I'm currently in between.

Those of you, who actually have been reading this since the beginning, know that I've been suffering quite a burnout. It started with combination of Doctor's fucked up my medication and toxic leadership at job. Usually I might have been able to handle the latter, but when your mental-medication start to make you unstable.. well, things go bad fast.

That was about year ago.

I have now, let's see, fifth new medication at test drive. It could be quite perfect, as it was suggested a Pain-Specialist-Doctor to my Psychiatrist so the same magic pill could, in theory, easy my Fibro/other pains and stable my mental state.

Of course I don't dare to dream much yet, even that another Doctor thought there's a chance my wrist is fixable. But as I said, I don't dare dream much. I'm waiting do I get disability pension/rehab for a year like Doctor's order was. Because my diagnoses are still bit vague that doctor doesn't quite know what kind of help I need, current hope is that this new medication give some stability to my head and we can build therapy and such on top of that.

Year ago, I was just fine with Disability Pension, the idea felt just fine for me, no pressure of job/school..tiny money monthly, can get more by working little...

But now, I don't know anymore. I feel I would much more prefer to actually get a job as soon as I get my health in order (of course I hope that will happen.) I feel There's still something that I can offer to society, even that I don't like society much.

I've been checking out how computer languages work, coding. Not sure is it for me, but I have time, so why not at least try.

I'm highly interested about human psyche, sadly that would need lot's of schooling and closest school for that is.. far far away, and I'm family man so, moving after school is not so easy. The good part of Coding anyhow is, that one can actually learn it without school, it might be harder, and take time, and more work to show Job's that one really can... but still.. it can be done. SO, I've been wondering that.

But I really believe I could be quite good psychologist

Anyhow.. Everything is open at the moment. I don't know will I get that rehab/disability Pension, if not, I don't know what happens, do I have to get back in try-to-find-a-job-business or some random school? Because I'm just taking first steps where I at least dare to dream I might someday get better.

I hate the Unknown.  Not knowing what will happens, what should I do, where to go.Is there job's I can do, better yet, that I can get?

Fibromyalgia

If you are not familiar with this damned thing, here's link to one of the many more official places to gain more knowledge.

To me this is a new fellow-traveller and I wasn't planning to do any writing about him yet, but then lately one evening he jump out of the closet suddenly and was like “did you miss me? “

I was actually driving a car then, felt fine and second later felt like burning rod was pushed through my right shoulder.

As said this is new to me, I haven't even have named the symptoms yet much, except the cottoncandyhead. And that's not originally my idea but something wife used to call when her head felt funny, it just seems fitting to this fibro slow… ThThinkin… Brains… It was either cottoncandy or oatmeal head… hmm yes, I do like to eat.

To me the worst is how it effects on my head. Pain is nasty and so is being tired but.. Pain is old friend to me, since I broke my knee and later my inter-vertebral disc, so only new here was the, how suddenly and random fibropain is.

But even that I've lived with ADHD whole life and struggled with bipolar disorder most of my adulthood.. This is new. See adhd makes my brain reeeally fast, world happens bit like slow motion sometimes. Bipolar makes me think I'm God and second later I'm worthless to be living (bit exaggerated), makes me act like there's different persons inside me even that it's just me changing mind and behavior really fast and many times a day.

But Fibromyalgia seems to slow me down, make me forget things, get me lost in my thoughts, like I really would be paddling trough oatmeal. I have difficulties to make decisions, I'm unsure about everything and I forget a lot, even if I've written it down.

Someday s are so bad that suddenly I just have to walk to another room, away my loving family because I feel so worthless. My brain does not comply my body is in pain and others have to step in to cover me. How can I not cry in these situations. When I see how big of a burden I have become.

I'm tired all the time, I can't sleep without some pills yet even that dream doesn't really refresh me, but I must try to keep up smile and be productive at work and understand what school means.

And most of time I just want to cry, because this is not me. 

I don't have any medication for this, yet. Story behind that goes like this.

I have adhd and bipolar disorder too, as said earlier. When I was diagnosed with fibro, I was given some drugs too, but beside that it did ease a bit of my sudden pains is also secretly mess up my head, and my bipolar medication. I dropped the fibro pills after month or two, because I could see it just made my situation worse, but what I didn't see, is that my bipolar medication didn't survive. I kept eating it, but it didn't work. Now, I believe it haven't ever worked too well, but enough for me to survive, but now, I started to slip back to my egomaniac arsehat personality that I really really hated, and when you added the random Fibro-Zombie there... weeelll.. it wasn't pretty. Basically I was zombie who thought he can do everything and is the king of the hill. 

