Those of you, who actually have been reading this since the beginning, know that I've been suffering quite a burnout. It started with combination of Doctor's fucked up my medication and toxic leadership at job. Usually I might have been able to handle the latter, but when your mental-medication start to make you unstable.. well, things go bad fast.
That was about year ago.
I have now, let's see, fifth new medication at test drive. It could be quite perfect, as it was suggested a Pain-Specialist-Doctor to my Psychiatrist so the same magic pill could, in theory, easy my Fibro/other pains and stable my mental state.
Of course I don't dare to dream much yet, even that another Doctor thought there's a chance my wrist is fixable. But as I said, I don't dare dream much. I'm waiting do I get disability pension/rehab for a year like Doctor's order was. Because my diagnoses are still bit vague that doctor doesn't quite know what kind of help I need, current hope is that this new medication give some stability to my head and we can build therapy and such on top of that.
Year ago, I was just fine with Disability Pension, the idea felt just fine for me, no pressure of job/school..tiny money monthly, can get more by working little...
But now, I don't know anymore. I feel I would much more prefer to actually get a job as soon as I get my health in order (of course I hope that will happen.) I feel There's still something that I can offer to society, even that I don't like society much.
I've been checking out how computer languages work, coding. Not sure is it for me, but I have time, so why not at least try.
I'm highly interested about human psyche, sadly that would need lot's of schooling and closest school for that is.. far far away, and I'm family man so, moving after school is not so easy. The good part of Coding anyhow is, that one can actually learn it without school, it might be harder, and take time, and more work to show Job's that one really can... but still.. it can be done. SO, I've been wondering that.
But I really believe I could be quite good psychologist
Anyhow.. Everything is open at the moment. I don't know will I get that rehab/disability Pension, if not, I don't know what happens, do I have to get back in try-to-find-a-job-business or some random school? Because I'm just taking first steps where I at least dare to dream I might someday get better.
I hate the Unknown. Not knowing what will happens, what should I do, where to go.Is there job's I can do, better yet, that I can get?
Showing posts with label disability. Show all posts
Showing posts with label disability. Show all posts
Friday, 25 January 2019
Tuesday, 15 January 2019
memory
Most of my adulthood, I've struggled with this quite annoying thing called memory. I have hard time to remember quite simple things, things I've said, things other have told me, things I've seen, done, promised to do etc. I've been thinking that I have bad memory and try to work on it, to get it better.
Lately, I've started to question it, is it really my memory that doesn't work.
Let me explain. As I wrote just second ago, I've done memory exercise and tests a lot, and surprisingly I'm really good at those so... what?
Then... people who know me do call me to ask things about movies, actors, writers, directors and even little bit about older games. Because I know those things and I remember who was in supporting role in some movie in year 1993 and what else he or she has done. Hell, I can remember whole episode of the Farscape that I watched last time four years ago, and remember the name of the actor who was in it just randomly.
So, there was reason why my offspring and spouse did told me to write about media/entertainment (you can read those from here), because I have always something to say about something media/entertainment related.
So, I started to think, that could it be, that it's my adhd and other headalogy difficulties that causes this, not so much memory problems but the moment when I sould but something in my memory.
You see, I think, that if there's a "HEY Butterfly!" moment around the time when I should be butting something in my memory for later use, the thing is lost but I remember the Butterfly. But whit movie etc. area of life, my personal interest is so high that even the butterfly can fly around and get only small smirk from me.
Does this theory sound plausible?
Well, we shall see, when the doctors, psychologist and psychological nurses and others around me swarming headalogycal people get a hold of me what to do with me, there has been talk about try to "teach" me to but things better in my mind.
That and other areas of my headalogy game are so much of mystery to my psychological team, that we are still in the game of finding some drugs to build some base where to start building bit more stable me, with therapy and weird stuff like that, and it's fine by me, because I'm not so sure anymore, do I want to be in disability pension.
Lately, I've started to question it, is it really my memory that doesn't work.
Let me explain. As I wrote just second ago, I've done memory exercise and tests a lot, and surprisingly I'm really good at those so... what?
Then... people who know me do call me to ask things about movies, actors, writers, directors and even little bit about older games. Because I know those things and I remember who was in supporting role in some movie in year 1993 and what else he or she has done. Hell, I can remember whole episode of the Farscape that I watched last time four years ago, and remember the name of the actor who was in it just randomly.
So, there was reason why my offspring and spouse did told me to write about media/entertainment (you can read those from here), because I have always something to say about something media/entertainment related.
So, I started to think, that could it be, that it's my adhd and other headalogy difficulties that causes this, not so much memory problems but the moment when I sould but something in my memory.
You see, I think, that if there's a "HEY Butterfly!" moment around the time when I should be butting something in my memory for later use, the thing is lost but I remember the Butterfly. But whit movie etc. area of life, my personal interest is so high that even the butterfly can fly around and get only small smirk from me.
Does this theory sound plausible?
Well, we shall see, when the doctors, psychologist and psychological nurses and others around me swarming headalogycal people get a hold of me what to do with me, there has been talk about try to "teach" me to but things better in my mind.
That and other areas of my headalogy game are so much of mystery to my psychological team, that we are still in the game of finding some drugs to build some base where to start building bit more stable me, with therapy and weird stuff like that, and it's fine by me, because I'm not so sure anymore, do I want to be in disability pension.
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