Do you know... what it feels when you can't trus your words?

I have had this problem quit a long time. Sometimes it's easier, just tiny things, loose some one word... but then.. there's times, when my mouth let out something that I didn't mean to say at all.

It's horrifying. Thankfully, I don't too often hurt peoples feelings.. not that I mind that If I meant to hurt them, but It's horrible to hurt others, simply because your words betray you completely.

Now. I don't know is it related to adhd or Bipolar or what a hell.. But it's annoying as hell. It does affect my life. Mostly by the way of .. I HATE PHONES.

I hate it. Because I don't see the huuuman at the another end. If my mouth fuck me up, the another one don't see my shock and horror, he/she can easily think I meant it. Also, I don't see their face so I don't know what the reaction there is truly, not that I could say I'm good at reading people anyhow.

But yeah. I love words, I know how to use em, I know amazingly huge amounts of them and even where and how to use em... well.. most of. I know words in 4 languages... well enough to say hi and order tea.

But that's why I'm more likely to send emails and messages, there, I usually can double check that I haven't accidentally add sentences or words that I wasn't even thinking of.

I don't know..

Do anyone suffer similar thing? 

Things I love

I love that I have people who I love,
I love that I have people who love me.
I love the pink shoelaces I have, watching them makes me always smile.
I love my offspring
I love my offspring's wonderful humor, wit and good heart. 
I love my wife, I have learn a lot from her.
I love my wife even more, she hasn't let me push her a way.
I love my wife, because I love.
I love my wife's wit, her humor and strong and pig heart.
I love the smile on their faces, their laugh and words.
I love that they are here, near to me.
I love to see them happy,
I love to see them excited.
I love the scent of my wife.
I love the noise that our offspring makes, even the farts.
I love books, even that I can't read well.
I love to listen audiobooks, because I can't read well anymore.
I love my sister, even that shes quite bonkers.
I love my sisters kids, they are smart and noisy and asking a lot of good questions.
I love my brother, hes weird and smart and taller than me, yet he don't get fat and that I don't like.
I love to draw, paint and sculpt, I love to tell the stories inside me.
I love all the childrens of my siblings, they make me happy, yet I get tired fast, but still I'm happy with them.
I love my mother, I have learn a lot from her.
I love my father, and I miss him.
I love my mother's new man, he is important and sweet.
I love the nature, It keeps me .. well us all, going.
I love movies, they help me.
I love my few friends, the talks and silences.
I love my family
I love dogs. Every dog. Dogs are wonderful and always make me smile.
I love A'tuin and Morla, our turtles, they make me smile everyday just because they are silly.
I love to write, another way to tell my stories, even that I'm not so good at it.
I love to be alone, but not for long.
I love cows, they know how to live.
I love the sheep, they are like tiny cows.
I love my twisted humor, my ability to find fun from everything if I want.
I love my brain, it's not completely wast of space, but need a bit tinkering.
I love my laptop, it has awesome battery and enough power for Netflix and Wesnoth.
I love my family, because I don't say it enough.
I love my open mind, I can't think how hard it would be to hate something just because you don't understand it.
I love doing crafts, no it's not the same as art... well.. maybe a bit.
I love to learn new things, learning is good.
I love my adhd, it gives me ideas and energy.
I love my Bipolar Disorder... well... without it I would still think I'm just evil.
I even love fibro, it has raise my pain threshold.
I love Finland, yet not so much the government. 
I love our home, baking oven the most. 
I love Discworld, I've learned more from there than school.
I love myself, but I need to learn to love little bit more. 
I love that I just get more clay for free from a person.
I love the Google map, even that it did lead to to wrong address today, but usually it works.  
I love to talk about my difficulties to people who might benefit from my struggles. 
I love to be experience speaker, yeh, it's the same as last one.
I love ... oh I forgot that one.
I love that I have bit twisted brain, it keeps things fresh. 
I love my dyslexia it keeps making me laugh.
I love that I can still love. 
I love Lord of the rings, it opened my eyes to fantasy when I was just a kid.
I love star trek, it gives me hope
I love Star Wars, it makes me wonder
I love Star Gate because RDA and all the weird worms in all the planets.
I love Farscape... who would not and Ben
I love Firefly... oh do I love that show
I love Doctor Who and every reincarnation of IT. 
I love how long this list is already, and I seem to find still more things I love.
I love that I feel sad, that I'm to tired to write more of those.
I love that I can make another "Things I love" list.

