What is happening here?

I tell you what is going on.
I'm still phucked up. But there might be some sun in the future.'

I've been more or less out of medication almost a year now, not because I want to, but because doctors have not found anything that works.

Sadly here in Finland, certain herbs and other natural products are highly NO NO so I'm stuck with medicines made by man.

It's hard to stay .... zen when my broken back causes almost constant pain (sometimes more, sometimes less, but those few days when there's no pain are amazing) and even when back is little easier, I can be sure my dear friend fibromyalgia does make things worse.  And if that doesn't work, then I can cry and/or laugh because un medicated, well I do eat handfull of some medicine everyday, it just doesn't work... because I'm batshit grazy? NOOO.. only difficult case of Bipolar disorder.

But things are looking better, my regular doctor is having a talk between my head doctor and pain doctor, so maybe they find out something?

Anyhow... I'm open to future. My personal view is that I'm out of workforces ... but because I know for sure that KELA the Finnish official lets-fuck-sick-and-poor-in-the-ass-bureaucrasy can decide there's nothing wrong with me... seriously... they most often do that.. even if you can't walk and eat.

But if that's the verdict I'm ready to think about studying ones more.

Anyhow.. I'm in reeeeally messed up place with my head and need to let out some steam.

peace out.

oh.. allso... if you are interested... Because I started to feel like writing lately.. I started another blog.
it's about entertainment... books...movies.. tv..

https://faultymansentertainment.blogspot.com

Suomi utopia

Mielestäni suomessa pitäisi lopettaa tämä jatkuva valehtelu hallituksen taholta. Nämä puheet veroista, kuinka niillä ylläpidetään hyvinvointia.
Suomen asukkailta ja Suomessa toimivilta yrityksiltä ja yhteisöiltä kerätään veroja, joilla rahoitetaan valtion, kuntien, kansaneläkelaitoksen ja eräiden kirkkokuntien ylläpitämiä yhteiskunnan palveluita. Verotus perustuu lakeihin, jotka valtiovarainministeriö valmistelee ja eduskunta hyväksyy. Myös Euroopan unionissa päätetään Suomen verotuksesta. Kunnat ja seurakunnat päättävät itse veroprosenttinsa.[1]

Vuonna 2015 Suomessa maksettiin veroja yhteensä noin 92 miljardia euroa.

Täällä toimii hyvin verohen keruu, kaikesta maksetaan veroja. . Lukuun ottamatta tietenkään suuryrityksiä ja rikkaimpia jotka täysin laillisella verosuunnittelulla kiertävät moisen ja hallituksemme sallii sen koska useilla päättäjistämme tuntuu olevan oma lehmä ojassa.

Mutta mystisesti se mitä niillä verorahoilla pitäisi tehdä, näyttää jäävän toteutumatta.  Rahaa ei ole terveydenhuoltoon, ei koulutukseen, ei sosiaaliturvaan, ei poliisiin
, palokuntaan tai edes teiden kunnossapitoon. Pikaisella netin koluamisella näyttäisi käyvän niin, että ainoa asia mihin rahat aina riittää on kansanedustajien ja ministereiden palkat ja eläkeet.


Joten, nähdäkseni pitäisi koko järjestelmä muokata uusiksi. Joko lopetettaisiin valehtelu veroista, tai oikeasti muutettaisiin lakeja niin, että verosuunnittelut ja muut kikkailut olisivat .

Ei. En ole minkäänsortin asiantuntija. Kunhan kirjoittelen mitä ajattelen.

One of my faults that annoy me a lot

I don't think things trough.
I let words out of my mouth before I know what's the sentence I'm going for... Or even the damn word.
I do things before I calculate is it... I know.. Safe for others or... Me....
For the fuck sake... I'm trying really hard here not to go and do something nasty to our neighbors... Who the hell things it's OK to start tap dancing in the middle of night?..
Where was I?

Oh... Bloody hell.

I'm just so tired.

Long time no written

Hi all few readers.
Sorry for absence.

My life is such a roller-coaster currently that haven't been able to write it down or.. Art that is important to me.

My Bipolar have been teaching me this new thing called depression and I'm really hard trying to learn how to handle it.

I'm still without any working medication and as long as there's nothing to balance this shit a bit, I really can't began therapy.

I'm seriously thinking to try to get on disability pension, of course it's not up to me, but it feels like the best way for me to get even bit better someday. Because in all this uncertainty, pressur and pain and darkness its fucking hard to get better.

But... You know me... Never give up, never surrender.

I'm still standing.

I use my blog as… diary for me. If it helps others.. that’s better, but mostly it’s for me.
Me trying to handle my situation.

Let’s be honest, there’s people who are in worse situations in life than I am, but, 
I can’t feel what they feel.. I feel what I feel and what I feel is that I’m not in control of me.

I know there’s decent and smart guy in here, I just can’t get him out.
I don’t know is it the latest medical test run that they are running on me, 
or is it my conditions that cause this. 
It feels like I’m in some cotton candy cloud and I just can’t get the full me out of here. 
Like… parts of me are stuck in,
part of my “powers” is locked out and I can’t turn them on even that I feel them right there.

I’ve found myself wondering, is this worth it.. Could I be better without any extra chemicals in me? 
I didn’t use to think so, I still am quite unsure what to think… 
but at the same time, something keeps saying me, there’s the right medicine for me,
 I just need to find it.
I dream…  I really really dream to wake up one day in my own brains… no..
 in control of my own brains. 
I’m like .. I don’t know.. 90% control now.. I think.. maybe less..
I have difficulties with my emotions but also it’s like.. 
someone or something is slowing my thinking powers down. 
I’m forced to ask help in things I’ve never before had … sorry.. I had to stop there… 
because I think I have failing though here. … 
I am not actually having so much of a problem with thinking… but…
I’m really insecure about my thoughts.
Like.. I’m not sure am I doing it right, even that it has been right way to do it for ages.. 
What a hell is that shit?

