I love that I have people who I love,
I love that I have people who love me.
I love the pink shoelaces I have, watching them makes me always smile.
I love my offspring
I love my offspring's wonderful humor, wit and good heart.
I love my wife, I have learn a lot from her.
I love my wife even more, she hasn't let me push her a way.
I love my wife, because I love.
I love my wife's wit, her humor and strong and pig heart.
I love the smile on their faces, their laugh and words.
I love that they are here, near to me.
I love to see them happy,
I love to see them excited.
I love the scent of my wife.
I love the noise that our offspring makes, even the farts.
I love books, even that I can't read well.
I love to listen audiobooks, because I can't read well anymore.
I love my sister, even that shes quite bonkers.
I love my sisters kids, they are smart and noisy and asking a lot of good questions.
I love my brother, hes weird and smart and taller than me, yet he don't get fat and that I don't like.
I love to draw, paint and sculpt, I love to tell the stories inside me.
I love all the childrens of my siblings, they make me happy, yet I get tired fast, but still I'm happy with them.
I love my mother, I have learn a lot from her.
I love my father, and I miss him.
I love my mother's new man, he is important and sweet.
I love the nature, It keeps me .. well us all, going.
I love movies, they help me.
I love my few friends, the talks and silences.
I love my family
I love dogs. Every dog. Dogs are wonderful and always make me smile.
I love A'tuin and Morla, our turtles, they make me smile everyday just because they are silly.
I love to write, another way to tell my stories, even that I'm not so good at it.
I love to be alone, but not for long.
I love cows, they know how to live.
I love the sheep, they are like tiny cows.
I love my twisted humor, my ability to find fun from everything if I want.
I love my brain, it's not completely wast of space, but need a bit tinkering.
I love my laptop, it has awesome battery and enough power for Netflix and Wesnoth.
I love my family, because I don't say it enough.
I love my open mind, I can't think how hard it would be to hate something just because you don't understand it.
I love doing crafts, no it's not the same as art... well.. maybe a bit.
I love to learn new things, learning is good.
I love my adhd, it gives me ideas and energy.
I love my Bipolar Disorder... well... without it I would still think I'm just evil.
I even love fibro, it has raise my pain threshold.
I love Finland, yet not so much the government.
I love our home, baking oven the most.
I love Discworld, I've learned more from there than school.
I love myself, but I need to learn to love little bit more.
I love that I just get more clay for free from a person.
I love the Google map, even that it did lead to to wrong address today, but usually it works.
I love to talk about my difficulties to people who might benefit from my struggles.
I love to be experience speaker, yeh, it's the same as last one.
I love ... oh I forgot that one.
I love that I have bit twisted brain, it keeps things fresh.
I love my dyslexia it keeps making me laugh.
I love that I can still love.
I love Lord of the rings, it opened my eyes to fantasy when I was just a kid.
I love star trek, it gives me hope
I love Star Wars, it makes me wonder
I love Star Gate because RDA and all the weird worms in all the planets.
I love Farscape... who would not and Ben
I love Firefly... oh do I love that show
I love Doctor Who and every reincarnation of IT.
I love how long this list is already, and I seem to find still more things I love.
I love that I feel sad, that I'm to tired to write more of those.
I love that I can make another "Things I love" list.
Showing posts with label art. Show all posts
Showing posts with label art. Show all posts
Friday, 29 March 2019
Saturday, 9 March 2019
I fucked up again.
I know it's the stress that make's me have this lapse, but still it hurt me. It hurt me to see the look in my family's eyes, it hurt to hear the words and all the time I can only say and think. " I know!"
I say stupid, hurting words. I don't mean to, I don't even realize those might be wrong words, not before I've said them and then there's that look. Something in me don't let me even apologize right a way, no I need some time to beat my self up first, then I can apologize and even explain.
I'm such a mess right now, even that my medication does take the worst edge off from both ends, but it doesn't help with adhd, and I'm not sure do I want to start different medication for that, last one didn't help much. Maybe later, when I've gotten this fucked up bipolar disorder back in my control... well hopefully even bit more.
But this is hell at the moment. I don't know really who am I. I am uncertain about everything, even how to make a fucking food. I can't make up my mind in little things or big things. I've lost my self somewhere in this hell that started over year ago when something triggered something in me, and everything went to shit. I can be calm on the outside.. well kind of.. but inside me there's a war going... or maybe it's more like earthquake and global warming mixed with alien tsunami.
I try to hide my uncertainty all my mess inside, I feel ashamed of it, so I act like I'm the superman or something. I try to hide the feeling of being nothing so hard. I'm quite sure that this actually just make things worse, both to people around me and me. But I don't know how to stop... yet. I will find it. I will.
I need to cry, but cry don't come. I need to sleep, but sleep don't come.
Yet.
I know I'm getting better, the medicine is working enough for me to be hopeful again, but I need help to get my self back in shape, and currently the professionals haven't been able to help me much, because, I'm in line to get more examinations to know what is wrong with me and maybe then they can help me get better.
But what I feel is.. that I'm lost. Lost in me.
I try to unload myself on.. well.. here. I write novel/s. I paint, drawn and hopefully get to make ceramics again too. I study Spanish, just because. I dream to at least try to get in university. But.. most of all I dream to find my self again, to be able to be great father and great husband.
I love you wife.
I love you offspring.
Thank you and Sorry.
Never give up, Never Surrender.
I say stupid, hurting words. I don't mean to, I don't even realize those might be wrong words, not before I've said them and then there's that look. Something in me don't let me even apologize right a way, no I need some time to beat my self up first, then I can apologize and even explain.