I fucked up again.

I know it's the stress that make's me have this lapse, but still it hurt me. It hurt me to see the look in my family's eyes, it hurt to hear the words and all the time I can only say and think. " I know!"

I say stupid, hurting words. I don't mean to, I don't even realize those might be wrong words, not before I've said them and then there's that look. Something in me don't let me even apologize right a way, no I need some time to beat my self up first, then I can apologize and even explain.

I'm such a mess right now, even that my medication does take the worst edge off from both ends, but it doesn't help with adhd, and I'm not sure do I want to start different medication for that, last one didn't help much. Maybe later, when I've gotten this fucked up bipolar disorder back in my control... well hopefully even bit more.

But this is hell at the moment. I don't know really who am I. I am uncertain about everything, even how to make a fucking food. I can't make up my mind in little things or big things. I've lost my self somewhere in this hell that started over year ago when something triggered something in me, and everything went to shit. I can be calm on the outside.. well kind of.. but inside me there's a war going... or maybe it's more like earthquake and global warming mixed with alien tsunami.

I try to hide my uncertainty all my mess inside, I feel ashamed of it, so I act like I'm the superman or something. I try to hide the feeling of being nothing so hard. I'm quite sure that this actually just make things worse, both to people around me and me. But I don't know how to stop... yet. I will find it. I will.


I need to cry, but cry don't come. I need to sleep, but sleep don't come.

Yet.

I know I'm getting better, the medicine is working enough for me to be hopeful again, but I need help to get my self back in shape, and currently the professionals haven't been able to help me much, because, I'm in line to get more examinations to know what is wrong with me and maybe then they can help me get better.

But what I feel is.. that I'm lost. Lost in me.

I try to unload myself on.. well.. here. I write novel/s. I paint, drawn and hopefully get to make ceramics again too. I study Spanish, just because. I dream to at least try to get in university. But.. most of all I dream to find my self again, to be able to be great father and great husband.

I love you wife.
I love you offspring.

Thank you and Sorry.

Never give up, Never Surrender. 

Medication

Medical stuff... I wasn't about to write about this. I'm no doctor. But people keep asking. 

I don't say names of the drugs because every human is different and something that didn't work for me might be perfect for others.

I don't say don't take medicine or take it, it's up to you and your doctor and family.

I say. Go out, do some exercise, eat healthy.. It won't hurt.. Probably.

I've been under surveillance of doctors a decade now… Or so I thought. After all this was not true. I had one medication. It didn't work to much and was bad for my brain but I didn't notice anything because I was under influence of the drug. Before that there was one drug that destroyed my artistic side and that was to much.

Some doctor updated my recipe time to time, no phone calls, no blood work… No Nothing . Then I went to get help to my pain and.. That started the landslide.

First they told me I have fibromyalgia, wrote me some weird tablets to it and those ruined the rest of my Bipolar medication.

After month I drop the fibro tablets but it was too late. Still it took half a year for me to see something was wrong, and it was mostly help from others that I really saw it.

So I seek help. First dr told she has no knowledge enough of my hard situation and wrote me sick leave and send to higher powers.

The higher powers started the desperate search for working medication for first Bipolar and someday when that's covered then fibro. Thankfully my adhd medication hasn't stop working.

First drug. Help my head yeah so +
But caused= dizziness, internal shaking, headache, constant bad feeling in stomach, eye problems, couldn't concentrate. Tiredness, So lot's of - - -

2 drug. Nothing good. Everything worse.

