Can't art much

I don't know, is it the constant hopelessness or the new medicine, or something unrelated... but lately I have had no interest to do art.

Or.. no, wrong, I do have interest, but... lack the will. I know it's has quite a lot to do with my pain, It's hard to hold pen or brush when only couple of fingers work, and rest cause pain every time you move em. But I'm hopeful the Doctors can do something about it, at least they had some ideas what might be causing it, and next month I have some ... enmg thingie.. It involves electricity, that's about it, what I know about it. 

The hardest part in this is, that usually it has been art, that keeps me sane, I've been able to stuck all my pain, darkness, sadness and joy in my art, so now I've been forced to find other ways. For that there should be therapy, but because Psychiatrist are bit puzzled what is making my mental state so ... unstable, and if this latest drug doesn't help... well it's hard to start therapy when no one knows for what and how.

I do have couple mixedmedia ... let's call em paintings, under work, I work with only one at the time now, mostly because it's so slow, but also because I try to teach myself to concentrate on one thing at the time. Before I worked like,, ten or more art pieces at the same time.

I've noticed also, that my art has changed a bit since the pain and burnout. I use to make semi realistic art, animals with humorous twist and pencil drawings. Now Most of time I make ink-dropart. That means that I just drop ink on paper, let it try and then I stare it so long that I see what it want to show me, and take different tools to get it out.

My art is not a big seller, but I have... customers around the globe, so I think one could say I'm successful, because I've managed to cause emotions in humans, by my art and even that I would love to make a living by art... that is actually why I ever even let others to see my art.

I'm so much hoping to get on the winning side of this pain and mess in my head, because I feel I have still so much stories inside me to share, they are just... stuck at the moment.

Stuck in me, because I can't find a way for em to get out. Writing these's blogs does help a bit, even that this too does hurt my fingers.

EDIT.. days later when I started to write this post.
I have actually painted, one day this far, but whole day is way more than the usual 5-10min now and there.

Even that it was just one day, it mean a lot to me, I have hope that someday my art will get free again.