happy memories from my childhood

This depression doesn't give up. So I must continue to dig up my happy memories. 

I have thought that I had a happy childhood, but now, when i try to remember those, I just cant.
I know It wasn't bad, I know I was happy often, but not so much that I've let myself believe.

My self-confidence was destroyed as kid, I don't blame anyone about it,I didn't know it, I didn't deal with it.

But there are some happy moments that I can remember.

Most of those are, maybe sad sounding, but I was most happy, as a kid when I was playing around forest. Alone. I had lot's of imaginary friends whom play with me the games I wanted to play. Games that real people didn't want to play with me. So I run around forest completely in my mind, having adventures for  a life time.  I had, I think around ten hidden ... I don't know.. hut's made of trees, branches, moss. I kept them hidden, because sometimes, when some people found my hut, they broke them. I had tiny treasures in my huts, beautiful rock's, fallen antlers, I even gathered berries and mushrooms in there, to have something to eat, yes, when I was kid, I knew pretty well what mushrooms were ok to eat, now not so much. I spend a lot of time around the river, I walked riverside a long way.

I didn't have many friends back then, and I didn't believe those few who said they were my friend, don't know why, maybe I was scared.. maybe I just wanted to be alone, maybe we were just too different.

I remember how I loved to walk with my grandma, she teach me a lot of nature, what herbs there were, what mushrooms are fine to eat ;) and she never got bored to answer my questions. Or.. that's how I remember her.
I loved to spend time with one of my uncles too, he had always time for me. We walked around, he told me about oldways, how they had get trees from the forest with horse, how there was a horse and other animals when he was young. He told how firewood should pile so it would dry better. He too seem to have a lot of time to listen me.

I remember how then, crying was easy. I miss that. I feel that I have almost completely lost the ability to cry. Sure there's times when something hurt my heart so much or .. some.. music trigger some faint memory.. but most of time, I can't cry, no matter how much I want.

Let's see.. what else happy I remember from my youth. Well. Books. I read then a lot, another talent I have almost lost. Because of my adhd/dyslexia there are sometimes even years when I can't read much about anything.. but back then.. I for sure had adhd, but it didn't bother my readings. I loved J.R.R Tolkien and the Middle-earth. I loved David Eddings and Silk most of there. I found Witches of Discworld quite young, and now I can admit.. I did read Carolyn Keen's Nancy Drew books and .. even "worse" I read a lot of romance novels. 

I loved to visit, almost daily, my godparents, mostly my god-mother. She had always time for me, always willing to listen my stories, play card with me, laugh with me, teach me things. It was wonderful back then, because I get to eat a lot. I could eat, or not eat, at home go then to grandmoms place and eat or to godmother and eat there or not. It was wonderful. 

I miss the dogs.. we had always dog's and dog's understood me better than humans, they loved me unconditionally. I didn't need to prove myself to dogs.
at one point, one old dog moved to live with us, I think I remember that it was beaten by it's caretaker, and I don't know how, but one day dad just came home with it. the awesome moment from my childhood was that I was the first human it let pat it's back. I spend days just sitting near it, let it come to me. It was so special. 

I'm sure we had some trips. I can't remember those, when I was older we did do hiking, those I remember. I also remember how I loved it.. company was ok. but it was the hiking and nature that made me happy.. nature still makes me happy. 

I was happy about my sister, even that she was treated like a princess, I loved her. We had and have lot's of common. 

When the youngest of us came along... well that was awesome too. Later he has grown to be one of my most trusted humans.

Sadly... that's all the happy memories I can find this time from my childhood. Maybe there's more.. I just can't remember them yet.

one of the best.

She told me, she was pregnant. I don't think it was completely planned, but it wasn't either unwanted, maybe bit more on the side of planned. I was young and I was so ready to be father.

I remember how I called to my dad. Told him that he's going to be grandfather.
Dad was.. "Oho.. really. well.. " and cut the phone. Couple minutes later. He called back and was like completely different man. He was so happy and so joyous.

The pregnancy wasn't easy, there was stuff I believe, again sadly I can't remember.

I remember how I talked to baby when it was still inside her.

I remember how it had to be done by C-section because he was so big and... something.

I remember how annoyed I was that nurses and doctors didn't let me be with her in the room, I had to watch trough some glass when I wanted to be there, holding her hand.

I remember how nurse walked to me, with tiny human in her hands.

I remember how my heart melt when i saw that tiny troll.

I remember how scared I was to hold him.

I remember how everything change.

I remember how nurse teach me how to change the diaper. Wash him.

I remember how we took family room in hospital, even that we didn't really could afford it.. but I wanted to much to sleep next to them.

I remember so much also not good stuff... I even wrote those here.. then I deleted it and pretend for now, it didn't happen.

I hope I can sleep now.

If there's anything I'm proud. It's our offspring. WE have help this amazing young offspring to find who he is.

Happy memories

I am saddened that I can't remember much about my offspring childhood. But there is somethings.

I remember how I was playing with him at the floor and he drool all over me.

I remember how when we tried to bath him, we needed umbrella.

I remember how I took him fishing with me, and how much he loved to get more fishes than me.

I remember his absolute belief that I could fix everything.

I loved to read him stories. We read Hobbit, and I think even Lord of the rings? and sometimes I just made up stories for him and oh boy did he love those.

When he was just tiny and had a bad day, there was two ways to calm him. Either listening Metallica or me talking. I mean, those were two of my tools.

I remember how he build always and everything.

