It is hard.. but I do try

My new way of life.

I'm haunted by memories that I can't be sure are they true. I'm haunted about things that are not true, and I'm haunted by things I know but I don't want to know.

I'm depressed again been a long while now, just didn't realize it earlier, which suck, because IT fooled me again to do things, and it's hitting hard, yet some fuck up system in me wont let me show it, so I try to write this, my open journal to tell it, tell how bad I feel. But I'm bored to be victim of my own mind, even that my depressed mind let things that are good, evade me. Even the things that are most important to me fill me sadness. I keep on fighting, and only thing I've found to help me, is to concentrate on good memories.

But I try.

So, because the my depression I start to think all the crap from things years and years ago, things that I'm not sure are they true or products of my dark mind.

So I try to find memories that make me happy, memories that I'm pretty sure are true.

Memories that I hope are true but non the less they do bring me joy and are important and after years of darkness, I can remember them again.

I was drunk, as it was quite usual back then. I was teenager in new city without any real friends, studying in school that I thought was good for me, well I thought that before I had studied there a while. So, I was drunk and walking around the city. Alone.( later I found handful of humanoids that I quite enjoyed to stay around.) Trying to find someone to fight with, but it was middle of week so, city was quite silent.
I send couple text messages to people I knew, can't remember what.
Then my phone ring.
Sound wasn't familiar to me, but it was interesting. Female started to teas me. Can't remember the words, but she sounded wonderful and she knew who I was. Before that, I didn't believe anyone had really noticed me beside couple guys with whom I had done some projects. She talked to me, wanted to know me, had amazing wit and brain and she rocked my world in that phone call. I was in the city when she called. I sit in .. pavilion, speak with her, tell more about myself than I had ever told to anyone. TO someone I had no idea who she was.

First time in my life I felt someone was truly interested about me. Because I had obviously already then quite poor self-confidence I reasons unknown to me started to talk about someone else, but she told me, she wanted to hear about me, not that someone. At some point I started to walk to back home, but still I was on the phone, talking to that someone all the time. Hours. I can't, sadly, remember all what we talked in that call, I would love to remember, because I can remember that I fall in love then, without even knowing who she was. All I knew that she was in the same school with me, we had some common  acquaintance whom she had got my number.
I walked .. I think something like 6km to home, and still we were on the phone, talking about everything. She had amazing mind, glorious humor and so talented user of sarcasm. She did give me hint's who she might be, but to be honest, I had no idea. I walked in school quite blind, because there was so many arselings and I didn't want to have anything to do with them, so obviously I did miss alot of those, who might not be arselings.

So.. I was at home, we finally ended the call... and I had still no idea who she was. I couldn't sleep that night. I was sober again.. and I was haunted who she was.

Next day was school day, as I said, I was drunk middle of week. I walked in classroom and somehow, I knew. One most beautiful smile I had ever seen from the face I had never noticed before... then there's a long dark period. I don't remember did we talk then or not. All I can remember was that she send me a message, I think... might have been call too.. Asked would I skip school with her. and I jumped on table, walked out of classroom. Teacher just stand there and looked confused.

We had great day, she, me and our common friend, we walked around the city, talked. At some point she started to tease me, stole my scarf and tiny things like that.

I will never forget.

I know, I've told this story differently before, mostly about what made me see her and how I reacted.. I don't know why.. somehow some toxic masculinity didn't let me tell her, that it was her mind that made me fall for her right then and there. Don't get me wrong, she was beautiful. She is beautiful woman with amazing mind.

I love you.