This is me

Well.. this is how I see myself.

I'm depressed or highly-function depressed, swinging between those two currently.

I'm artistic... no... I'm creative humanoid. I write, I paint, sculpt, crafts of different kind.. that has always been my therapy, just that it doesn't help so much anymore. But for that I have now medication and hopefully soon also some kind of therapy.

I'm socially awkward, I either am too open, too emphatic or I don't get anything at all. Usually it goes somewhat like this. I say or do something that hurt someone and I realize it right then and there and it so hard on me that I panic and try to explain what happened and ... well I push on and usually make things even worse.

I am not a flirting, slick or overly romantic. I will not use words that I don't mean to get people to like me.. I use to.. but I don't anymore. I try hard to be true. Real.
So. I show my feelings as well as I can, but more often I say them as they are. with True face (is that right? I didn't find anything that would fit in my image and Finnish words... I mean when my face is calm and .. like a stone... anyhow).

I have to accept that if that's not enough for others, then it just isn't. I can't be that Me who I was, nor do I want to. I've been broken for so long that now, when I have find my way to build myself up again, I want to do it better. Now I have tools from 30 years to make more sense in me.

I don't want to be slick, I hate slick greasy people. I hate when others are trying to please me ... no... I mean when they do it because they have some hidden agenda. I accept it only then when it's real.

I use to be  faker, and I can see them from far and I don't want no fakers in my life.

I have learned so much in my years of complete insanity (inside my mind) that It's start to but all that knowledge in good use.

As soon as I get to stabilize my current situation.

I let go. I stop trying to control everything in me.
I let me be me.
I love the people around me, I try to be good to them, but I don't try to please them just because of that... pleasing them. I can love them and still argue things, cause some light havoc, tiny fights... well.. I've heard it's part of life. part of relationships.
For a long time, I've done all I can to avoid any kind conflicts... and it's not healthy.
I will start speaking things earlier, even if my thoughts are not complete yet. because my mind have bad habit to make every worse in time.

So.. Yes. this is positive blog.
I don't know can you read it between the lines..
But I'm understanding myself so much better than I did a week ago.
I've talked with people who have known me a long long time, people who I've met online yet found new siblings, aunt's, uncles and virtual grandad. I've talked a lot and I've listened and they have listened and I'm starting to feel, I have tools to win or at least get even with this.

So. I'm optimistic about future. I'm still in bad shape, but I did send my application to university. I dare to dream.