I wonder, what this tell about me

year and half ago, my offspring get in the art high school and needed a computer. 
Because of the modern age studying in high schools in Finland is completely nuts, 
one can’t get through studies without laptop. 
To me that tells how sadly untalented teachers are and how school system is faulty. 
But that wasn't what I was about to write.

Since I gave my laptop to the offspring and tried to use tablet to my fill the daily internet dose, 
I’ve been... annoyed.

 Now I'm annoyed with blogger... it's messing with the text again, so... this will look wonky. 

Darn, Now I lost my thought completely. 

So... I must wonder, what this blog was supposed to be about. I have no memory, not so anything comes
to mind, that why I started to write this. 

Darn Blogger and your wonkyness. 

 So. tablet... I realized that I'm oldschool, I need real computer... so I did try to "play" with wifes laptop,
that she uses for office thingies and.. Sims 3. but NOnoNo... I can't stand the Windows.. It's worst OS.
and because wife needs the windows.. so I could not install any flavor of Linux on it. SO I dig out old
computer from garage... and tried to play with that... but.. that either didn't work on my favor. so..
I continued to try to handle my web-page, facebook, art stuff, blogs.. all with tablet.. It was truly horrible.

So... dear offspring, who knew our money situation is not to good because of my long sickness thingie
(haven't been at work since early spring), and offspring therefore decided first not to tell us that my old
laptop didn't quite work enough for all the courses in school. Because, that damn Windows kept install
more and more useless stuff that with windows 10, you can't even remove without more skilled coding 
than I'm capable. 

After the offspring had failed one course, we kind of found out the laptop situation... It did take a while, 
and I sure had to step far from my comfort zone to make it happen, I had to beg and use phone and do
research and talk to people and visit a church ones (it's weird for pagan like me)... but I managed to do 
it.. I managed to make it so, that offspring has now darn fine laptop. 

Ah.. Now I remember what I was about to write originally. It was about that, People think I'm quite selfish
and they are correct. I am most of time selfish but when it's about my family, I'm not so much.

Before this laptop incident. 

About year and half ago, I made a Mural and as a thank you I got awesome, the best of the best phone 
at the moment. Then... around the same time when I get the new laptop for offspring, we also
change phones. I have now... quite.. toy phone. Sure I miss my ex superphone.. but really.. offpsring 
does have way much more use and need for it. .. and it's not the first time that I've given my favorite 
"toys"
for offspring. 

Don't get me wrong.. I'm selfish prick. there's no doubt about that. If I don't concentrate much, I forget 
that there's people around me who might have more urgent needs than I have. It's quite common
with adhd/bipolar person, but I'm working on this... working hard. But sometimes the work ... does 
pay up. I'm not riches man, but I sure want to make sure our offspring has better tools for life than I had.

About my selfishness It's true.. it's not so long ago, when my wife use to get me books (because she 
knew I love em) and guess what I got her? Maybe tiny chocolate bar and ... tobacco. Because I 
didn't even bother to really find out what she wanted or needed. And boy if I didn't get anything I was 
annoyed. 
I might buy my self a computer, phone, game console.. what ever I felt I wanted or needed... and did 
I ever buy that sewing machine, or general purpose machine or anything that she needed? .. well.. no. 
So.. I'm working on it. I'm working hard to keep my self in ... short lease... I demand a lot from me. 

My therapist doesn't understand why I demand so much, I mean my current one, my regular therapist 
have started to see the point... I hope I get my regular one back soon. 

Anyhow... I have found my self done selfless acts lately, not much, but more than years and years before. 
Sure, mostly for offspring and more an more to wife, but sometimes even to "just" friends or even almost
strangers. 

I've lost my point of this story completely.. It's just.. rambling.. oh well.. it happens. 

What is happening here?

I tell you what is going on.
I'm still phucked up. But there might be some sun in the future.'

I've been more or less out of medication almost a year now, not because I want to, but because doctors have not found anything that works.

Sadly here in Finland, certain herbs and other natural products are highly NO NO so I'm stuck with medicines made by man.

It's hard to stay .... zen when my broken back causes almost constant pain (sometimes more, sometimes less, but those few days when there's no pain are amazing) and even when back is little easier, I can be sure my dear friend fibromyalgia does make things worse.  And if that doesn't work, then I can cry and/or laugh because un medicated, well I do eat handfull of some medicine everyday, it just doesn't work... because I'm batshit grazy? NOOO.. only difficult case of Bipolar disorder.

