What about that another one?

What about the other?

This is something I’ve been thinking a lot, and it’s hard subject because I’m one the the “special” people.
I have little bit of this and little bit of that.
Thing that bothers me so much is … well, to me it seems that professionals, families, friends and people who just walk by forget the parent, spouse, sibling or child. Forget is quite strong word for here, but i feel it fits in the purpose so I will use it.

I’ve read lot’s of different guides for, adhd families, bipolar… fibromyalgia .. Even those that has been written to the parents or spouses of special person and every time I saw the same thing, thing that puzzle me so much. I have talked a lot with doctors, special doctors, nurses, social workers… damn.. even with a priest. I’ve read through internets wonderfully unreliable world and always it comes to same thing.

Every time it’s the same “You must understand your children.. you have to see that your children doesn’t do it on purpose, mean it… Your spouse, father mother, uncle… he doesnt mean it, understand, “

Sure… it’s true… but that’s like.. only the half of the story. All is true but to me it feels a lot like saying.. “You can’t be angry, sad, frustrated.” the guides forget to but in words the other side of the story.
Someone need to say the important another side. Why hardly ever I see words “It’s ok! You will be hurt, you will be angry and sad, you can be angry and sad, you can laugh as much you want.. “
That your loved one “doesn’t meen to do …” does not mean it can’t hurt you, your feelings. Parents , siblings, spouses need to hear it, they need to know it’s not forbidden to be angry and still love your special person. There need to be someone who say these things. Who say “ it’s ok to be angry!” or sad or happy even if it’s not … right moment.
It should be said somewhere , that it’s ok. it’s hard to hate your child, just for a moment when nothing is fine with your special child. It’s hard to think divorce… if all you hear is “ you must understand it, you must love no matter what… they don’t meant it…” Who are these judgemental guide writers who think that Families of Special people can’t have the feelings of them self.

I’ve seen this in so many levels.. I’m special person, I’m father of special child. I have different kind of special people around me in family and friends..
I’ve hide behind “you must understand me, it’s because of my sickness”

It’s true that when living with Special person, you might need to count to ten or hundred.. You must swallow your tears, have moments of anger that scare you and yet still you have to understand. But it’s also true, that you are human, and you have feelings, and you have right for those feelings. You have right to be sad, angry, happy. It’s important for you to have someone who listens and doesnt judge. We all have em, feelings… other’s show them others doesn’t.

I can see how hard it is to my wife. I'm not the man she fell in love. I'm, at my worst, some super energetic, megalomaniac zombie how keep say “ouch” and try to hide the cry. Even when I'm not that bad, something ruines the day.
She can't trust me to handle bills because I might forget it or pay em twice. She can't trust me to remember stuff. She can't trust I read correctly the shopping list. Or that I buy son a buss card. There's weeks that I can't even vacuum or cut carrots.
Goddamned of course she's angry, sad, annoyed and who knows what else. I understand that and I can handle it, she has the right to show how she feels just like every other human.
So basically… here is the thing. I, as quite special case, can't show my appreciation enough, can

So… I don't know.. I just wanted to write this.

Where am I

It's really hard to be, again, in situation where I can't trust my mind at all.

Since I fought and learned the shit that adhd and bipolar did to me, got good medication, found the true me… Life has been better… Not so interesting or colorful but not boring either. But I've been in control… Of me… and haven't had feeling of.. To need to control everything.

Now… When fibro moved in to house, things started to go bad. When I look back, I wish I would just taken the pain, but nooooo I was “ok let's try if that helps”. The medication did help for the pain but also crashed my bipolar balance and I was horrible.

So.. I dropped the fibro medicine.. Thought I was getting better.. But I wasn't.. Slowly I was loosing my mind losing my control, forgetting stuff alot and often, started to stutter more… lost words, strength.. Sleep.

