This is me

Well.. this is how I see myself.

I'm depressed or highly-function depressed, swinging between those two currently.

I'm artistic... no... I'm creative humanoid. I write, I paint, sculpt, crafts of different kind.. that has always been my therapy, just that it doesn't help so much anymore. But for that I have now medication and hopefully soon also some kind of therapy.

I'm socially awkward, I either am too open, too emphatic or I don't get anything at all. Usually it goes somewhat like this. I say or do something that hurt someone and I realize it right then and there and it so hard on me that I panic and try to explain what happened and ... well I push on and usually make things even worse.

I am not a flirting, slick or overly romantic. I will not use words that I don't mean to get people to like me.. I use to.. but I don't anymore. I try hard to be true. Real.
So. I show my feelings as well as I can, but more often I say them as they are. with True face (is that right? I didn't find anything that would fit in my image and Finnish words... I mean when my face is calm and .. like a stone... anyhow).

I have to accept that if that's not enough for others, then it just isn't. I can't be that Me who I was, nor do I want to. I've been broken for so long that now, when I have find my way to build myself up again, I want to do it better. Now I have tools from 30 years to make more sense in me.

I don't want to be slick, I hate slick greasy people. I hate when others are trying to please me ... no... I mean when they do it because they have some hidden agenda. I accept it only then when it's real.

I use to be  faker, and I can see them from far and I don't want no fakers in my life.

I have learned so much in my years of complete insanity (inside my mind) that It's start to but all that knowledge in good use.

As soon as I get to stabilize my current situation.

I let go. I stop trying to control everything in me.
I let me be me.
I love the people around me, I try to be good to them, but I don't try to please them just because of that... pleasing them. I can love them and still argue things, cause some light havoc, tiny fights... well.. I've heard it's part of life. part of relationships.
For a long time, I've done all I can to avoid any kind conflicts... and it's not healthy.
I will start speaking things earlier, even if my thoughts are not complete yet. because my mind have bad habit to make every worse in time.

So.. Yes. this is positive blog.
I don't know can you read it between the lines..
But I'm understanding myself so much better than I did a week ago.
I've talked with people who have known me a long long time, people who I've met online yet found new siblings, aunt's, uncles and virtual grandad. I've talked a lot and I've listened and they have listened and I'm starting to feel, I have tools to win or at least get even with this.

So. I'm optimistic about future. I'm still in bad shape, but I did send my application to university. I dare to dream.

I'm currently in between.

Those of you, who actually have been reading this since the beginning, know that I've been suffering quite a burnout. It started with combination of Doctor's fucked up my medication and toxic leadership at job. Usually I might have been able to handle the latter, but when your mental-medication start to make you unstable.. well, things go bad fast.

That was about year ago.

I have now, let's see, fifth new medication at test drive. It could be quite perfect, as it was suggested a Pain-Specialist-Doctor to my Psychiatrist so the same magic pill could, in theory, easy my Fibro/other pains and stable my mental state.

Of course I don't dare to dream much yet, even that another Doctor thought there's a chance my wrist is fixable. But as I said, I don't dare dream much. I'm waiting do I get disability pension/rehab for a year like Doctor's order was. Because my diagnoses are still bit vague that doctor doesn't quite know what kind of help I need, current hope is that this new medication give some stability to my head and we can build therapy and such on top of that.

Year ago, I was just fine with Disability Pension, the idea felt just fine for me, no pressure of job/school..tiny money monthly, can get more by working little...

But now, I don't know anymore. I feel I would much more prefer to actually get a job as soon as I get my health in order (of course I hope that will happen.) I feel There's still something that I can offer to society, even that I don't like society much.

I've been checking out how computer languages work, coding. Not sure is it for me, but I have time, so why not at least try.

I'm highly interested about human psyche, sadly that would need lot's of schooling and closest school for that is.. far far away, and I'm family man so, moving after school is not so easy. The good part of Coding anyhow is, that one can actually learn it without school, it might be harder, and take time, and more work to show Job's that one really can... but still.. it can be done. SO, I've been wondering that.

But I really believe I could be quite good psychologist

Anyhow.. Everything is open at the moment. I don't know will I get that rehab/disability Pension, if not, I don't know what happens, do I have to get back in try-to-find-a-job-business or some random school? Because I'm just taking first steps where I at least dare to dream I might someday get better.

I hate the Unknown.  Not knowing what will happens, what should I do, where to go.Is there job's I can do, better yet, that I can get?