But things are looking better, my regular doctor is having a talk between my head doctor and pain doctor, so maybe they find out something?

Anyhow... I'm open to future. My personal view is that I'm out of workforces ... but because I know for sure that KELA the Finnish official lets-fuck-sick-and-poor-in-the-ass-bureaucrasy can decide there's nothing wrong with me... seriously... they most often do that.. even if you can't walk and eat.

But if that's the verdict I'm ready to think about studying ones more.

Anyhow.. I'm in reeeeally messed up place with my head and need to let out some steam.

peace out.

oh.. allso... if you are interested... Because I started to feel like writing lately.. I started another blog.
it's about entertainment... books...movies.. tv..

https://faultymansentertainment.blogspot.com

Long time no written

Hi all few readers.
Sorry for absence.

My life is such a roller-coaster currently that haven't been able to write it down or.. Art that is important to me.

My Bipolar have been teaching me this new thing called depression and I'm really hard trying to learn how to handle it.

I'm still without any working medication and as long as there's nothing to balance this shit a bit, I really can't began therapy.

I'm seriously thinking to try to get on disability pension, of course it's not up to me, but it feels like the best way for me to get even bit better someday. Because in all this uncertainty, pressur and pain and darkness its fucking hard to get better.

But... You know me... Never give up, never surrender.

Why I write the blog?

For me and for you.

This force me to think more, find the words I've lost, inspect modern me, am I more the real me, does my illnesses fuck me up and how and how to fix or reroute things so the illnesses don't ruin the good around me.

This is therapy to me, clear my head, especially when I'm in bad place.

I try not to pour my thoughts to my loved ones so I write em down, they read em if they want. But I think so much and observe myself all the time that I need to speak it out somehow.

And because when I thought to start writing a blog, People were like.” YES. and please write it in english” I can’t be sure, but I think it might be that… I have couple nasty “illnesses” that are quite common, but still too much of a tabu and people want to break out of it and it’s always good that someone else does it first, no matter how poorly it’s done as long as it’s understandable?

I’ve been told, that my writings help people close to me, understand better why I behave so odd ways, but also people who don't know me tell it help them to understand their own loved ones, friends, bosses or neighbours. I have done some talking to little groups about this, mostly to parents of adhd children's, and there I get a lot that I really help, it’s easier to share the light in live situation when You can see the other’s and how they react to your message. Here, I don’t have that powerful tool, I hope to get messages or some words from you few readers, that am I really writing just for myself, is my english too hard to comprehend. I was thinking to write in both English and Finnish, but to be honest, I can’t keep me in one subject so long that I could do a translation either way and I’m bit shy to ask anyone to do the translation for me, because I use really weird and funny ways to express myself and then I would have to explain myself all the time so that someone could do proper translation. So I keep writing in english and hope for the best.

I live in difficult time, we are trying to find me working medication for two of three “illnesses” of mine. My old medication for bipolar disorder fall down because of fibromyalgia medication OR doctor suspect that it had never worked good but that medication made my brains bit sticky so I just didn’t even realise it. I have now 4th new medication under testdrive and… well it’s not working good either and my doctor is changing and you see the need to open up somewhere.

I have, thankfully, awesome family, quite understanding workplace (where I have been on sick leave 4 months soon) and talented professional to talk to about these. But for sure, I would slowly like to get this first problem, Bipolar disorder under control now so we could continue to find something for Fibro also, because that my readers, that is tiresome illness.

But in the meantime I keep doing art, If you are interested of my art, here’s link to my “homepage” and writing these blogs.

Feel free to share or whatever my texts, I don’t mind if I could make a living by helping others ways that I can do. Currently all I seems to be able to do is writing blogs, and making art. I’m not in shape to do those live “talk” sessions no matter how much I would love to be. I have to think bit selfishly now and get me on shape again, shape where I can give hope to people who come to listen me, not the opposite.

So yeah.

Jani

Medication

Medical stuff... I wasn't about to write about this. I'm no doctor. But people keep asking. 

I don't say names of the drugs because every human is different and something that didn't work for me might be perfect for others.

I don't say don't take medicine or take it, it's up to you and your doctor and family.

I say. Go out, do some exercise, eat healthy.. It won't hurt.. Probably.

I've been under surveillance of doctors a decade now… Or so I thought. After all this was not true. I had one medication. It didn't work to much and was bad for my brain but I didn't notice anything because I was under influence of the drug. Before that there was one drug that destroyed my artistic side and that was to much.