So now, new doctor. trying to fix me. fist Bipolar, and when that's under control, we dive in to Fibromyalgia again.

Right about now

I'm having 3th drug on to run, (if we count all medication I've tried for Bipolar it would be 5 plus drinking).
Again this started on nicely, had some balancing feeling but... Yes there's the darn but again... Now I've been in high anxiety for a week. Too much energy to sleep so I'm up from 5 am to next night and sleep if I'm lucky.
I have urge to do something but I can't concentrate on anything, even writing this is hard. I have depressing feeling if I'm not doing something but I cant do much so there's a twist. Only good thing here is that I'm mostly alone coupledays so I won't bother others so much but do this... Will I get over this before I go back to home?

Also I really would like to get this medication for Bipolar working so we could start doing something for the fibro, it's another damn annoyance in my life. Pain is not fun. sticky brains is no fun. And if I would not have this darn fibro I could be outside doing some labour that do not demand me to consentrade so much... But no oo.. I'm in pain and full of energy. So damn,

I did build a tiny table for flowers but because of the lack of equipment and my inability to consentrade... On anything.. Didn't work so well.

I've made some clay thingies to vent the feeling but I would love tobe able to make the detailed texture and currently I can only make lumps. Lumps and holes and teeth marks with a growling.

I just want to be free... Free of pain, free of anxiety, debression, mania... All that crap. Why must this be so hard.

Sorry. I needed this.

What about that another one?

What about the other?

This is something I’ve been thinking a lot, and it’s hard subject because I’m one the the “special” people.
I have little bit of this and little bit of that.
Thing that bothers me so much is … well, to me it seems that professionals, families, friends and people who just walk by forget the parent, spouse, sibling or child. Forget is quite strong word for here, but i feel it fits in the purpose so I will use it.

I’ve read lot’s of different guides for, adhd families, bipolar… fibromyalgia .. Even those that has been written to the parents or spouses of special person and every time I saw the same thing, thing that puzzle me so much. I have talked a lot with doctors, special doctors, nurses, social workers… damn.. even with a priest. I’ve read through internets wonderfully unreliable world and always it comes to same thing.

Every time it’s the same “You must understand your children.. you have to see that your children doesn’t do it on purpose, mean it… Your spouse, father mother, uncle… he doesnt mean it, understand, “

Sure… it’s true… but that’s like.. only the half of the story. All is true but to me it feels a lot like saying.. “You can’t be angry, sad, frustrated.” the guides forget to but in words the other side of the story.
Someone need to say the important another side. Why hardly ever I see words “It’s ok! You will be hurt, you will be angry and sad, you can be angry and sad, you can laugh as much you want.. “
That your loved one “doesn’t meen to do …” does not mean it can’t hurt you, your feelings. Parents , siblings, spouses need to hear it, they need to know it’s not forbidden to be angry and still love your special person. There need to be someone who say these things. Who say “ it’s ok to be angry!” or sad or happy even if it’s not … right moment.
It should be said somewhere , that it’s ok. it’s hard to hate your child, just for a moment when nothing is fine with your special child. It’s hard to think divorce… if all you hear is “ you must understand it, you must love no matter what… they don’t meant it…” Who are these judgemental guide writers who think that Families of Special people can’t have the feelings of them self.

I’ve seen this in so many levels.. I’m special person, I’m father of special child. I have different kind of special people around me in family and friends..
I’ve hide behind “you must understand me, it’s because of my sickness”

It’s true that when living with Special person, you might need to count to ten or hundred.. You must swallow your tears, have moments of anger that scare you and yet still you have to understand. But it’s also true, that you are human, and you have feelings, and you have right for those feelings. You have right to be sad, angry, happy. It’s important for you to have someone who listens and doesnt judge. We all have em, feelings… other’s show them others doesn’t.