3 drug. Still under this one currently.
Helps head +
But. dizziness, eye problems, couldn't concentrate. Tiredness, hard to sleep, anxiety(hard one), heart drums like Ulrich playing high, hell of lot energy, anxiety even more, and still can't concentrate to do something, hard to think or drive a car. extra Drooling, face bit numb (good compo).

Now I must count again is it worth it.

But I know there's medication where has more + than -... Just need to find it. Hopefully soon.

I don't even hope or believe to live without medication. I need it for me to be comfortably in me and to be less of assholes to my loved ones. I need em to be even tiny bit part of society, visit relatives go to mall.. So… I hate to take chemicals but I need em.. Like really need.

Fibromyalgia

If you are not familiar with this damned thing, here's link to one of the many more official places to gain more knowledge.

To me this is a new fellow-traveller and I wasn't planning to do any writing about him yet, but then lately one evening he jump out of the closet suddenly and was like “did you miss me? “

I was actually driving a car then, felt fine and second later felt like burning rod was pushed through my right shoulder.

As said this is new to me, I haven't even have named the symptoms yet much, except the cottoncandyhead. And that's not originally my idea but something wife used to call when her head felt funny, it just seems fitting to this fibro slow… ThThinkin… Brains… It was either cottoncandy or oatmeal head… hmm yes, I do like to eat.

To me the worst is how it effects on my head. Pain is nasty and so is being tired but.. Pain is old friend to me, since I broke my knee and later my inter-vertebral disc, so only new here was the, how suddenly and random fibropain is.

But even that I've lived with ADHD whole life and struggled with bipolar disorder most of my adulthood.. This is new. See adhd makes my brain reeeally fast, world happens bit like slow motion sometimes. Bipolar makes me think I'm God and second later I'm worthless to be living (bit exaggerated), makes me act like there's different persons inside me even that it's just me changing mind and behavior really fast and many times a day.

But Fibromyalgia seems to slow me down, make me forget things, get me lost in my thoughts, like I really would be paddling trough oatmeal. I have difficulties to make decisions, I'm unsure about everything and I forget a lot, even if I've written it down.

Someday s are so bad that suddenly I just have to walk to another room, away my loving family because I feel so worthless. My brain does not comply my body is in pain and others have to step in to cover me. How can I not cry in these situations. When I see how big of a burden I have become.

I'm tired all the time, I can't sleep without some pills yet even that dream doesn't really refresh me, but I must try to keep up smile and be productive at work and understand what school means.

And most of time I just want to cry, because this is not me. 

I don't have any medication for this, yet. Story behind that goes like this.

I have adhd and bipolar disorder too, as said earlier. When I was diagnosed with fibro, I was given some drugs too, but beside that it did ease a bit of my sudden pains is also secretly mess up my head, and my bipolar medication. I dropped the fibro pills after month or two, because I could see it just made my situation worse, but what I didn't see, is that my bipolar medication didn't survive. I kept eating it, but it didn't work. Now, I believe it haven't ever worked too well, but enough for me to survive, but now, I started to slip back to my egomaniac arsehat personality that I really really hated, and when you added the random Fibro-Zombie there... weeelll.. it wasn't pretty. Basically I was zombie who thought he can do everything and is the king of the hill. 

So now, new doctor. trying to fix me. fist Bipolar, and when that's under control, we dive in to Fibromyalgia again.

Relationship

Relationship

Oh I don't say I'm right. I just say how I currently feel and think.

For longest of time I've taken my partner for granted. Because of my illnesses our relationship has changed and currently even we don't know where we stand.

I love her and she love me, there's no doubt in that. But everything else is quite hard to explain at the moment.

I live in place where I have accepted that someday she might want or need to leave. I feel she has all the right to do so, but I  don't prepare for that. What I do, but my difficulties side, try to make her feel better with me.

I understand now that I can't make her happy, that's her “job” but I can try to be better. She's not only my wife, she's also my best friend and the one I trust. She's been with me through hell and I owe her more than I can ever repay.