Some doctor updated my recipe time to time, no phone calls, no blood work… No Nothing . Then I went to get help to my pain and.. That started the landslide.

First they told me I have fibromyalgia, wrote me some weird tablets to it and those ruined the rest of my Bipolar medication.

After month I drop the fibro tablets but it was too late. Still it took half a year for me to see something was wrong, and it was mostly help from others that I really saw it.

So I seek help. First dr told she has no knowledge enough of my hard situation and wrote me sick leave and send to higher powers.

The higher powers started the desperate search for working medication for first Bipolar and someday when that's covered then fibro. Thankfully my adhd medication hasn't stop working.

First drug. Help my head yeah so +
But caused= dizziness, internal shaking, headache, constant bad feeling in stomach, eye problems, couldn't concentrate. Tiredness, So lot's of - - -

2 drug. Nothing good. Everything worse.

3 drug. Still under this one currently.
Helps head +
But. dizziness, eye problems, couldn't concentrate. Tiredness, hard to sleep, anxiety(hard one), heart drums like Ulrich playing high, hell of lot energy, anxiety even more, and still can't concentrate to do something, hard to think or drive a car. extra Drooling, face bit numb (good compo).

Now I must count again is it worth it.

But I know there's medication where has more + than -... Just need to find it. Hopefully soon.

I don't even hope or believe to live without medication. I need it for me to be comfortably in me and to be less of assholes to my loved ones. I need em to be even tiny bit part of society, visit relatives go to mall.. So… I hate to take chemicals but I need em.. Like really need.

Relationship

Relationship

Oh I don't say I'm right. I just say how I currently feel and think.

For longest of time I've taken my partner for granted. Because of my illnesses our relationship has changed and currently even we don't know where we stand.

I love her and she love me, there's no doubt in that. But everything else is quite hard to explain at the moment.

I live in place where I have accepted that someday she might want or need to leave. I feel she has all the right to do so, but I  don't prepare for that. What I do, but my difficulties side, try to make her feel better with me.

I understand now that I can't make her happy, that's her “job” but I can try to be better. She's not only my wife, she's also my best friend and the one I trust. She's been with me through hell and I owe her more than I can ever repay.

So. I love her and we have decided that we define our relationship as we feel right for us.

I don't feel it's right that, she has to pour me tea because I can't, even that I hardly ever am in that bad shape.
I know she doesn't deserve the megalomaniac I am when my bipolar medication doesn't work. Or zombie when fibro cloud my thoughts.

After all, I think, I could be wrong, my adhd is the least of my difficulties to burden her.

I feel the marriage should be in balanced, work together, equal and loving in friendship and erotic way. Most of time I haven't been that, first because I thought it was then later because I was so bad shape that I couldn't. Now I'm place that I can and will be more for her.

It must be hard to live with someone like me. Person who is far from stable and trustworthy but not by choice. I can only imagine how it feels to be in relationship with such a burden. If I would do all this crap, because I wanted, I believe I would be alone. So.. I'm really not sure who in this family is most tired right now when my medication, therapy and all is on hold, except the medication.. I'm sure we both are horrified yet hopeful that my medication situation get fixed soon so I can be more me again.

I love my wife but I also know I'm a burden to her. Sometimes I think I should just leave, so she could have easier life.

Cry

I've been actually up rise in home where crying was accepted even for boys. So I cannot say why crying is so hard for me, has been most of my adulthood.

Lately anyhow I've found myself in peculiar situation that I have urgent feeling to burst into cry. I've had it, nagging inside of me a long time now. It's almost everyday feeling. Couple of times I've drop couple tears but this far that's it. I feel it's coming but something is holding it.

It's really weird, as both because I have no idea why I need to cry,( except that my bipolar medication has failed and I have often pain because fibro, and I'm really tired all the time aaand I worry for others.) and because I don't seem to be able to do it.

I think there's huge mess inside of me, the medication don't work so I've started to do to more and more work to stay sane. I sleep poorly, worry I hurt my loved ones, stress more because tried to keep working too. I've driven myself to the edge again and right now I just wait and hope I get help in time.

I'm weekly having acupuncture to open some knots in me. I'm trying new medication to get my emotions back in balance.. So far not there, but feeling bit better. Just.. If I could either cry or find out why I feel like needing to cry.

I've never been much of a crying game, but know to done so more than ones, specially when needed, so even more now I'm annoyed.

....