Fibromyalgia

If you are not familiar with this damned thing, here's link to one of the many more official places to gain more knowledge.

To me this is a new fellow-traveller and I wasn't planning to do any writing about him yet, but then lately one evening he jump out of the closet suddenly and was like “did you miss me? “

I was actually driving a car then, felt fine and second later felt like burning rod was pushed through my right shoulder.

As said this is new to me, I haven't even have named the symptoms yet much, except the cottoncandyhead. And that's not originally my idea but something wife used to call when her head felt funny, it just seems fitting to this fibro slow… ThThinkin… Brains… It was either cottoncandy or oatmeal head… hmm yes, I do like to eat.

To me the worst is how it effects on my head. Pain is nasty and so is being tired but.. Pain is old friend to me, since I broke my knee and later my inter-vertebral disc, so only new here was the, how suddenly and random fibropain is.

But even that I've lived with ADHD whole life and struggled with bipolar disorder most of my adulthood.. This is new. See adhd makes my brain reeeally fast, world happens bit like slow motion sometimes. Bipolar makes me think I'm God and second later I'm worthless to be living (bit exaggerated), makes me act like there's different persons inside me even that it's just me changing mind and behavior really fast and many times a day.

But Fibromyalgia seems to slow me down, make me forget things, get me lost in my thoughts, like I really would be paddling trough oatmeal. I have difficulties to make decisions, I'm unsure about everything and I forget a lot, even if I've written it down.

Someday s are so bad that suddenly I just have to walk to another room, away my loving family because I feel so worthless. My brain does not comply my body is in pain and others have to step in to cover me. How can I not cry in these situations. When I see how big of a burden I have become.

I'm tired all the time, I can't sleep without some pills yet even that dream doesn't really refresh me, but I must try to keep up smile and be productive at work and understand what school means.

And most of time I just want to cry, because this is not me. 

I don't have any medication for this, yet. Story behind that goes like this.

I have adhd and bipolar disorder too, as said earlier. When I was diagnosed with fibro, I was given some drugs too, but beside that it did ease a bit of my sudden pains is also secretly mess up my head, and my bipolar medication. I dropped the fibro pills after month or two, because I could see it just made my situation worse, but what I didn't see, is that my bipolar medication didn't survive. I kept eating it, but it didn't work. Now, I believe it haven't ever worked too well, but enough for me to survive, but now, I started to slip back to my egomaniac arsehat personality that I really really hated, and when you added the random Fibro-Zombie there... weeelll.. it wasn't pretty. Basically I was zombie who thought he can do everything and is the king of the hill. 

So now, new doctor. trying to fix me. fist Bipolar, and when that's under control, we dive in to Fibromyalgia again.