So. I love her and we have decided that we define our relationship as we feel right for us.

I don't feel it's right that, she has to pour me tea because I can't, even that I hardly ever am in that bad shape.
I know she doesn't deserve the megalomaniac I am when my bipolar medication doesn't work. Or zombie when fibro cloud my thoughts.

After all, I think, I could be wrong, my adhd is the least of my difficulties to burden her.

I feel the marriage should be in balanced, work together, equal and loving in friendship and erotic way. Most of time I haven't been that, first because I thought it was then later because I was so bad shape that I couldn't. Now I'm place that I can and will be more for her.

It must be hard to live with someone like me. Person who is far from stable and trustworthy but not by choice. I can only imagine how it feels to be in relationship with such a burden. If I would do all this crap, because I wanted, I believe I would be alone. So.. I'm really not sure who in this family is most tired right now when my medication, therapy and all is on hold, except the medication.. I'm sure we both are horrified yet hopeful that my medication situation get fixed soon so I can be more me again.

I love my wife but I also know I'm a burden to her. Sometimes I think I should just leave, so she could have easier life.

What about that another one?

What about the other?

This is something I’ve been thinking a lot, and it’s hard subject because I’m one the the “special” people.
I have little bit of this and little bit of that.
Thing that bothers me so much is … well, to me it seems that professionals, families, friends and people who just walk by forget the parent, spouse, sibling or child. Forget is quite strong word for here, but i feel it fits in the purpose so I will use it.

I’ve read lot’s of different guides for, adhd families, bipolar… fibromyalgia .. Even those that has been written to the parents or spouses of special person and every time I saw the same thing, thing that puzzle me so much. I have talked a lot with doctors, special doctors, nurses, social workers… damn.. even with a priest. I’ve read through internets wonderfully unreliable world and always it comes to same thing.

Every time it’s the same “You must understand your children.. you have to see that your children doesn’t do it on purpose, mean it… Your spouse, father mother, uncle… he doesnt mean it, understand, “

Sure… it’s true… but that’s like.. only the half of the story. All is true but to me it feels a lot like saying.. “You can’t be angry, sad, frustrated.” the guides forget to but in words the other side of the story.
Someone need to say the important another side. Why hardly ever I see words “It’s ok! You will be hurt, you will be angry and sad, you can be angry and sad, you can laugh as much you want.. “
That your loved one “doesn’t meen to do …” does not mean it can’t hurt you, your feelings. Parents , siblings, spouses need to hear it, they need to know it’s not forbidden to be angry and still love your special person. There need to be someone who say these things. Who say “ it’s ok to be angry!” or sad or happy even if it’s not … right moment.
It should be said somewhere , that it’s ok. it’s hard to hate your child, just for a moment when nothing is fine with your special child. It’s hard to think divorce… if all you hear is “ you must understand it, you must love no matter what… they don’t meant it…” Who are these judgemental guide writers who think that Families of Special people can’t have the feelings of them self.

I’ve seen this in so many levels.. I’m special person, I’m father of special child. I have different kind of special people around me in family and friends..
I’ve hide behind “you must understand me, it’s because of my sickness”

It’s true that when living with Special person, you might need to count to ten or hundred.. You must swallow your tears, have moments of anger that scare you and yet still you have to understand. But it’s also true, that you are human, and you have feelings, and you have right for those feelings. You have right to be sad, angry, happy. It’s important for you to have someone who listens and doesnt judge. We all have em, feelings… other’s show them others doesn’t.

I can see how hard it is to my wife. I'm not the man she fell in love. I'm, at my worst, some super energetic, megalomaniac zombie how keep say “ouch” and try to hide the cry. Even when I'm not that bad, something ruines the day.
She can't trust me to handle bills because I might forget it or pay em twice. She can't trust me to remember stuff. She can't trust I read correctly the shopping list. Or that I buy son a buss card. There's weeks that I can't even vacuum or cut carrots.
Goddamned of course she's angry, sad, annoyed and who knows what else. I understand that and I can handle it, she has the right to show how she feels just like every other human.
So basically… here is the thing. I, as quite special case, can't show my appreciation enough, can

So… I don't know.. I just wanted to write this.

