I fucked up again.

I know it's the stress that make's me have this lapse, but still it hurt me. It hurt me to see the look in my family's eyes, it hurt to hear the words and all the time I can only say and think. " I know!"

I say stupid, hurting words. I don't mean to, I don't even realize those might be wrong words, not before I've said them and then there's that look. Something in me don't let me even apologize right a way, no I need some time to beat my self up first, then I can apologize and even explain.

I'm such a mess right now, even that my medication does take the worst edge off from both ends, but it doesn't help with adhd, and I'm not sure do I want to start different medication for that, last one didn't help much. Maybe later, when I've gotten this fucked up bipolar disorder back in my control... well hopefully even bit more.

But this is hell at the moment. I don't know really who am I. I am uncertain about everything, even how to make a fucking food. I can't make up my mind in little things or big things. I've lost my self somewhere in this hell that started over year ago when something triggered something in me, and everything went to shit. I can be calm on the outside.. well kind of.. but inside me there's a war going... or maybe it's more like earthquake and global warming mixed with alien tsunami.

I try to hide my uncertainty all my mess inside, I feel ashamed of it, so I act like I'm the superman or something. I try to hide the feeling of being nothing so hard. I'm quite sure that this actually just make things worse, both to people around me and me. But I don't know how to stop... yet. I will find it. I will.


I need to cry, but cry don't come. I need to sleep, but sleep don't come.

Yet.

I know I'm getting better, the medicine is working enough for me to be hopeful again, but I need help to get my self back in shape, and currently the professionals haven't been able to help me much, because, I'm in line to get more examinations to know what is wrong with me and maybe then they can help me get better.

But what I feel is.. that I'm lost. Lost in me.

I try to unload myself on.. well.. here. I write novel/s. I paint, drawn and hopefully get to make ceramics again too. I study Spanish, just because. I dream to at least try to get in university. But.. most of all I dream to find my self again, to be able to be great father and great husband.

I love you wife.
I love you offspring.

Thank you and Sorry.

Never give up, Never Surrender. 

I refuce to stress about this

This blogging thing.

Small part in me, keep whispering that there should be some rhythm, writing like every week or.. something silly. But today I realized that NO.. Because this whole blog is about me trying to keep sane, getting better and wenting here.

So, I'll write when I have the need to write, not because I felt YOU deserve, but because I feel the urge to write and tell what is happening in my tiny mind.

Now that I'm already writing here, I must say, as you might have noticed, My writing do meander (is that word? is that correct word? is it a word at all?) I might start writing about ... headache but in the end it's you who have it because I'm talking about space and time continuum paradoxes in Doctor Who terminology mixed with bits of Discworld.

the whole point of this blog, when I started it, was because I was such an mess, that I needed to get my thoughts out and because of my state of mind, I could not art, and usually that is my way to went. SO, I started to write a blog about what's happening to me. What I'm thinking, what I don't.

This has helped, and keep on helping I hope. Even that I have slowly started to art again, speak out loud, and write more, another blog, and fictional novel even (I don't know where that goes... but I'm interested to see.

Basically, I dare to be hopeful about my future. And I decided that it's time for me to be me so, I don't write anything but what I want and when I want.