I can see how hard it is to my wife. I'm not the man she fell in love. I'm, at my worst, some super energetic, megalomaniac zombie how keep say “ouch” and try to hide the cry. Even when I'm not that bad, something ruines the day.
She can't trust me to handle bills because I might forget it or pay em twice. She can't trust me to remember stuff. She can't trust I read correctly the shopping list. Or that I buy son a buss card. There's weeks that I can't even vacuum or cut carrots.
Goddamned of course she's angry, sad, annoyed and who knows what else. I understand that and I can handle it, she has the right to show how she feels just like every other human.
So basically… here is the thing. I, as quite special case, can't show my appreciation enough, can

So… I don't know.. I just wanted to write this.

Where am I

It's really hard to be, again, in situation where I can't trust my mind at all.

Since I fought and learned the shit that adhd and bipolar did to me, got good medication, found the true me… Life has been better… Not so interesting or colorful but not boring either. But I've been in control… Of me… and haven't had feeling of.. To need to control everything.

Now… When fibro moved in to house, things started to go bad. When I look back, I wish I would just taken the pain, but nooooo I was “ok let's try if that helps”. The medication did help for the pain but also crashed my bipolar balance and I was horrible.

So.. I dropped the fibro medicine.. Thought I was getting better.. But I wasn't.. Slowly I was loosing my mind losing my control, forgetting stuff alot and often, started to stutter more… lost words, strength.. Sleep.

It took half a year for me to start to see what was happening. I asked help. First doctor told me, she can't handle the situation so she moved me to specialist.. I waited time for that over month and slipped worse.. Now.. New doctor was like. “holy fuck.” wrote long sick leave and start to fix medication for bipolar because that is the most acute situation. Ones again professional is wondering how in earth can I keep my self even this well in shape.

How it feels? How you think. Do I enjoy to let my loved ones down because I forget something important that I promised just 5min ago?
Do I like to notice I did exactly the thing I was not supposed to do because things got mixed in my head?

Do I enjoy that I hurt someone's feelings by doing same shit again that I haven't done in half decade?

Is it funny to mix up words together, forget how to do simple things, ask others to read my blog posts for me because I can't make any sense on em by myself?

Do I like to feel anxious all the time because someone said something, i read news, saw kitten, didn't like my mirrorimage, noticed the fat, don't feel loved, love tomuch, rain, sunshine…

And

That's only maybe half of the difficulties in my head at the moment.

I just want to… Get there where I was before. Before this. Be in control of my mind, have good life, job or no job.. If job push me off the edge. Then maybe I can give up.. But until I get my head back.. I can't say. I can't decide. I can't deal with it.

First medication try started well, my brains started to work again but.. Now after month and bigger dose only brains work. It cause tremors in me, headache, difficulties to see, dizziness and felt nauseous all the time. But it help still me to think. So doctor told me to take just minimum dose to keep head working and we started new medication again.

We shall see where this goes.
Sick leave continue.

Quite often i feel I'm no good..

I can't do anything right.

Or really often I feel like it  that at least. I have really hard time to see my success, even if there is more of them. If there is even one failure, that's what I see.

Usually the thing now a day is, when I let someone important to me, down.
If I forget a promise, accidentally do or say something hurtful, that will bring me down for whole day or week. I have so few people around me, who to trust and love that I live in constant fear of losing them, because of my head, because I do or say something I don't even really mean and the donkeys back is broken.

I really don't trust people, there's really few I let myself even like or speaking of loving em, and because most of my adulthood I've not noticed or cared about anything but control , I've already lost people I, now looking back, would liked to keep close.

I known I can't be more or other than I am, but I can hope and try to be better, try to not lose the people who matter most.

It's horrible feeling, to not understand or see when you broke promises or step out of line or just lose control and be arsehat.

I know I should not be so hard on myself, doctors and therapist and people around me keeps telling me so… But after being harsehat a couple decades… It's hard to not be. There's so much regret in my life, so much shit I've done and what have been done to me.

I've also cut people out from my life because I've learned I've been only used, or that they've been bringing the worst out of me or because they been complete dicks.

I live in world of few people in real life, but thankfully I've found new family from the online world, all around the globe.

The final straw that pushed me over the edge

And this is why I am keeping a blog now.

I hate my brains quite often. But rescently specially. I have bipolar disorder, mostly manic, and it makes me think I know it all. Naturally that's not the case, usually far from it. It has been better since I had good medication to help me think a bit more before I yell to world that I'm right. I had good medication. Had.

