one of the best.

She told me, she was pregnant. I don't think it was completely planned, but it wasn't either unwanted, maybe bit more on the side of planned. I was young and I was so ready to be father.

I remember how I called to my dad. Told him that he's going to be grandfather.
Dad was.. "Oho.. really. well.. " and cut the phone. Couple minutes later. He called back and was like completely different man. He was so happy and so joyous.

The pregnancy wasn't easy, there was stuff I believe, again sadly I can't remember.

I remember how I talked to baby when it was still inside her.

I remember how it had to be done by C-section because he was so big and... something.

I remember how annoyed I was that nurses and doctors didn't let me be with her in the room, I had to watch trough some glass when I wanted to be there, holding her hand.

I remember how nurse walked to me, with tiny human in her hands.

I remember how my heart melt when i saw that tiny troll.

I remember how scared I was to hold him.

I remember how everything change.

I remember how nurse teach me how to change the diaper. Wash him.

I remember how we took family room in hospital, even that we didn't really could afford it.. but I wanted to much to sleep next to them.

I remember so much also not good stuff... I even wrote those here.. then I deleted it and pretend for now, it didn't happen.

I hope I can sleep now.

If there's anything I'm proud. It's our offspring. WE have help this amazing young offspring to find who he is.

It's a weird thing

It just hit me
That most of the medicine that doctors have told me to eat are, in the streets REEEEAALLY liked stuff. 

I'm not selling, don't worry about that. 
But it does make one wonder, wonder that what does those do to me, and how hypocritical it is for doctors, the same doctors who have told me to eat these highly addictive drugs do admit that quite normal cannabis could work better. Yet.. Cannabis is illegal. 

Do I smell capitalism here? Drug companies make drugs, get big money out of it (bigger money from other countries than from here, but still) and it feel to me that the same corporations  that make big money from their chemicals... wait.. did the font just change? ... are behind that light cannabis is still illegal in so many countries.. Because... It would be ouf of their pockets if normal people could grow their own medicine? It did change, and Blogger wont let me change it back or anything else... weird.

No, I don't know would cannabis help my pains or my constant brain difficulties. I do have friends in countries where cannabis is legalish or, some cases where Doctors just dare to write it to patients more than here, and some of them suffer similar... difficulties, and they do get help from these... natural herbs.

Well, I'm quite sure, that I will never know. Finland is promised land of the alcohol, our government does not dare to do much about that because we have still so strong, "It's normal to be drunk as hell every weekend" mentality and most of our nations problems are caused by alcohol one way or another... but it's illegal to grow a weed that help ones pain and ease the mind.

Yeh, I know it might cause some problems too, I say might, because, funny enough, all the scientific data I've seen this far has told the opposite.

Well, I eat my doctor orders drugs. Keep on trying to find some help from "Modern Western Medical science" because sadly, I don't want to try my luck with the law. Because I'm sick, unemployed man and I've seen we don't have much rights in here.

What is happening here?

I tell you what is going on.
I'm still phucked up. But there might be some sun in the future.'

I've been more or less out of medication almost a year now, not because I want to, but because doctors have not found anything that works.

Sadly here in Finland, certain herbs and other natural products are highly NO NO so I'm stuck with medicines made by man.

It's hard to stay .... zen when my broken back causes almost constant pain (sometimes more, sometimes less, but those few days when there's no pain are amazing) and even when back is little easier, I can be sure my dear friend fibromyalgia does make things worse.  And if that doesn't work, then I can cry and/or laugh because un medicated, well I do eat handfull of some medicine everyday, it just doesn't work... because I'm batshit grazy? NOOO.. only difficult case of Bipolar disorder.

But things are looking better, my regular doctor is having a talk between my head doctor and pain doctor, so maybe they find out something?

Anyhow... I'm open to future. My personal view is that I'm out of workforces ... but because I know for sure that KELA the Finnish official lets-fuck-sick-and-poor-in-the-ass-bureaucrasy can decide there's nothing wrong with me... seriously... they most often do that.. even if you can't walk and eat.

But if that's the verdict I'm ready to think about studying ones more.

Anyhow.. I'm in reeeeally messed up place with my head and need to let out some steam.

peace out.

oh.. allso... if you are interested... Because I started to feel like writing lately.. I started another blog.
it's about entertainment... books...movies.. tv..

https://faultymansentertainment.blogspot.com

Medication

Medical stuff... I wasn't about to write about this. I'm no doctor. But people keep asking. 

I don't say names of the drugs because every human is different and something that didn't work for me might be perfect for others.

I don't say don't take medicine or take it, it's up to you and your doctor and family.

I say. Go out, do some exercise, eat healthy.. It won't hurt.. Probably.

I've been under surveillance of doctors a decade now… Or so I thought. After all this was not true. I had one medication. It didn't work to much and was bad for my brain but I didn't notice anything because I was under influence of the drug. Before that there was one drug that destroyed my artistic side and that was to much.

Some doctor updated my recipe time to time, no phone calls, no blood work… No Nothing . Then I went to get help to my pain and.. That started the landslide.

First they told me I have fibromyalgia, wrote me some weird tablets to it and those ruined the rest of my Bipolar medication.

After month I drop the fibro tablets but it was too late. Still it took half a year for me to see something was wrong, and it was mostly help from others that I really saw it.

So I seek help. First dr told she has no knowledge enough of my hard situation and wrote me sick leave and send to higher powers.

The higher powers started the desperate search for working medication for first Bipolar and someday when that's covered then fibro. Thankfully my adhd medication hasn't stop working.

First drug. Help my head yeah so +
But caused= dizziness, internal shaking, headache, constant bad feeling in stomach, eye problems, couldn't concentrate. Tiredness, So lot's of - - -

2 drug. Nothing good. Everything worse.

3 drug. Still under this one currently.
Helps head +
But. dizziness, eye problems, couldn't concentrate. Tiredness, hard to sleep, anxiety(hard one), heart drums like Ulrich playing high, hell of lot energy, anxiety even more, and still can't concentrate to do something, hard to think or drive a car. extra Drooling, face bit numb (good compo).

Now I must count again is it worth it.

But I know there's medication where has more + than -... Just need to find it. Hopefully soon.

I don't even hope or believe to live without medication. I need it for me to be comfortably in me and to be less of assholes to my loved ones. I need em to be even tiny bit part of society, visit relatives go to mall.. So… I hate to take chemicals but I need em.. Like really need.