Things I love

I love that I have people who I love,
I love that I have people who love me.
I love the pink shoelaces I have, watching them makes me always smile.
I love my offspring
I love my offspring's wonderful humor, wit and good heart. 
I love my wife, I have learn a lot from her.
I love my wife even more, she hasn't let me push her a way.
I love my wife, because I love.
I love my wife's wit, her humor and strong and pig heart.
I love the smile on their faces, their laugh and words.
I love that they are here, near to me.
I love to see them happy,
I love to see them excited.
I love the scent of my wife.
I love the noise that our offspring makes, even the farts.
I love books, even that I can't read well.
I love to listen audiobooks, because I can't read well anymore.
I love my sister, even that shes quite bonkers.
I love my sisters kids, they are smart and noisy and asking a lot of good questions.
I love my brother, hes weird and smart and taller than me, yet he don't get fat and that I don't like.
I love to draw, paint and sculpt, I love to tell the stories inside me.
I love all the childrens of my siblings, they make me happy, yet I get tired fast, but still I'm happy with them.
I love my mother, I have learn a lot from her.
I love my father, and I miss him.
I love my mother's new man, he is important and sweet.
I love the nature, It keeps me .. well us all, going.
I love movies, they help me.
I love my few friends, the talks and silences.
I love my family
I love dogs. Every dog. Dogs are wonderful and always make me smile.
I love A'tuin and Morla, our turtles, they make me smile everyday just because they are silly.
I love to write, another way to tell my stories, even that I'm not so good at it.
I love to be alone, but not for long.
I love cows, they know how to live.
I love the sheep, they are like tiny cows.
I love my twisted humor, my ability to find fun from everything if I want.
I love my brain, it's not completely wast of space, but need a bit tinkering.
I love my laptop, it has awesome battery and enough power for Netflix and Wesnoth.
I love my family, because I don't say it enough.
I love my open mind, I can't think how hard it would be to hate something just because you don't understand it.
I love doing crafts, no it's not the same as art... well.. maybe a bit.
I love to learn new things, learning is good.
I love my adhd, it gives me ideas and energy.
I love my Bipolar Disorder... well... without it I would still think I'm just evil.
I even love fibro, it has raise my pain threshold.
I love Finland, yet not so much the government. 
I love our home, baking oven the most. 
I love Discworld, I've learned more from there than school.
I love myself, but I need to learn to love little bit more. 
I love that I just get more clay for free from a person.
I love the Google map, even that it did lead to to wrong address today, but usually it works.  
I love to talk about my difficulties to people who might benefit from my struggles. 
I love to be experience speaker, yeh, it's the same as last one.
I love ... oh I forgot that one.
I love that I have bit twisted brain, it keeps things fresh. 
I love my dyslexia it keeps making me laugh.
I love that I can still love. 
I love Lord of the rings, it opened my eyes to fantasy when I was just a kid.
I love star trek, it gives me hope
I love Star Wars, it makes me wonder
I love Star Gate because RDA and all the weird worms in all the planets.
I love Farscape... who would not and Ben
I love Firefly... oh do I love that show
I love Doctor Who and every reincarnation of IT. 
I love how long this list is already, and I seem to find still more things I love.
I love that I feel sad, that I'm to tired to write more of those.
I love that I can make another "Things I love" list.

Cry

I've been actually up rise in home where crying was accepted even for boys. So I cannot say why crying is so hard for me, has been most of my adulthood.

Lately anyhow I've found myself in peculiar situation that I have urgent feeling to burst into cry. I've had it, nagging inside of me a long time now. It's almost everyday feeling. Couple of times I've drop couple tears but this far that's it. I feel it's coming but something is holding it.

It's really weird, as both because I have no idea why I need to cry,( except that my bipolar medication has failed and I have often pain because fibro, and I'm really tired all the time aaand I worry for others.) and because I don't seem to be able to do it.

I think there's huge mess inside of me, the medication don't work so I've started to do to more and more work to stay sane. I sleep poorly, worry I hurt my loved ones, stress more because tried to keep working too. I've driven myself to the edge again and right now I just wait and hope I get help in time.

I'm weekly having acupuncture to open some knots in me. I'm trying new medication to get my emotions back in balance.. So far not there, but feeling bit better. Just.. If I could either cry or find out why I feel like needing to cry.

I've never been much of a crying game, but know to done so more than ones, specially when needed, so even more now I'm annoyed.

....

What about that another one?

What about the other?

This is something I’ve been thinking a lot, and it’s hard subject because I’m one the the “special” people.
I have little bit of this and little bit of that.
Thing that bothers me so much is … well, to me it seems that professionals, families, friends and people who just walk by forget the parent, spouse, sibling or child. Forget is quite strong word for here, but i feel it fits in the purpose so I will use it.

I’ve read lot’s of different guides for, adhd families, bipolar… fibromyalgia .. Even those that has been written to the parents or spouses of special person and every time I saw the same thing, thing that puzzle me so much. I have talked a lot with doctors, special doctors, nurses, social workers… damn.. even with a priest. I’ve read through internets wonderfully unreliable world and always it comes to same thing.

Every time it’s the same “You must understand your children.. you have to see that your children doesn’t do it on purpose, mean it… Your spouse, father mother, uncle… he doesnt mean it, understand, “

Sure… it’s true… but that’s like.. only the half of the story. All is true but to me it feels a lot like saying.. “You can’t be angry, sad, frustrated.” the guides forget to but in words the other side of the story.
Someone need to say the important another side. Why hardly ever I see words “It’s ok! You will be hurt, you will be angry and sad, you can be angry and sad, you can laugh as much you want.. “
That your loved one “doesn’t meen to do …” does not mean it can’t hurt you, your feelings. Parents , siblings, spouses need to hear it, they need to know it’s not forbidden to be angry and still love your special person. There need to be someone who say these things. Who say “ it’s ok to be angry!” or sad or happy even if it’s not … right moment.
It should be said somewhere , that it’s ok. it’s hard to hate your child, just for a moment when nothing is fine with your special child. It’s hard to think divorce… if all you hear is “ you must understand it, you must love no matter what… they don’t meant it…” Who are these judgemental guide writers who think that Families of Special people can’t have the feelings of them self.

I’ve seen this in so many levels.. I’m special person, I’m father of special child. I have different kind of special people around me in family and friends..
I’ve hide behind “you must understand me, it’s because of my sickness”

It’s true that when living with Special person, you might need to count to ten or hundred.. You must swallow your tears, have moments of anger that scare you and yet still you have to understand. But it’s also true, that you are human, and you have feelings, and you have right for those feelings. You have right to be sad, angry, happy. It’s important for you to have someone who listens and doesnt judge. We all have em, feelings… other’s show them others doesn’t.

I can see how hard it is to my wife. I'm not the man she fell in love. I'm, at my worst, some super energetic, megalomaniac zombie how keep say “ouch” and try to hide the cry. Even when I'm not that bad, something ruines the day.
She can't trust me to handle bills because I might forget it or pay em twice. She can't trust me to remember stuff. She can't trust I read correctly the shopping list. Or that I buy son a buss card. There's weeks that I can't even vacuum or cut carrots.
Goddamned of course she's angry, sad, annoyed and who knows what else. I understand that and I can handle it, she has the right to show how she feels just like every other human.
So basically… here is the thing. I, as quite special case, can't show my appreciation enough, can

So… I don't know.. I just wanted to write this.