This is the first day of my new life.

So, I've been seeing this.. well not therapist but mind-nurse, if you get what I mean. And with combination of  about working medicine.. well.. I've found that I have damn a lot knots in me.
Some are god damn stupid, and by these I seem to be able to destroy all the good stuff around me.
I have not much self-respect or self-confidence, I know why, I won't be revealing that here, but believe me I know who have destroyed it when I was kid and since then I just never managed to build em. I was bullied in elementary school, until I learned that I'm hell of a lot stronger (physically) and meaner than my bullies and it was just easier to keep that image up. So instead of trying to build me self confidence or respect I build walls and imaginary me. Me who was strong, smart and invincible, yet inside there was this tiny boy who was afraid everything, afraid to be alone, didn't find people to connect. And I kept that fucked-up image up for a long long time.

I kept it going so long that I started to believe it.

I did push people away by just being such an arseling.

For a long time I thought there was nothing wrong with me nor in my childhood
I hide my pain from myself, I'm pretty sure I've painted my memories to be more happy.

Well.. Then I got diagnosed and started to think about what am I. But I never realized that it was my lack of self-respect/confidence what kept me from happiness. I had wife who I loved more than I can ever explain to her or anyone, I have offspring who I love equally as much as wife, but different way yet, I because of my poor self-respect/confidence I tried to get theirs down too. Well, thankfully I started to understand something before I ruined amazing offspring, but I am so sorry for the wife.

I now know that I have hated myself so much, that I have tried to push people who I care away, because I thought don't deserve them and I am just not man enough to walk away because.. well.. I love them so much more than I can say.

I'm getting better, well I was, now, I think because of the stress I get from government decision, I've again fallen down a bit, and I once again did, well said, something completely stupid, something that even I know was stupid, but still I had to say it out loud and at the same moment when the words had left my lips, I know I had made a huge mistake and because of nothing, because of my fucked ego, yet that stupid thing felt huge and bad apple in me, that I lost my ability to sleep... and at the same time... it's so stupid. so stupid. But I had to say it to get over it. And since I saw what I had done, how much I had hurt another, I panic. that How I roll. I panic and push forward, make everything even worse. I build my walls and attack when I should just.. well.. shut the fuck up.

So.. suddenly I realize I'm driving like a madman. Thinking "what if..." thank fully not "I will..." Then I woke. I started to see what I'm doing to myself.

I often think, that I deserve all my illnesses, I deserve to feel to be different, alone. I deserve the constant pain because I'm such a horrible person.
But it's not true, and I need to make me believe it.

I'm so broken that obviously still I think, somewhere beyond my conscious
mind can see, that I deserve to be alone.

I will need to learn to love myself, honestly and real me. Not the one that I build around me.

But I fight. I know now that I'm my own worst enemy and when I know what's the problem, I can do something about it... usually.

So... my first step is this.
I stop writing negative side of my life. Because there's lot's of good stuff in my life and I need to start acknowledge that.

I have people and things that I love, I have people who love me.
I love the pink shoelaces I have, watching them makes me always smile.

Life can be good. I will get there.
This is the first day of my new life.