See the thing is that I have also fibromyalgie. Because constant tiresome pain can be quite annoying or even horrible to live with, I asked doctor is there anything to help with it. Because I live in Finland all natural pain relief and other products that people around the world have got help, are banned but I can get drunk every day and government is willing to support me on that… Back to doctor. Doctor read my papers in and ask my about my other illnesses and then wrote me some triptyl.

First at all.. I got slow.. Zombie mode slow.. So we half the dose. Then, of course I didn't realize it then but afterwards, my bipolar started to kick in. I behave erratic, megalomaniac, jealous, crybaby, aggressive, depressed, overly happy and about everything else that usually don't happen to me in even same year. Almost too late I understood that I was losing myself. Too late because I was behaving really bad towards to my wife.

So I called doctor, who didn't believe me, that I cut that shit out… Even that it did help for the pain.

Months goes by, first I felt I get better, then suddenly I didn't. Half a year later I'm at sick leave, waiting for super hyper psychiatrist time. Had to take time off from job and school to keep my head at bay at home. Month ago, I realized that my bipolar medication didn't work anymore, or I hope that is the case, and I am using huge amounts of brain energy to fight off my politicians… demons I ment.

Last months have been like this. I hardly remember anything, short time memory stuff. I sleep but wake up as tired as I was when I went to sleep. I'm slow, stupid and I forget words all the time. And because I'm tired, I lose my concentration to keep my head in balance and I start to slip to bipolar side. And I hate it.

I hate to feel dumb, I hate to fight my brains, I hate to be tired, zombie, egomaniac. I just want back to there where I was in control of me.

Most of my adult life, I've felt either godlylike or completely worthless.

I wasn't pretty boy as young (never really understood the drooling for good looking humans, to me that seems quite, lack of intelligence, sorry) , my only merit was my fast mind and tongue. Because I've never felt like an… Good looking guy, I've been at least smart, funny and even charismatic (or so I've been told) but lately I've lost it all.

So it's been. Hellish. My self image has always been quite poor, but actually since the beard, gotten bit better :). But because my head is still complete mess, and I've never been able to get strength from good look…I wish I could go back to work, but I'm in apprenticeship deal for, youth worker and I'm not sure can I do that even if I get my head better.

What I was

What I was.

Let's not go much to the childhood. I was energetic, read a lot, played alone in the forests, lived always half in my imagination so people had hard times to know when the things I said were true and when not, because to me it was all true. Thats all I have to say about my childhood.. Home I was happy every where else, not so much because never felt to fit in.

I had some friends, but not best friend. I spent lots of time with my siblings and cousins,  but only my little brother felt to understand my thoughts and that happened in the later years. I wasn't evil or stupid, just cuite basic ADHD child, sadly schools turned me to look bad boy.

I think.. Hmm. I was smart guy, knew a lot and felt that I was better than others, (now… I still think that, but now I also have facts to back it up.. 😉😂). I was strong, smart man who could not control he's emotions, thoughts, energy, impulses…  nothing in him, so I instead tried to control my surroundings. Basically I was really unstable megalomaniac.

I had lots of friends, but only few really good ones, rest of the people told me how cool and nice I was because they never saw the real me so using that I was arsehat to others. 

I had always some excuses why there must be money for, beer, bar, new computer, game console.. Huge bottles of raw booze... What ever I wanted and what others needed were secondary.

When I went to have fun, it really meant I was drinking myself as drunk as I could. When I was drunk I was usually really mean to people, thinking I was funny because I was laughing, and I sure couldn't be wrong, it was others who had no sense of comedy.

I was always so full of energy and ideas and didn't really have healthy ways to handle it, so I drink way to much. I played on pc or consoles (that I just bought, money or not) and didn't sleep. (well I still don't sleep much).

I have heard that adhd/bipolar both drive people to find some extra sex around…

I haven't had that ever, but I did have habit to flirting with females and sometimes males, and not even noticing it and legend says they were flirting back, and I sure didn't notice that either… But I think I've done about everything else shitty thing there is in a book.

Because I got bored, we have moved around alot, almost never with a good reason. I have at least made studies and working harder for wife because I got an idea to start to study too, in another city (nope I didn't graduate) or got myself a job in another city just when she had things going good… We move and I broke my back and end the job.
I fucked up more studies for my self than others even ever dream to study. Only ones I didn't get in school I was trying to get in. 

But I'm better now, only currently I'm wondering can I study in school anymore as to me it feels that my learning difficulties does only get worse.

So… YoU get the picture?