Can't art much

I don't know, is it the constant hopelessness or the new medicine, or something unrelated... but lately I have had no interest to do art.

Or.. no, wrong, I do have interest, but... lack the will. I know it's has quite a lot to do with my pain, It's hard to hold pen or brush when only couple of fingers work, and rest cause pain every time you move em. But I'm hopeful the Doctors can do something about it, at least they had some ideas what might be causing it, and next month I have some ... enmg thingie.. It involves electricity, that's about it, what I know about it. 

The hardest part in this is, that usually it has been art, that keeps me sane, I've been able to stuck all my pain, darkness, sadness and joy in my art, so now I've been forced to find other ways. For that there should be therapy, but because Psychiatrist are bit puzzled what is making my mental state so ... unstable, and if this latest drug doesn't help... well it's hard to start therapy when no one knows for what and how.

I do have couple mixedmedia ... let's call em paintings, under work, I work with only one at the time now, mostly because it's so slow, but also because I try to teach myself to concentrate on one thing at the time. Before I worked like,, ten or more art pieces at the same time.

I've noticed also, that my art has changed a bit since the pain and burnout. I use to make semi realistic art, animals with humorous twist and pencil drawings. Now Most of time I make ink-dropart. That means that I just drop ink on paper, let it try and then I stare it so long that I see what it want to show me, and take different tools to get it out.

My art is not a big seller, but I have... customers around the globe, so I think one could say I'm successful, because I've managed to cause emotions in humans, by my art and even that I would love to make a living by art... that is actually why I ever even let others to see my art.

I'm so much hoping to get on the winning side of this pain and mess in my head, because I feel I have still so much stories inside me to share, they are just... stuck at the moment.

Stuck in me, because I can't find a way for em to get out. Writing these's blogs does help a bit, even that this too does hurt my fingers.

EDIT.. days later when I started to write this post.
I have actually painted, one day this far, but whole day is way more than the usual 5-10min now and there.

Even that it was just one day, it mean a lot to me, I have hope that someday my art will get free again.

There seems to be small misunderstanding

I've noticed that people around me seems to think I'm a pessimist, wishing for end of the world. Or at least end of Human civilization as it's now. That I hate humans! It's not completely true.

I'm not pessimist, I'm more like realist. I've been following what is happening around the globe, not only what humans are doing but also what is happening to the ground and weather (well part of that also is doings of humans). There's lot's of humans that I care deeply, it's just humans as specie that I despise. For reasons unclear to me, we as specie seem to be driven to destroy our self, hurt everything around us and be just complete assholes. It's interesting how even smart and kind humans, when gathered around with "other kinds " seem to lost em self and behave like sheep.

I use quite easy example. There's USA. Nation that has been quite modern, until reason only to know by them self's, they choose to be lead clown-idiot. Now, they keep follow that idiot-clown even that IT has shown again and again that he has no brains, no talent in business (funny fact, lot's of artist have made more successful business that that so called business man). At the moment that country is in situation where they are so shamed of who they let to be the leader, that they can't say how they regret it but just try to lie to em self's because they are so shamed to admit that they fall in that.

Seriously, why did YOU do it? Can't you read? Don't you follow new's, check facts..

Back to subject at hand... The worse thing in all this is, that there's generation who can be blamed (No, there has been always been good people in every generation, sadly in this generation the good people seem to be so small portion that they just could not do anything to the selfish assholes.)

I see how, I don't know how to call em.. the people who get birth from the parents who survived the great war.. those who got it easy, are destroying everything for the next generations. as said, not all of that generation is utter arsehats, but way too many. They got easy schooling, could just walk in and get a job, bought a house with money that today you can't get even decent car. And still, they keep shaming youngsters, who struggle because THEY, the generation before, made everything so hard.

But no. I'm not hoping for end of the world. I'm still hoping that humans, as specie wake up. stops the capitalism, the number one reason why everything is so complete shit. Stop killing the earth and our self.

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Why do people worship money so? That I cannot understand. We live in world, where it would be just easy to keep everyone fed and under roof, but instead because of Capitalism others have decided to focus their whole life only to make em rich and others poor. You know, that's how capitalism work? It's all about making rich richer and rest poorer.

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My therapist ones explained this to me.. I am extremely sensitive guy, her guess was that I've been really sensitive kid... but for reasons unknown at the moment, I felt the need to protect my self and build huge wall around me, and therefore I seem quite cold to outside.

And it is true, I do feel for others, I can see what others feel, but I don't want to. Because... I have enough of my own problems. SO.. being cold and bit ... bitch... I just  try to keep humans far.