High function depression

This is positive blog, because I feel that every time when I learn something about my illnesses, helps me understand it and therefore keep it under supervision.

As you know, I was in deep depression last summer... well... most of last year. There was lot's of reasons for that, and you can find out about those by reading my older posts. So I don't go there now. I was there, now I know how to fight it and my medication and kind-of-therapy help. So, after one long and deep depression I hope I can keep it at bay. I really hope so.

But that's what I was about to talk this time... well.. write.

I've been wondering lately, why I feel so sad, and why I say and think dark thoughts and why I'm tired all the time, even when I have enjoyed, like when our dear friend visited us, I was so tired after that, that I just had to take a nap.... well I did have headache also. Anyhow. My unconscious mind have been doing a lot of shit to me lately, but I didn't realize it earlier. So.. naturally I managed to make a lot of damage. But this doesn't feel the same as the depression of last year so I didn't understood what was happening and therefore... I fucked things up. So I started to wonder, just now, about High function depression, I had hear my offspring use a term.

I have let myself learn that there are so many different kind of depressions, of course because whole concept of depression was new to me until last year, I had no way to know what was happening now

"The signs and symptoms of high-functioning depression are similar to those caused by major depression but are less severe. They may include changes in eating and sleeping habits, low self-esteem, fatigue, hopelessness, and difficulty concentrating. Symptoms persist on most days, causing a nearly constant low mood that lasts for two years or more. Most people function almost normally but struggle internally. Treatment is possible for high-functioning depression through medications and therapy."

In my case, beside those, I seem to try to separate my self from people who I love. Even that I can work, function quite normally, even have happy moments, my brain keep on doing fucking tricks on me, making me think things that not really matter to me or do things that I don't want to do or say things.
I believe it's related to my self-confidence problems, the my depressed unconscious  mind try to make me... well.. as said, separate from people who I love and who give me strength to fight. I managed to start building my self-confidence in this... couple last months, and now, this sneaky bastard did ruin it silently and I didn't see it. But I do my best to keep it happening again.

I have to talk about this with my doctor, because this is so much harder to notice and understand. I mean, I act quite normal, I do art, I watch movies, do house chores, write, study Spanish. But all this time I'm sad, I have difficulties to sleep, I'm thinking things that make me sad or angry or hopeless but it all happens so sneaky that I don't really realize it at all. I would not have started to see this, I mean, I would not know what's wrong with me if there wasn't friends around the globe who talked with me and told me to check this out, and I remembered how my offspring had been talked it too, so.. I started to find information about it.. and Surprise surprise it fit quite well in my current situation. So.. if I survive the fallout of the crap I managed to cause... I hope and believe I can recognize the symptoms before I fuck things up again.

I said this is positive blog. And to me it is. Even that I managed to cause serious damage again, I now know how to prevent it happen ever again.
I learned a lot, about depression generally and high-function one.

I need to know what and why to do something about it.
The thing that have lately make things harder is that my mental health problems have suddenly change from what it use to be, and I'm still trying to learn to live with this... new.. situation.

I just hope that people around me, the important people around me can see my struggle to find me again.

oh shut up.. this is positive.

I'm learning. I'm finding tools to get better.