Can't art much

I don't know, is it the constant hopelessness or the new medicine, or something unrelated... but lately I have had no interest to do art.

Or.. no, wrong, I do have interest, but... lack the will. I know it's has quite a lot to do with my pain, It's hard to hold pen or brush when only couple of fingers work, and rest cause pain every time you move em. But I'm hopeful the Doctors can do something about it, at least they had some ideas what might be causing it, and next month I have some ... enmg thingie.. It involves electricity, that's about it, what I know about it. 

The hardest part in this is, that usually it has been art, that keeps me sane, I've been able to stuck all my pain, darkness, sadness and joy in my art, so now I've been forced to find other ways. For that there should be therapy, but because Psychiatrist are bit puzzled what is making my mental state so ... unstable, and if this latest drug doesn't help... well it's hard to start therapy when no one knows for what and how.

I do have couple mixedmedia ... let's call em paintings, under work, I work with only one at the time now, mostly because it's so slow, but also because I try to teach myself to concentrate on one thing at the time. Before I worked like,, ten or more art pieces at the same time.

I've noticed also, that my art has changed a bit since the pain and burnout. I use to make semi realistic art, animals with humorous twist and pencil drawings. Now Most of time I make ink-dropart. That means that I just drop ink on paper, let it try and then I stare it so long that I see what it want to show me, and take different tools to get it out.

My art is not a big seller, but I have... customers around the globe, so I think one could say I'm successful, because I've managed to cause emotions in humans, by my art and even that I would love to make a living by art... that is actually why I ever even let others to see my art.

I'm so much hoping to get on the winning side of this pain and mess in my head, because I feel I have still so much stories inside me to share, they are just... stuck at the moment.

Stuck in me, because I can't find a way for em to get out. Writing these's blogs does help a bit, even that this too does hurt my fingers.

EDIT.. days later when I started to write this post.
I have actually painted, one day this far, but whole day is way more than the usual 5-10min now and there.

Even that it was just one day, it mean a lot to me, I have hope that someday my art will get free again.

I wonder, what this tell about me

year and half ago, my offspring get in the art high school and needed a computer. 
Because of the modern age studying in high schools in Finland is completely nuts, 
one can’t get through studies without laptop. 
To me that tells how sadly untalented teachers are and how school system is faulty. 
But that wasn't what I was about to write.

Since I gave my laptop to the offspring and tried to use tablet to my fill the daily internet dose, 
I’ve been... annoyed.

 Now I'm annoyed with blogger... it's messing with the text again, so... this will look wonky. 

Darn, Now I lost my thought completely. 

So... I must wonder, what this blog was supposed to be about. I have no memory, not so anything comes
to mind, that why I started to write this. 

Darn Blogger and your wonkyness. 

 So. tablet... I realized that I'm oldschool, I need real computer... so I did try to "play" with wifes laptop,
that she uses for office thingies and.. Sims 3. but NOnoNo... I can't stand the Windows.. It's worst OS.
and because wife needs the windows.. so I could not install any flavor of Linux on it. SO I dig out old
computer from garage... and tried to play with that... but.. that either didn't work on my favor. so..
I continued to try to handle my web-page, facebook, art stuff, blogs.. all with tablet.. It was truly horrible.

So... dear offspring, who knew our money situation is not to good because of my long sickness thingie
(haven't been at work since early spring), and offspring therefore decided first not to tell us that my old
laptop didn't quite work enough for all the courses in school. Because, that damn Windows kept install
more and more useless stuff that with windows 10, you can't even remove without more skilled coding 
than I'm capable. 

After the offspring had failed one course, we kind of found out the laptop situation... It did take a while, 
and I sure had to step far from my comfort zone to make it happen, I had to beg and use phone and do
research and talk to people and visit a church ones (it's weird for pagan like me)... but I managed to do 
it.. I managed to make it so, that offspring has now darn fine laptop. 

Ah.. Now I remember what I was about to write originally. It was about that, People think I'm quite selfish
and they are correct. I am most of time selfish but when it's about my family, I'm not so much.

Before this laptop incident. 

About year and half ago, I made a Mural and as a thank you I got awesome, the best of the best phone 
at the moment. Then... around the same time when I get the new laptop for offspring, we also
change phones. I have now... quite.. toy phone. Sure I miss my ex superphone.. but really.. offpsring 
does have way much more use and need for it. .. and it's not the first time that I've given my favorite 
"toys"
for offspring. 

Don't get me wrong.. I'm selfish prick. there's no doubt about that. If I don't concentrate much, I forget 
that there's people around me who might have more urgent needs than I have. It's quite common
with adhd/bipolar person, but I'm working on this... working hard. But sometimes the work ... does 
pay up. I'm not riches man, but I sure want to make sure our offspring has better tools for life than I had.

About my selfishness It's true.. it's not so long ago, when my wife use to get me books (because she 
knew I love em) and guess what I got her? Maybe tiny chocolate bar and ... tobacco. Because I 
didn't even bother to really find out what she wanted or needed. And boy if I didn't get anything I was 
annoyed. 
I might buy my self a computer, phone, game console.. what ever I felt I wanted or needed... and did 
I ever buy that sewing machine, or general purpose machine or anything that she needed? .. well.. no. 
So.. I'm working on it. I'm working hard to keep my self in ... short lease... I demand a lot from me. 

My therapist doesn't understand why I demand so much, I mean my current one, my regular therapist 
have started to see the point... I hope I get my regular one back soon. 

Anyhow... I have found my self done selfless acts lately, not much, but more than years and years before. 
Sure, mostly for offspring and more an more to wife, but sometimes even to "just" friends or even almost
strangers. 

I've lost my point of this story completely.. It's just.. rambling.. oh well.. it happens.