from others that I really saw it.

So I seek help. First dr told she has no knowledge enough of my hard situation and wrote me sick leave and send to higher powers.

The higher powers started the desperate search for working medication for first Bipolar and someday when that's covered then fibro. Thankfully my adhd medication hasn't stop working.

First drug. Help my head yeah so +
But caused= dizziness, internal shaking, headache, constant bad feeling in stomach, eye problems, couldn't concentrate. Tiredness, So lot's of - - -

2 drug. Nothing good. Everything worse.

3 drug. Still under this one currently.
Helps head +
But. dizziness, eye problems, couldn't concentrate. Tiredness, hard to sleep, anxiety(hard one), heart drums like Ulrich playing high, hell of lot energy, anxiety even more, and still can't concentrate to do something, hard to think or drive a car. extra Drooling, face bit numb (good compo).

Now I must count again is it worth it.

But I know there's medication where has more + than -... Just need to find it. Hopefully soon.

I don't even hope or believe to live without medication. I need it for me to be comfortably in me and to be less of assholes to my loved ones. I need em to be even tiny bit part of society, visit relatives go to mall.. So… I hate to take chemicals but I need em.. Like really need.

Fibromyalgia

If you are not familiar with this damned thing, here's link to one of the many more official places to gain more knowledge.

To me this is a new fellow-traveller and I wasn't planning to do any writing about him yet, but then lately one evening he jump out of the closet suddenly and was like “did you miss me? “

I was actually driving a car then, felt fine and second later felt like burning rod was pushed through my right shoulder.

As said this is new to me, I haven't even have named the symptoms yet much, except the cottoncandyhead. And that's not originally my idea but something wife used to call when her head felt funny, it just seems fitting to this fibro slow… ThThinkin… Brains… It was either cottoncandy or oatmeal head… hmm yes, I do like to eat.

To me the worst is how it effects on my head. Pain is nasty and so is being tired but.. Pain is old friend to me, since I broke my knee and later my inter-vertebral disc, so only new here was the, how suddenly and random fibropain is.

But even that I've lived with ADHD whole life and struggled with bipolar disorder most of my adulthood.. This is new. See adhd makes my brain reeeally fast, world happens bit like slow motion sometimes. Bipolar makes me think I'm God and second later I'm worthless to be living (bit exaggerated), makes me act like there's different persons inside me even that it's just me changing mind and behavior really fast and many times a day.

But Fibromyalgia seems to slow me down, make me forget things, get me lost in my thoughts, like I really would be paddling trough oatmeal. I have difficulties to make decisions, I'm unsure about everything and I forget a lot, even if I've written it down.

Someday s are so bad that suddenly I just have to walk to another room, away my loving family because I feel so worthless. My brain does not comply my body is in pain and others have to step in to cover me. How can I not cry in these situations. When I see how big of a burden I have become.

I'm tired all the time, I can't sleep without some pills yet even that dream doesn't really refresh me, but I must try to keep up smile and be productive at work and understand what school means.

And most of time I just want to cry, because this is not me. 

I don't have any medication for this, yet. Story behind that goes like this.

I have adhd and bipolar disorder too, as said earlier. When I was diagnosed with fibro, I was given some drugs too, but beside that it did ease a bit of my sudden pains is also secretly mess up my head, and my bipolar medication. I dropped the fibro pills after month or two, because I could see it just made my situation worse, but what I didn't see, is that my bipolar medication didn't survive. I kept eating it, but it didn't work. Now, I believe it haven't ever worked too well, but enough for me to survive, but now, I started to slip back to my egomaniac arsehat personality that I really really hated, and when you added the random Fibro-Zombie there... weeelll.. it wasn't pretty. Basically I was zombie who thought he can do everything and is the king of the hill. 

So now, new doctor. trying to fix me. fist Bipolar, and when that's under control, we dive in to Fibromyalgia again.

Relationship

Relationship

Oh I don't say I'm right. I just say how I currently feel and think.

For longest of time I've taken my partner for granted. Because of my illnesses our relationship has changed and currently even we don't know where we stand.

I love her and she love me, there's no doubt in that. But everything else is quite hard to explain at the moment.

I live in place where I have accepted that someday she might want or need to leave. I feel she has all the right to do so, but I  don't prepare for that. What I do, but my difficulties side, try to make her feel better with me.

I understand now that I can't make her happy, that's her “job” but I can try to be better. She's not only my wife, she's also my best friend and the one I trust. She's been with me through hell and I owe her more than I can ever repay.

So. I love her and we have decided that we define our relationship as we feel right for us.

I don't feel it's right that, she has to pour me tea because I can't, even that I hardly ever am in that bad shape.
I know she doesn't deserve the megalomaniac I am when my bipolar medication doesn't work. Or zombie when fibro cloud my thoughts.

After all, I think, I could be wrong, my adhd is the least of my difficulties to burden her.

I feel the marriage should be in balanced, work together, equal and loving in friendship and erotic way. Most of time I haven't been that, first because I thought it was then later because I was so bad shape that I couldn't. Now I'm place that I can and will be more for her.

It must be hard to live with someone like me. Person who is far from stable and trustworthy but not by choice. I can only imagine how it feels to be in relationship with such a burden. If I would do all this crap, because I wanted, I believe I would be alone. So.. I'm really not sure who in this family is most tired right now when my medication, therapy and all is on hold, except the medication.. I'm sure we both are horrified yet hopeful that my medication situation get fixed soon so I can be more me again.

I love my wife but I also know I'm a burden to her. Sometimes I think I should just leave, so she could have easier life.