Do you know... what it feels when you can't trus your words?

I have had this problem quit a long time. Sometimes it's easier, just tiny things, loose some one word... but then.. there's times, when my mouth let out something that I didn't mean to say at all.

It's horrifying. Thankfully, I don't too often hurt peoples feelings.. not that I mind that If I meant to hurt them, but It's horrible to hurt others, simply because your words betray you completely.

Now. I don't know is it related to adhd or Bipolar or what a hell.. But it's annoying as hell. It does affect my life. Mostly by the way of .. I HATE PHONES.

I hate it. Because I don't see the huuuman at the another end. If my mouth fuck me up, the another one don't see my shock and horror, he/she can easily think I meant it. Also, I don't see their face so I don't know what the reaction there is truly, not that I could say I'm good at reading people anyhow.

But yeah. I love words, I know how to use em, I know amazingly huge amounts of them and even where and how to use em... well.. most of. I know words in 4 languages... well enough to say hi and order tea.

But that's why I'm more likely to send emails and messages, there, I usually can double check that I haven't accidentally add sentences or words that I wasn't even thinking of.

I don't know..

Do anyone suffer similar thing? 

Happy memories

I keep on writing up my happy memories in my battle with depression.

It seems to me, that most of my happy memories involve my family.

So here's some. 

I can't say when...
But we had met, spend time together. I can't remember why, or where.. just that in the city we studied.

One night, I don't know where there just the two of us, or was there others..

We sit in swings in the children playground. Talking.

Talking about everything. Laughing together.

That's one of my most precious memories.

I hate that I can't remember more.

But I remember the first time she kissed me. To me it was pure magic.

I do remember how I sit in bench in school, her leg's were in my lap and teacher walk by and (can't remember the words) and was .. "so sweet."

I remember how I lived alone.. alone indeed in this tiny and horrible apartment. How once I came there from my parents place... and she was sitting on the porch with big bag of clothes and stuff. and she looked happy, as happy as I was.

I remember the calls, the letters we send each others when we were apart. I was poor writer then, so I think i draw stuff I thought to be romantic.. I have no idea were those.

I remember how she tease me about easy I was... but she never realized that I was easy only because of her. it was she, who made me easy... for her.

I remember how we talked about everything. She told me so much, stuff that she don't even remember she told me then. She said that I didn't tell her as much, but I told what I could and most of all, I told her about my feelings.

I remember how she made me feel... wanted... loved... missed.

This helps. It helps to remember the good stuff. I just hope to remember more.

It's bit weird perhaps how many of my good memories are connected to her. But.. it's not to me.