This is the first day of my new life.

So, I've been seeing this.. well not therapist but mind-nurse, if you get what I mean. And with combination of  about working medicine.. well.. I've found that I have damn a lot knots in me.
Some are god damn stupid, and by these I seem to be able to destroy all the good stuff around me.
I have not much self-respect or self-confidence, I know why, I won't be revealing that here, but believe me I know who have destroyed it when I was kid and since then I just never managed to build em. I was bullied in elementary school, until I learned that I'm hell of a lot stronger (physically) and meaner than my bullies and it was just easier to keep that image up. So instead of trying to build me self confidence or respect I build walls and imaginary me. Me who was strong, smart and invincible, yet inside there was this tiny boy who was afraid everything, afraid to be alone, didn't find people to connect. And I kept that fucked-up image up for a long long time.

I kept it going so long that I started to believe it.

I did push people away by just being such an arseling.

For a long time I thought there was nothing wrong with me nor in my childhood
I hide my pain from myself, I'm pretty sure I've painted my memories to be more happy.

Well.. Then I got diagnosed and started to think about what am I. But I never realized that it was my lack of self-respect/confidence what kept me from happiness. I had wife who I loved more than I can ever explain to her or anyone, I have offspring who I love equally as much as wife, but different way yet, I because of my poor self-respect/confidence I tried to get theirs down too. Well, thankfully I started to understand something before I ruined amazing offspring, but I am so sorry for the wife.

I now know that I have hated myself so much, that I have tried to push people who I care away, because I thought don't deserve them and I am just not man enough to walk away because.. well.. I love them so much more than I can say.

I'm getting better, well I was, now, I think because of the stress I get from government decision, I've again fallen down a bit, and I once again did, well said, something completely stupid, something that even I know was stupid, but still I had to say it out loud and at the same moment when the words had left my lips, I know I had made a huge mistake and because of nothing, because of my fucked ego, yet that stupid thing felt huge and bad apple in me, that I lost my ability to sleep... and at the same time... it's so stupid. so stupid. But I had to say it to get over it. And since I saw what I had done, how much I had hurt another, I panic. that How I roll. I panic and push forward, make everything even worse. I build my walls and attack when I should just.. well.. shut the fuck up.

So.. suddenly I realize I'm driving like a madman. Thinking "what if..." thank fully not "I will..." Then I woke. I started to see what I'm doing to myself.

I often think, that I deserve all my illnesses, I deserve to feel to be different, alone. I deserve the constant pain because I'm such a horrible person.
But it's not true, and I need to make me believe it.

I'm so broken that obviously still I think, somewhere beyond my conscious
mind can see, that I deserve to be alone.

I will need to learn to love myself, honestly and real me. Not the one that I build around me.

But I fight. I know now that I'm my own worst enemy and when I know what's the problem, I can do something about it... usually.

So... my first step is this.
I stop writing negative side of my life. Because there's lot's of good stuff in my life and I need to start acknowledge that.

I have people and things that I love, I have people who love me.
I love the pink shoelaces I have, watching them makes me always smile.

Life can be good. I will get there.
This is the first day of my new life.

Why I write the blog?

For me and for you.

This force me to think more, find the words I've lost, inspect modern me, am I more the real me, does my illnesses fuck me up and how and how to fix or reroute things so the illnesses don't ruin the good around me.

This is therapy to me, clear my head, especially when I'm in bad place.

I try not to pour my thoughts to my loved ones so I write em down, they read em if they want. But I think so much and observe myself all the time that I need to speak it out somehow.

And because when I thought to start writing a blog, People were like.” YES. and please write it in english” I can’t be sure, but I think it might be that… I have couple nasty “illnesses” that are quite common, but still too much of a tabu and people want to break out of it and it’s always good that someone else does it first, no matter how poorly it’s done as long as it’s understandable?

I’ve been told, that my writings help people close to me, understand better why I behave so odd ways, but also people who don't know me tell it help them to understand their own loved ones, friends, bosses or neighbours. I have done some talking to little groups about this, mostly to parents of adhd children's, and there I get a lot that I really help, it’s easier to share the light in live situation when You can see the other’s and how they react to your message. Here, I don’t have that powerful tool, I hope to get messages or some words from you few readers, that am I really writing just for myself, is my english too hard to comprehend. I was thinking to write in both English and Finnish, but to be honest, I can’t keep me in one subject so long that I could do a translation either way and I’m bit shy to ask anyone to do the translation for me, because I use really weird and funny ways to express myself and then I would have to explain myself all the time so that someone could do proper translation. So I keep writing in english and hope for the best.

