Fibromyalgia

If you are not familiar with this damned thing, here's link to one of the many more official places to gain more knowledge.

To me this is a new fellow-traveller and I wasn't planning to do any writing about him yet, but then lately one evening he jump out of the closet suddenly and was like “did you miss me? “

I was actually driving a car then, felt fine and second later felt like burning rod was pushed through my right shoulder.

As said this is new to me, I haven't even have named the symptoms yet much, except the cottoncandyhead. And that's not originally my idea but something wife used to call when her head felt funny, it just seems fitting to this fibro slow… ThThinkin… Brains… It was either cottoncandy or oatmeal head… hmm yes, I do like to eat.

To me the worst is how it effects on my head. Pain is nasty and so is being tired but.. Pain is old friend to me, since I broke my knee and later my inter-vertebral disc, so only new here was the, how suddenly and random fibropain is.

But even that I've lived with ADHD whole life and struggled with bipolar disorder most of my adulthood.. This is new. See adhd makes my brain reeeally fast, world happens bit like slow motion sometimes. Bipolar makes me think I'm God and second later I'm worthless to be living (bit exaggerated), makes me act like there's different persons inside me even that it's just me changing mind and behavior really fast and many times a day.

But Fibromyalgia seems to slow me down, make me forget things, get me lost in my thoughts, like I really would be paddling trough oatmeal. I have difficulties to make decisions, I'm unsure about everything and I forget a lot, even if I've written it down.

Someday s are so bad that suddenly I just have to walk to another room, away my loving family because I feel so worthless. My brain does not comply my body is in pain and others have to step in to cover me. How can I not cry in these situations. When I see how big of a burden I have become.

I'm tired all the time, I can't sleep without some pills yet even that dream doesn't really refresh me, but I must try to keep up smile and be productive at work and understand what school means.

And most of time I just want to cry, because this is not me. 

I don't have any medication for this, yet. Story behind that goes like this.

I have adhd and bipolar disorder too, as said earlier. When I was diagnosed with fibro, I was given some drugs too, but beside that it did ease a bit of my sudden pains is also secretly mess up my head, and my bipolar medication. I dropped the fibro pills after month or two, because I could see it just made my situation worse, but what I didn't see, is that my bipolar medication didn't survive. I kept eating it, but it didn't work. Now, I believe it haven't ever worked too well, but enough for me to survive, but now, I started to slip back to my egomaniac arsehat personality that I really really hated, and when you added the random Fibro-Zombie there... weeelll.. it wasn't pretty. Basically I was zombie who thought he can do everything and is the king of the hill. 

So now, new doctor. trying to fix me. fist Bipolar, and when that's under control, we dive in to Fibromyalgia again.

... Run

Welcome
this is my new blog. I have written blogs earlier, a long, long, long time ago, in a gala--- … Let’s just say, this time, there’s a purpose for me to write.

Also, to the best of my memory I think this is the first time I decided to write in English. 
My story starts from long time ago…if  it could start from the beginning, the birth of me. but I’m not sure is there any point in that because of… reasons. I can’t remember much and therefore I would have to struggle to keep things order.. I didn’t have a clue that there might be something different with me until I moved away from home… but now, that I look back. the signs were always there.  But, because I lived in the countryside in a family that was quite openminded, well, I get through early life nicely. I had some difficulties in school, mostly because of adhd… hard to stay still, concentrate all the usual issues, but because I wasn’t complete idiot, I survived, and learned enough to study  on my own.

I will talk more about who I am, my diagnoses and explain what causes what, in later posts. This… this will be a short intro to what is the meaning of this blog which currently doesn’t have name at all, but maybe I make  one up before I publish this.

So back to my short story. I moved to study in city, not so far from home, but far enough that I didn’t live in home anymore. Met a amazing woman, had a child together,  almost ruined it all many times. Forced the family to move again and again, because I got bored (I can’t think of any other reason). Got drunk more and more often, seeing nothing wrong in it. Almost ruined the family again and again.
Wife kept telling me that all was not right, but I didn’t believe her because how could anything be wrong with me?  I was perfect. I kept doing stupid things, kept thinking I was the Gift for Humankind. Until, that is,  she told me, if things don’t change she would take our child and move to another city. Slowly I started to look at myself.  And after year or two, when I was (once again in another city) in the Public Employment and Business Services office, when I spoke with a vocational selection Psychologist, he had the task of helping me, find a job or school. Instead he looked at me and said, “You are not fine… I will send you first to a doctor, let’s see  what they say. After that we might find where you go next!” Now,  if my wife didn’t  earlier tell me that I’m not fine,  I would have not have listened the man. However, that was the final straw, I was about 26 then… and then the journey to find me started.
The meaning of this blog is to open up the life of human who suffers more than just one hiding chronic illnesses.
I find my strength to keep on working and studying, living the jollygood life, fighting with the bureaucracy... my strength come from my family, my wife and child (who’s not so tiny anymore) and art.
I try to keep my art out of this... but most likely I can’t.

The Faulty Man has: ADHD, Bipolar Disorder, Fibromyalgia and all the little ones that comes with them.  You know. dyslexia, mania, tremors, pain, dizziness, unable to concentrate much… and lot’s of broken joint’s and such. … and .. asthma (allergic to synthetic smell thingies), and something in the heart that make’s me faint in high stress or demanding exercise, and  migraine,  and.. still I got a feeling I’m forgettin something. 
But now… now I need to think hard to find a name for my new blog.. decide will there be photos here. will I write with my name or just alias.. so much to think about.