I have it still. the bookmark he made for me. once he got angry at me, for reason that I can't remember, and he rip the bookmark in pieces... and then.. after short while he taped it back together.. I still love that bookmark and use it all the time.

The first day at school. I think we walked there all three... It was horrible, but I was also quite proud.

The offspring have always been kind. Even as kid he went to talk with everyone and somehow even the drunk old people were nice to him. He is still kind and tender soul.

Once he wanted to sleep in tent after some party. So we put the tent up and went to sleep... but then.. he had eaten so much all the party food, that he got sick.

I remember how he was sitting on computer, and playing Tetris like a pro... then .. bit later I realized that it was demo on, and he only pretended to play.

Happy memories

I keep on writing up my happy memories in my battle with depression.

It seems to me, that most of my happy memories involve my family.

So here's some. 

I can't say when...
But we had met, spend time together. I can't remember why, or where.. just that in the city we studied.

One night, I don't know where there just the two of us, or was there others..

We sit in swings in the children playground. Talking.

Talking about everything. Laughing together.

That's one of my most precious memories.

I hate that I can't remember more.

But I remember the first time she kissed me. To me it was pure magic.

I do remember how I sit in bench in school, her leg's were in my lap and teacher walk by and (can't remember the words) and was .. "so sweet."

I remember how I lived alone.. alone indeed in this tiny and horrible apartment. How once I came there from my parents place... and she was sitting on the porch with big bag of clothes and stuff. and she looked happy, as happy as I was.

I remember the calls, the letters we send each others when we were apart. I was poor writer then, so I think i draw stuff I thought to be romantic.. I have no idea were those.

I remember how she tease me about easy I was... but she never realized that I was easy only because of her. it was she, who made me easy... for her.

I remember how we talked about everything. She told me so much, stuff that she don't even remember she told me then. She said that I didn't tell her as much, but I told what I could and most of all, I told her about my feelings.

I remember how she made me feel... wanted... loved... missed.

This helps. It helps to remember the good stuff. I just hope to remember more.

It's bit weird perhaps how many of my good memories are connected to her. But.. it's not to me. 

It is hard.. but I do try

My new way of life.

I'm haunted by memories that I can't be sure are they true. I'm haunted about things that are not true, and I'm haunted by things I know but I don't want to know.

I'm depressed again been a long while now, just didn't realize it earlier, which suck, because IT fooled me again to do things, and it's hitting hard, yet some fuck up system in me wont let me show it, so I try to write this, my open journal to tell it, tell how bad I feel. But I'm bored to be victim of my own mind, even that my depressed mind let things that are good, evade me. Even the things that are most important to me fill me sadness. I keep on fighting, and only thing I've found to help me, is to concentrate on good memories.

But I try.

So, because the my depression I start to think all the crap from things years and years ago, things that I'm not sure are they true or products of my dark mind.

So I try to find memories that make me happy, memories that I'm pretty sure are true.

Memories that I hope are true but non the less they do bring me joy and are important and after years of darkness, I can remember them again.

I was drunk, as it was quite usual back then. I was teenager in new city without any real friends, studying in school that I thought was good for me, well I thought that before I had studied there a while. So, I was drunk and walking around the city. Alone.( later I found handful of humanoids that I quite enjoyed to stay around.) Trying to find someone to fight with, but it was middle of week so, city was quite silent.
I send couple text messages to people I knew, can't remember what.
Then my phone ring.
Sound wasn't familiar to me, but it was interesting. Female started to teas me. Can't remember the words, but she sounded wonderful and she knew who I was. Before that, I didn't believe anyone had really noticed me beside couple guys with whom I had done some projects. She talked to me, wanted to know me, had amazing wit and brain and she rocked my world in that phone call. I was in the city when she called. I sit in .. pavilion, speak with her, tell more about myself than I had ever told to anyone. TO someone I had no idea who she was.

First time in my life I felt someone was truly interested about me. Because I had obviously already then quite poor self-confidence I reasons unknown to me started to talk about someone else, but she told me, she wanted to hear about me, not that someone. At some point I started to walk to back home, but still I was on the phone, talking to that someone all the time. Hours. I can't, sadly, remember all what we talked in that call, I would love to remember, because I can remember that I fall in love then, without even knowing who she was. All I knew that she was in the same school with me, we had some common  acquaintance whom she had got my number.
I walked .. I think something like 6km to home, and still we were on the phone, talking about everything. She had amazing mind, glorious humor and so talented user of sarcasm. She did give me hint's who she might be, but to be honest, I had no idea. I walked in school quite blind, because there was so many arselings and I didn't want to have anything to do with them, so obviously I did miss alot of those, who might not be arselings.

So.. I was at home, we finally ended the call... and I had still no idea who she was. I couldn't sleep that night. I was sober again.. and I was haunted who she was.

Next day was school day, as I said, I was drunk middle of week. I walked in classroom and somehow, I knew. One most beautiful smile I had ever seen from the face I had never noticed before... then there's a long dark period. I don't remember did we talk then or not. All I can remember was that she send me a message, I think... might have been call too.. Asked would I skip school with her. and I jumped on table, walked out of classroom. Teacher just stand there and looked confused.

We had great day, she, me and our common friend, we walked around the city, talked. At some point she started to tease me, stole my scarf and tiny things like that.

I will never forget.

I know, I've told this story differently before, mostly about what made me see her and how I reacted.. I don't know why.. somehow some toxic masculinity didn't let me tell her, that it was her mind that made me fall for her right then and there. Don't get me wrong, she was beautiful. She is beautiful woman with amazing mind.

I love you.