My …. nurse…. keeps asking me, do I really have to think so much, isn’t it tiresome…
well it is,
 but if I don’t…
I won’t realize things like this. If I don't observe myself, how can I know whats happening?

but yeh, I’m willing to continue testing this new medication, that is more for fibro and adhd 
than anything else, but I am going to let my nurse and hopefully she share the info with the doctor.. 
that I’m not happy how it makes me feel. How I’m “I don’t care.. I don’t know.” all the time.. 
how I’m apathetic, makes me forget to eat because I don’t feel hunger.. tiny stuff eh?

I use to be fine--- long long time ago--- well. at least I didn’t know for better. 
But will I give up.. hell no. I will rise from this shit.. I will. I will get better. 
I will make a living by one way or another.. I refuse to go down.

Why I write the blog?

For me and for you.

This force me to think more, find the words I've lost, inspect modern me, am I more the real me, does my illnesses fuck me up and how and how to fix or reroute things so the illnesses don't ruin the good around me.

This is therapy to me, clear my head, especially when I'm in bad place.

I try not to pour my thoughts to my loved ones so I write em down, they read em if they want. But I think so much and observe myself all the time that I need to speak it out somehow.

And because when I thought to start writing a blog, People were like.” YES. and please write it in english” I can’t be sure, but I think it might be that… I have couple nasty “illnesses” that are quite common, but still too much of a tabu and people want to break out of it and it’s always good that someone else does it first, no matter how poorly it’s done as long as it’s understandable?

I’ve been told, that my writings help people close to me, understand better why I behave so odd ways, but also people who don't know me tell it help them to understand their own loved ones, friends, bosses or neighbours. I have done some talking to little groups about this, mostly to parents of adhd children's, and there I get a lot that I really help, it’s easier to share the light in live situation when You can see the other’s and how they react to your message. Here, I don’t have that powerful tool, I hope to get messages or some words from you few readers, that am I really writing just for myself, is my english too hard to comprehend. I was thinking to write in both English and Finnish, but to be honest, I can’t keep me in one subject so long that I could do a translation either way and I’m bit shy to ask anyone to do the translation for me, because I use really weird and funny ways to express myself and then I would have to explain myself all the time so that someone could do proper translation. So I keep writing in english and hope for the best.

I live in difficult time, we are trying to find me working medication for two of three “illnesses” of mine. My old medication for bipolar disorder fall down because of fibromyalgia medication OR doctor suspect that it had never worked good but that medication made my brains bit sticky so I just didn’t even realise it. I have now 4th new medication under testdrive and… well it’s not working good either and my doctor is changing and you see the need to open up somewhere.

I have, thankfully, awesome family, quite understanding workplace (where I have been on sick leave 4 months soon) and talented professional to talk to about these. But for sure, I would slowly like to get this first problem, Bipolar disorder under control now so we could continue to find something for Fibro also, because that my readers, that is tiresome illness.

But in the meantime I keep doing art, If you are interested of my art, here’s link to my “homepage” and writing these blogs.

Feel free to share or whatever my texts, I don’t mind if I could make a living by helping others ways that I can do. Currently all I seems to be able to do is writing blogs, and making art. I’m not in shape to do those live “talk” sessions no matter how much I would love to be. I have to think bit selfishly now and get me on shape again, shape where I can give hope to people who come to listen me, not the opposite.

So yeah.

Jani

Medication

Medical stuff... I wasn't about to write about this. I'm no doctor. But people keep asking. 

I don't say names of the drugs because every human is different and something that didn't work for me might be perfect for others.

I don't say don't take medicine or take it, it's up to you and your doctor and family.

I say. Go out, do some exercise, eat healthy.. It won't hurt.. Probably.

I've been under surveillance of doctors a decade now… Or so I thought. After all this was not true. I had one medication. It didn't work to much and was bad for my brain but I didn't notice anything because I was under influence of the drug. Before that there was one drug that destroyed my artistic side and that was to much.

Some doctor updated my recipe time to time, no phone calls, no blood work… No Nothing . Then I went to get help to my pain and.. That started the landslide.

First they told me I have fibromyalgia, wrote me some weird tablets to it and those ruined the rest of my Bipolar medication.

After month I drop the fibro tablets but it was too late. Still it took half a year for me to see something was wrong, and it was mostly help from others that I really saw it.

So I seek help. First dr told she has no knowledge enough of my hard situation and wrote me sick leave and send to higher powers.

The higher powers started the desperate search for working medication for first Bipolar and someday when that's covered then fibro. Thankfully my adhd medication hasn't stop working.

First drug. Help my head yeah so +
But caused= dizziness, internal shaking, headache, constant bad feeling in stomach, eye problems, couldn't concentrate. Tiredness, So lot's of - - -

2 drug. Nothing good. Everything worse.

3 drug. Still under this one currently.
Helps head +
But. dizziness, eye problems, couldn't concentrate. Tiredness, hard to sleep, anxiety(hard one), heart drums like Ulrich playing high, hell of lot energy, anxiety even more, and still can't concentrate to do something, hard to think or drive a car. extra Drooling, face bit numb (good compo).

Now I must count again is it worth it.

But I know there's medication where has more + than -... Just need to find it. Hopefully soon.

I don't even hope or believe to live without medication. I need it for me to be comfortably in me and to be less of assholes to my loved ones. I need em to be even tiny bit part of society, visit relatives go to mall.. So… I hate to take chemicals but I need em.. Like really need.