I live in difficult time, we are trying to find me working medication for two of three “illnesses” of mine. My old medication for bipolar disorder fall down because of fibromyalgia medication OR doctor suspect that it had never worked good but that medication made my brains bit sticky so I just didn’t even realise it. I have now 4th new medication under testdrive and… well it’s not working good either and my doctor is changing and you see the need to open up somewhere.

I have, thankfully, awesome family, quite understanding workplace (where I have been on sick leave 4 months soon) and talented professional to talk to about these. But for sure, I would slowly like to get this first problem, Bipolar disorder under control now so we could continue to find something for Fibro also, because that my readers, that is tiresome illness.

But in the meantime I keep doing art, If you are interested of my art, here’s link to my “homepage” and writing these blogs.

Feel free to share or whatever my texts, I don’t mind if I could make a living by helping others ways that I can do. Currently all I seems to be able to do is writing blogs, and making art. I’m not in shape to do those live “talk” sessions no matter how much I would love to be. I have to think bit selfishly now and get me on shape again, shape where I can give hope to people who come to listen me, not the opposite.

So yeah.

Jani

... Run

Welcome
this is my new blog. I have written blogs earlier, a long, long, long time ago, in a gala--- … Let’s just say, this time, there’s a purpose for me to write.

Also, to the best of my memory I think this is the first time I decided to write in English. 
My story starts from long time ago…if  it could start from the beginning, the birth of me. but I’m not sure is there any point in that because of… reasons. I can’t remember much and therefore I would have to struggle to keep things order.. I didn’t have a clue that there might be something different with me until I moved away from home… but now, that I look back. the signs were always there.  But, because I lived in the countryside in a family that was quite openminded, well, I get through early life nicely. I had some difficulties in school, mostly because of adhd… hard to stay still, concentrate all the usual issues, but because I wasn’t complete idiot, I survived, and learned enough to study  on my own.

I will talk more about who I am, my diagnoses and explain what causes what, in later posts. This… this will be a short intro to what is the meaning of this blog which currently doesn’t have name at all, but maybe I make  one up before I publish this.

So back to my short story. I moved to study in city, not so far from home, but far enough that I didn’t live in home anymore. Met a amazing woman, had a child together,  almost ruined it all many times. Forced the family to move again and again, because I got bored (I can’t think of any other reason). Got drunk more and more often, seeing nothing wrong in it. Almost ruined the family again and again.
Wife kept telling me that all was not right, but I didn’t believe her because how could anything be wrong with me?  I was perfect. I kept doing stupid things, kept thinking I was the Gift for Humankind. Until, that is,  she told me, if things don’t change she would take our child and move to another city. Slowly I started to look at myself.  And after year or two, when I was (once again in another city) in the Public Employment and Business Services office, when I spoke with a vocational selection Psychologist, he had the task of helping me, find a job or school. Instead he looked at me and said, “You are not fine… I will send you first to a doctor, let’s see  what they say. After that we might find where you go next!” Now,  if my wife didn’t  earlier tell me that I’m not fine,  I would have not have listened the man. However, that was the final straw, I was about 26 then… and then the journey to find me started.
The meaning of this blog is to open up the life of human who suffers more than just one hiding chronic illnesses.
I find my strength to keep on working and studying, living the jollygood life, fighting with the bureaucracy... my strength come from my family, my wife and child (who’s not so tiny anymore) and art.
I try to keep my art out of this... but most likely I can’t.

The Faulty Man has: ADHD, Bipolar Disorder, Fibromyalgia and all the little ones that comes with them.  You know. dyslexia, mania, tremors, pain, dizziness, unable to concentrate much… and lot’s of broken joint’s and such. … and .. asthma (allergic to synthetic smell thingies), and something in the heart that make’s me faint in high stress or demanding exercise, and  migraine,  and.. still I got a feeling I’m forgettin something. 
But now… now I need to think hard to find a name for my new blog.. decide will there be photos here. will I write with my name or just alias.. so much to think about.