It took half a year for me to start to see what was happening. I asked help. First doctor told me, she can't handle the situation so she moved me to specialist.. I waited time for that over month and slipped worse.. Now.. New doctor was like. “holy fuck.” wrote long sick leave and start to fix medication for bipolar because that is the most acute situation. Ones again professional is wondering how in earth can I keep my self even this well in shape.

How it feels? How you think. Do I enjoy to let my loved ones down because I forget something important that I promised just 5min ago?
Do I like to notice I did exactly the thing I was not supposed to do because things got mixed in my head?

Do I enjoy that I hurt someone's feelings by doing same shit again that I haven't done in half decade?

Is it funny to mix up words together, forget how to do simple things, ask others to read my blog posts for me because I can't make any sense on em by myself?

Do I like to feel anxious all the time because someone said something, i read news, saw kitten, didn't like my mirrorimage, noticed the fat, don't feel loved, love tomuch, rain, sunshine…

And

That's only maybe half of the difficulties in my head at the moment.

I just want to… Get there where I was before. Before this. Be in control of my mind, have good life, job or no job.. If job push me off the edge. Then maybe I can give up.. But until I get my head back.. I can't say. I can't decide. I can't deal with it.

First medication try started well, my brains started to work again but.. Now after month and bigger dose only brains work. It cause tremors in me, headache, difficulties to see, dizziness and felt nauseous all the time. But it help still me to think. So doctor told me to take just minimum dose to keep head working and we started new medication again.

We shall see where this goes.
Sick leave continue.

The final straw that pushed me over the edge

And this is why I am keeping a blog now.

I hate my brains quite often. But rescently specially. I have bipolar disorder, mostly manic, and it makes me think I know it all. Naturally that's not the case, usually far from it. It has been better since I had good medication to help me think a bit more before I yell to world that I'm right. I had good medication. Had.

See the thing is that I have also fibromyalgie. Because constant tiresome pain can be quite annoying or even horrible to live with, I asked doctor is there anything to help with it. Because I live in Finland all natural pain relief and other products that people around the world have got help, are banned but I can get drunk every day and government is willing to support me on that… Back to doctor. Doctor read my papers in and ask my about my other illnesses and then wrote me some triptyl.

First at all.. I got slow.. Zombie mode slow.. So we half the dose. Then, of course I didn't realize it then but afterwards, my bipolar started to kick in. I behave erratic, megalomaniac, jealous, crybaby, aggressive, depressed, overly happy and about everything else that usually don't happen to me in even same year. Almost too late I understood that I was losing myself. Too late because I was behaving really bad towards to my wife.

So I called doctor, who didn't believe me, that I cut that shit out… Even that it did help for the pain.

Months goes by, first I felt I get better, then suddenly I didn't. Half a year later I'm at sick leave, waiting for super hyper psychiatrist time. Had to take time off from job and school to keep my head at bay at home. Month ago, I realized that my bipolar medication didn't work anymore, or I hope that is the case, and I am using huge amounts of brain energy to fight off my politicians… demons I ment.

Last months have been like this. I hardly remember anything, short time memory stuff. I sleep but wake up as tired as I was when I went to sleep. I'm slow, stupid and I forget words all the time. And because I'm tired, I lose my concentration to keep my head in balance and I start to slip to bipolar side. And I hate it.

I hate to feel dumb, I hate to fight my brains, I hate to be tired, zombie, egomaniac. I just want back to there where I was in control of me.

Most of my adult life, I've felt either godlylike or completely worthless.

I wasn't pretty boy as young (never really understood the drooling for good looking humans, to me that seems quite, lack of intelligence, sorry) , my only merit was my fast mind and tongue. Because I've never felt like an… Good looking guy, I've been at least smart, funny and even charismatic (or so I've been told) but lately I've lost it all.

So it's been. Hellish. My self image has always been quite poor, but actually since the beard, gotten bit better :). But because my head is still complete mess, and I've never been able to get strength from good look…I wish I could go back to work, but I'm in apprenticeship deal for, youth worker and I'm not sure can I do that even if I get my head better.