Where am I

It's really hard to be, again, in situation where I can't trust my mind at all.

Since I fought and learned the shit that adhd and bipolar did to me, got good medication, found the true me… Life has been better… Not so interesting or colorful but not boring either. But I've been in control… Of me… and haven't had feeling of.. To need to control everything.

Now… When fibro moved in to house, things started to go bad. When I look back, I wish I would just taken the pain, but nooooo I was “ok let's try if that helps”. The medication did help for the pain but also crashed my bipolar balance and I was horrible.

So.. I dropped the fibro medicine.. Thought I was getting better.. But I wasn't.. Slowly I was loosing my mind losing my control, forgetting stuff alot and often, started to stutter more… lost words, strength.. Sleep.

It took half a year for me to start to see what was happening. I asked help. First doctor told me, she can't handle the situation so she moved me to specialist.. I waited time for that over month and slipped worse.. Now.. New doctor was like. “holy fuck.” wrote long sick leave and start to fix medication for bipolar because that is the most acute situation. Ones again professional is wondering how in earth can I keep my self even this well in shape.

How it feels? How you think. Do I enjoy to let my loved ones down because I forget something important that I promised just 5min ago?
Do I like to notice I did exactly the thing I was not supposed to do because things got mixed in my head?

Do I enjoy that I hurt someone's feelings by doing same shit again that I haven't done in half decade?

Is it funny to mix up words together, forget how to do simple things, ask others to read my blog posts for me because I can't make any sense on em by myself?

Do I like to feel anxious all the time because someone said something, i read news, saw kitten, didn't like my mirrorimage, noticed the fat, don't feel loved, love tomuch, rain, sunshine…

And

That's only maybe half of the difficulties in my head at the moment.

I just want to… Get there where I was before. Before this. Be in control of my mind, have good life, job or no job.. If job push me off the edge. Then maybe I can give up.. But until I get my head back.. I can't say. I can't decide. I can't deal with it.

First medication try started well, my brains started to work again but.. Now after month and bigger dose only brains work. It cause tremors in me, headache, difficulties to see, dizziness and felt nauseous all the time. But it help still me to think. So doctor told me to take just minimum dose to keep head working and we started new medication again.

We shall see where this goes.
Sick leave continue.

Quite often i feel I'm no good..

I can't do anything right.

Or really often I feel like it  that at least. I have really hard time to see my success, even if there is more of them. If there is even one failure, that's what I see.

Usually the thing now a day is, when I let someone important to me, down.
If I forget a promise, accidentally do or say something hurtful, that will bring me down for whole day or week. I have so few people around me, who to trust and love that I live in constant fear of losing them, because of my head, because I do or say something I don't even really mean and the donkeys back is broken.

I really don't trust people, there's really few I let myself even like or speaking of loving em, and because most of my adulthood I've not noticed or cared about anything but control , I've already lost people I, now looking back, would liked to keep close.

I known I can't be more or other than I am, but I can hope and try to be better, try to not lose the people who matter most.

It's horrible feeling, to not understand or see when you broke promises or step out of line or just lose control and be arsehat.

I know I should not be so hard on myself, doctors and therapist and people around me keeps telling me so… But after being harsehat a couple decades… It's hard to not be. There's so much regret in my life, so much shit I've done and what have been done to me.

I've also cut people out from my life because I've learned I've been only used, or that they've been bringing the worst out of me or because they been complete dicks.

I live in world of few people in real life, but thankfully I've found new family from the online world, all around the globe.

The final straw that pushed me over the edge

And this is why I am keeping a blog now.

I hate my brains quite often. But rescently specially. I have bipolar disorder, mostly manic, and it makes me think I know it all. Naturally that's not the case, usually far from it. It has been better since I had good medication to help me think a bit more before I yell to world that I'm right. I had good medication. Had.

