Letter to you

What have I learned about myself lately. 

I know I'm difficult.
I know depression does sometimes take control of me, and I do things that are mostly meant to cause me pain... sadly I cause pain to you too at the same time.

I use to be maniac so this depression game is new and confusing to me.

But. I'm also smart, everyone agree on that. I'm kind, not everyone agree on that, but most does. I take care of people around me. I protect them.. I protect them from me too, and that is something I try to stop doing, because I have to let you see the full me.

I'm funny, I've been told that more than once, I'm half mad funny, I see fun in things that others see sadness.

I'm not slick romantic guy. I don't know how or even want to dazzle you with my words. I tell things as I see them. I don't have ulterior motives.
If I say you are beautiful, I say it because you are that in my eyes.
If I say you are funny, it's because you make me laugh or at least smile (and believe me, that's not easy task).
If I say you are smart or brilliant, that's because I've had long and enlightening conversations with you, and you have made me see new things in things and situations that I thought to know already.
If I say fuck off. You've pissed me off. But I still might like you in generally.
If I say I will brake your legs. Then I don't like you at all.
Also If you get a feeling I'm laughing at you... I most likely am.

I don't enjoy be among people. But I do because... well. I don't know.. I don't want to be complete hermit, I just enjoy to be alone or with only few important people.

When I love you, I say, I love you. I hug you, kiss you, if you let me. I don't try to take that by force, nor with slimy words, not by acting something I'm not. If me don't work, then we wont kiss.

I love many things, there' s list here, in blog about all the things, that I have found this far, that I love.

I enjoy many things. I enjoy good books (well, audiobooks, since reading got hard), movies and television shows. I enjoy art and craft, specially clay. I'm really talented with my hands. In many ways. Even that they don't always work.  I enjoy nature, walking there, sleeping there, hunting, gathering eatable stuff.
I enjoy spending time with people I love.

I wish to have a dog someday again.

I hope to move real countryside someday.

I live in constant pain, sometimes it makes me sad and bit bitter, sometimes I'm overly happy because of it. Mind does funny tricks on me.

I don't drink. Alcohol is not a friend of mine, and I'm done walking on the line.

after all... I can't be anything but me.
and I hope you can accept that.

Have a good day.