I'm such a mess right now, even that my medication does take the worst edge off from both ends, but it doesn't help with adhd, and I'm not sure do I want to start different medication for that, last one didn't help much. Maybe later, when I've gotten this fucked up bipolar disorder back in my control... well hopefully even bit more.
But this is hell at the moment. I don't know really who am I. I am uncertain about everything, even how to make a fucking food. I can't make up my mind in little things or big things. I've lost my self somewhere in this hell that started over year ago when something triggered something in me, and everything went to shit. I can be calm on the outside.. well kind of.. but inside me there's a war going... or maybe it's more like earthquake and global warming mixed with alien tsunami.
I try to hide my uncertainty all my mess inside, I feel ashamed of it, so I act like I'm the superman or something. I try to hide the feeling of being nothing so hard. I'm quite sure that this actually just make things worse, both to people around me and me. But I don't know how to stop... yet. I will find it. I will.
I need to cry, but cry don't come. I need to sleep, but sleep don't come.
Yet.
I know I'm getting better, the medicine is working enough for me to be hopeful again, but I need help to get my self back in shape, and currently the professionals haven't been able to help me much, because, I'm in line to get more examinations to know what is wrong with me and maybe then they can help me get better.
But what I feel is.. that I'm lost. Lost in me.
I try to unload myself on.. well.. here. I write novel/s. I paint, drawn and hopefully get to make ceramics again too. I study Spanish, just because. I dream to at least try to get in university. But.. most of all I dream to find my self again, to be able to be great father and great husband.
I love you wife.
I love you offspring.
Thank you and Sorry.
Never give up, Never Surrender.
Sunday, 20 January 2019
Can't art much
I don't know, is it the constant hopelessness or the new medicine, or something unrelated... but lately I have had no interest to do art.
Or.. no, wrong, I do have interest, but... lack the will. I know it's has quite a lot to do with my pain, It's hard to hold pen or brush when only couple of fingers work, and rest cause pain every time you move em. But I'm hopeful the Doctors can do something about it, at least they had some ideas what might be causing it, and next month I have some ... enmg thingie.. It involves electricity, that's about it, what I know about it.
The hardest part in this is, that usually it has been art, that keeps me sane, I've been able to stuck all my pain, darkness, sadness and joy in my art, so now I've been forced to find other ways. For that there should be therapy, but because Psychiatrist are bit puzzled what is making my mental state so ... unstable, and if this latest drug doesn't help... well it's hard to start therapy when no one knows for what and how.
I do have couple mixedmedia ... let's call em paintings, under work, I work with only one at the time now, mostly because it's so slow, but also because I try to teach myself to concentrate on one thing at the time. Before I worked like,, ten or more art pieces at the same time.
I've noticed also, that my art has changed a bit since the pain and burnout. I use to make semi realistic art, animals with humorous twist and pencil drawings. Now Most of time I make ink-dropart. That means that I just drop ink on paper, let it try and then I stare it so long that I see what it want to show me, and take different tools to get it out.
My art is not a big seller, but I have... customers around the globe, so I think one could say I'm successful, because I've managed to cause emotions in humans, by my art and even that I would love to make a living by art... that is actually why I ever even let others to see my art.
I'm so much hoping to get on the winning side of this pain and mess in my head, because I feel I have still so much stories inside me to share, they are just... stuck at the moment.
Stuck in me, because I can't find a way for em to get out. Writing these's blogs does help a bit, even that this too does hurt my fingers.
EDIT.. days later when I started to write this post.
I have actually painted, one day this far, but whole day is way more than the usual 5-10min now and there.
Even that it was just one day, it mean a lot to me, I have hope that someday my art will get free again.
Or.. no, wrong, I do have interest, but... lack the will. I know it's has quite a lot to do with my pain, It's hard to hold pen or brush when only couple of fingers work, and rest cause pain every time you move em. But I'm hopeful the Doctors can do something about it, at least they had some ideas what might be causing it, and next month I have some ... enmg thingie.. It involves electricity, that's about it, what I know about it.
The hardest part in this is, that usually it has been art, that keeps me sane, I've been able to stuck all my pain, darkness, sadness and joy in my art, so now I've been forced to find other ways. For that there should be therapy, but because Psychiatrist are bit puzzled what is making my mental state so ... unstable, and if this latest drug doesn't help... well it's hard to start therapy when no one knows for what and how.
I do have couple mixedmedia ... let's call em paintings, under work, I work with only one at the time now, mostly because it's so slow, but also because I try to teach myself to concentrate on one thing at the time. Before I worked like,, ten or more art pieces at the same time.
I've noticed also, that my art has changed a bit since the pain and burnout. I use to make semi realistic art, animals with humorous twist and pencil drawings. Now Most of time I make ink-dropart. That means that I just drop ink on paper, let it try and then I stare it so long that I see what it want to show me, and take different tools to get it out.
My art is not a big seller, but I have... customers around the globe, so I think one could say I'm successful, because I've managed to cause emotions in humans, by my art and even that I would love to make a living by art... that is actually why I ever even let others to see my art.
I'm so much hoping to get on the winning side of this pain and mess in my head, because I feel I have still so much stories inside me to share, they are just... stuck at the moment.
Stuck in me, because I can't find a way for em to get out. Writing these's blogs does help a bit, even that this too does hurt my fingers.
EDIT.. days later when I started to write this post.
I have actually painted, one day this far, but whole day is way more than the usual 5-10min now and there.
Even that it was just one day, it mean a lot to me, I have hope that someday my art will get free again.
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