See the thing is that I have also fibromyalgie. Because constant tiresome pain can be quite annoying or even horrible to live with, I asked doctor is there anything to help with it. Because I live in Finland all natural pain relief and other products that people around the world have got help, are banned but I can get drunk every day and government is willing to support me on that… Back to doctor. Doctor read my papers in and ask my about my other illnesses and then wrote me some triptyl.

First at all.. I got slow.. Zombie mode slow.. So we half the dose. Then, of course I didn't realize it then but afterwards, my bipolar started to kick in. I behave erratic, megalomaniac, jealous, crybaby, aggressive, depressed, overly happy and about everything else that usually don't happen to me in even same year. Almost too late I understood that I was losing myself. Too late because I was behaving really bad towards to my wife.

So I called doctor, who didn't believe me, that I cut that shit out… Even that it did help for the pain.

Months goes by, first I felt I get better, then suddenly I didn't. Half a year later I'm at sick leave, waiting for super hyper psychiatrist time. Had to take time off from job and school to keep my head at bay at home. Month ago, I realized that my bipolar medication didn't work anymore, or I hope that is the case, and I am using huge amounts of brain energy to fight off my politicians… demons I ment.

Last months have been like this. I hardly remember anything, short time memory stuff. I sleep but wake up as tired as I was when I went to sleep. I'm slow, stupid and I forget words all the time. And because I'm tired, I lose my concentration to keep my head in balance and I start to slip to bipolar side. And I hate it.

I hate to feel dumb, I hate to fight my brains, I hate to be tired, zombie, egomaniac. I just want back to there where I was in control of me.

Most of my adult life, I've felt either godlylike or completely worthless.

I wasn't pretty boy as young (never really understood the drooling for good looking humans, to me that seems quite, lack of intelligence, sorry) , my only merit was my fast mind and tongue. Because I've never felt like an… Good looking guy, I've been at least smart, funny and even charismatic (or so I've been told) but lately I've lost it all.

So it's been. Hellish. My self image has always been quite poor, but actually since the beard, gotten bit better :). But because my head is still complete mess, and I've never been able to get strength from good look…I wish I could go back to work, but I'm in apprenticeship deal for, youth worker and I'm not sure can I do that even if I get my head better.

Let's make one thing clear

Let's make one thing clear.

The point of this blog is to open life of adhd, bipolar, fibro man. But it is also my blog. Couple first writings I asked others to read through and do some spell checking. Then… sorry for you, I realised that my dyslexia is huge part of my life and if others fix my trace… You kind of miss part of the authentic Adventures of faulty man experience.

So, I will do all by myself. Write as bad English as I write Finnish. And believe me, my writing is much more easier to digest, than me speaking.

I have hard time to stay in subject, I write these blogs in long run so same text might be written in 32 different head. I do read em trough again and again before posting, but no longer I ask anyone to do foolproof.. Spell checking.

If you want to make this even more real, then check this adhd simulator

Anyhow.

I'm sure this blog will seem quite dark at the moment. I'm in bad place and starter to write this to stay sane, or as much sane I can, so I won't whine all the time. I didn't realize that by asking others to spell check, would mean they would have to read it too.

But I'm getting help already, got new doctor who really had dig in to my situation, offered me different ways to step forward and promised not to vanish as they usually do. So let's hope that in time, I start to see more positively world around me. And even more, that I get my brains back to my control.

That been said, thank you for reading, I would like to get comments, that does my ranting give any emotions or ideas and if there's things you would like to ask.

Just remember, that I'm me, not your wife or child. Even that we might have same diagnose, it's not the same. Everyone is different even in illnesses.

And please, don't ask about medication, I'm not a doctor, I've found working medication is critical to me to be able to live in human society, right now I'm not sure will that help me to do my job, but I would be happy to just be able to not be a pain in the ass of my loved ones.