More things I love

My sneaky high function depression does keep on going. So I keep on tricking my brains and make a list of things I love.

I love stars, i love to lie down on snow and watch the night sky
I love summernights and campfire
I love the smell of air after thunderstorm
I love fall sleep holding my live in my arms.
I love the life without alcohol, yet still sometimes it's hard.
I love ceramics, the feel of clay between my finger.
I love ceramics, the unknown what you find when open the kiln door.
I love to make love with my love.
I love to do hard labour as much as my body can handle.
I love flowers, all flowers.
I love nettle in field, in tea in bread.
I love my few friends who don't have the need to stay in contact every day, but after years it's like we had met just yesterday.
I love when my wife laugh my stupid stuff.
I love to laugh to my wife's stupid stuff.
I love the offspring and his amazing mind.
I love my beard, and would love to have a huge one, but I'm too lazy take care of it.
I love people who buy my art, it make me feel good when someone else love something I've made. 

I love to be able to help others.
I love to speak about my difficulties to others, whom might get some help from my adventures. 

I love to hunt, but I don't shoot often. 

I love to hold her hand when we are shopping. 

I love to take a walk with her. 

I Love to hug the offspring

I love to hug my god-daughter and her brother. 

I love to hug rest of the kid's in my family. 

I love woolen stockings winter and summer... and spring and autumn. 

I love to get better. 

I love the amazing people I've found from internet.
I love my sister from internet. 

I love my imagination, but bit sad that I don't know how to use it in basic life.

I love to swim in natural waters. 

I love to eat smoked fish. 

I love to go fishing at summer.

I love that I can find so many things I love. 

I love to have amazing people in my life. 

I love that I might have to write third list of things I love. 

I love to study Spanish.

This is the first day of my new life.

So, I've been seeing this.. well not therapist but mind-nurse, if you get what I mean. And with combination of  about working medicine.. well.. I've found that I have damn a lot knots in me.
Some are god damn stupid, and by these I seem to be able to destroy all the good stuff around me.
I have not much self-respect or self-confidence, I know why, I won't be revealing that here, but believe me I know who have destroyed it when I was kid and since then I just never managed to build em. I was bullied in elementary school, until I learned that I'm hell of a lot stronger (physically) and meaner than my bullies and it was just easier to keep that image up. So instead of trying to build me self confidence or respect I build walls and imaginary me. Me who was strong, smart and invincible, yet inside there was this tiny boy who was afraid everything, afraid to be alone, didn't find people to connect. And I kept that fucked-up image up for a long long time.

I kept it going so long that I started to believe it.

I did push people away by just being such an arseling.

For a long time I thought there was nothing wrong with me nor in my childhood
I hide my pain from myself, I'm pretty sure I've painted my memories to be more happy.

Well.. Then I got diagnosed and started to think about what am I. But I never realized that it was my lack of self-respect/confidence what kept me from happiness. I had wife who I loved more than I can ever explain to her or anyone, I have offspring who I love equally as much as wife, but different way yet, I because of my poor self-respect/confidence I tried to get theirs down too. Well, thankfully I started to understand something before I ruined amazing offspring, but I am so sorry for the wife.

I now know that I have hated myself so much, that I have tried to push people who I care away, because I thought don't deserve them and I am just not man enough to walk away because.. well.. I love them so much more than I can say.

I'm getting better, well I was, now, I think because of the stress I get from government decision, I've again fallen down a bit, and I once again did, well said, something completely stupid, something that even I know was stupid, but still I had to say it out loud and at the same moment when the words had left my lips, I know I had made a huge mistake and because of nothing, because of my fucked ego, yet that stupid thing felt huge and bad apple in me, that I lost my ability to sleep... and at the same time... it's so stupid. so stupid. But I had to say it to get over it. And since I saw what I had done, how much I had hurt another, I panic. that How I roll. I panic and push forward, make everything even worse. I build my walls and attack when I should just.. well.. shut the fuck up.

So.. suddenly I realize I'm driving like a madman. Thinking "what if..." thank fully not "I will..." Then I woke. I started to see what I'm doing to myself.

I often think, that I deserve all my illnesses, I deserve to feel to be different, alone. I deserve the constant pain because I'm such a horrible person.
But it's not true, and I need to make me believe it.

I'm so broken that obviously still I think, somewhere beyond my conscious
mind can see, that I deserve to be alone.

I will need to learn to love myself, honestly and real me. Not the one that I build around me.

But I fight. I know now that I'm my own worst enemy and when I know what's the problem, I can do something about it... usually.

So... my first step is this.
I stop writing negative side of my life. Because there's lot's of good stuff in my life and I need to start acknowledge that.

I have people and things that I love, I have people who love me.
I love the pink shoelaces I have, watching them makes me always smile.

Life can be good. I will get there.
This is the first day of my new life.