Damn... I was just in cat caffee..

I have always been one of the animal people... I like about every animal and insect more than most of humans.

But I have always thought my self as... dog person... maybe because I like hunting and good dog there is quite nice addition to food getting business.

Now... I was tricked in this Purrfect Angel-british/catcafe in Rovaniemi.

And damn... very first thing that happened was one beauty that just demanded to get some scratches and love and jumped to my lap and.. damn... I started to have this worrisome feeling, like... getting sick or something... something inside was melting or something and yes it was a cat, not my wife.

Then there was this tiny rascal Riimu? that tried to eat my fingers and then he jump to my lap and staid there and ... another feline that stole our son's bacon bread.

I...

I start to think that I might actually like cats, some cats bit more than I thought.

We have those two Turtles, A'Tuin and Morla, but even that they do sometimes come to sit on lap but it's ... not the same to hug a turtle than it is some soft, warm maybe bit furry animal.

oh well.. my image has been ruined for life, but I'm not even sure do I care.

I fell in love with Riimu, the tiny rascal.

Oh yes.. also the Tea that I took and bacon sandwich were awesome, and also there was nicely vegan stuff (not that I need or care, but that is nice for some) also there was gluten free and lactose free stuff and those even taste fine, or so did wife say and she knows.

Also I liked the theme, old mix match furniture and art and .. basically I did like everything.. even Humans were nice and prices acceptable.

So.. I was so much surprised of all the positiveness that I got from there, that I just had to write a short blog about it.

I feel good right now, yes I have pain and I'm tired, but those darn tiny animals did make me feel better. And it continues still.

SO thank you  Purrfect Angel-british/catcafe

There seems to be small misunderstanding

I've noticed that people around me seems to think I'm a pessimist, wishing for end of the world. Or at least end of Human civilization as it's now. That I hate humans! It's not completely true.

I'm not pessimist, I'm more like realist. I've been following what is happening around the globe, not only what humans are doing but also what is happening to the ground and weather (well part of that also is doings of humans). There's lot's of humans that I care deeply, it's just humans as specie that I despise. For reasons unclear to me, we as specie seem to be driven to destroy our self, hurt everything around us and be just complete assholes. It's interesting how even smart and kind humans, when gathered around with "other kinds " seem to lost em self and behave like sheep.

I use quite easy example. There's USA. Nation that has been quite modern, until reason only to know by them self's, they choose to be lead clown-idiot. Now, they keep follow that idiot-clown even that IT has shown again and again that he has no brains, no talent in business (funny fact, lot's of artist have made more successful business that that so called business man). At the moment that country is in situation where they are so shamed of who they let to be the leader, that they can't say how they regret it but just try to lie to em self's because they are so shamed to admit that they fall in that.

Seriously, why did YOU do it? Can't you read? Don't you follow new's, check facts..

Back to subject at hand... The worse thing in all this is, that there's generation who can be blamed (No, there has been always been good people in every generation, sadly in this generation the good people seem to be so small portion that they just could not do anything to the selfish assholes.)

I see how, I don't know how to call em.. the people who get birth from the parents who survived the great war.. those who got it easy, are destroying everything for the next generations. as said, not all of that generation is utter arsehats, but way too many. They got easy schooling, could just walk in and get a job, bought a house with money that today you can't get even decent car. And still, they keep shaming youngsters, who struggle because THEY, the generation before, made everything so hard.

But no. I'm not hoping for end of the world. I'm still hoping that humans, as specie wake up. stops the capitalism, the number one reason why everything is so complete shit. Stop killing the earth and our self.

--

Why do people worship money so? That I cannot understand. We live in world, where it would be just easy to keep everyone fed and under roof, but instead because of Capitalism others have decided to focus their whole life only to make em rich and others poor. You know, that's how capitalism work? It's all about making rich richer and rest poorer.

--

My therapist ones explained this to me.. I am extremely sensitive guy, her guess was that I've been really sensitive kid... but for reasons unknown at the moment, I felt the need to protect my self and build huge wall around me, and therefore I seem quite cold to outside.

And it is true, I do feel for others, I can see what others feel, but I don't want to. Because... I have enough of my own problems. SO.. being cold and bit ... bitch... I just  try to keep humans far.

I wonder, what this tell about me

year and half ago, my offspring get in the art high school and needed a computer. 
Because of the modern age studying in high schools in Finland is completely nuts, 
one can’t get through studies without laptop. 
To me that tells how sadly untalented teachers are and how school system is faulty. 
But that wasn't what I was about to write.

Since I gave my laptop to the offspring and tried to use tablet to my fill the daily internet dose, 
I’ve been... annoyed.

 Now I'm annoyed with blogger... it's messing with the text again, so... this will look wonky. 

Darn, Now I lost my thought completely. 

So... I must wonder, what this blog was supposed to be about. I have no memory, not so anything comes
to mind, that why I started to write this. 

Darn Blogger and your wonkyness. 

 So. tablet... I realized that I'm oldschool, I need real computer... so I did try to "play" with wifes laptop,
that she uses for office thingies and.. Sims 3. but NOnoNo... I can't stand the Windows.. It's worst OS.
and because wife needs the windows.. so I could not install any flavor of Linux on it. SO I dig out old
computer from garage... and tried to play with that... but.. that either didn't work on my favor. so..
I continued to try to handle my web-page, facebook, art stuff, blogs.. all with tablet.. It was truly horrible.

So... dear offspring, who knew our money situation is not to good because of my long sickness thingie
(haven't been at work since early spring), and offspring therefore decided first not to tell us that my old
laptop didn't quite work enough for all the courses in school. Because, that damn Windows kept install
more and more useless stuff that with windows 10, you can't even remove without more skilled coding 
than I'm capable. 

After the offspring had failed one course, we kind of found out the laptop situation... It did take a while, 
and I sure had to step far from my comfort zone to make it happen, I had to beg and use phone and do
research and talk to people and visit a church ones (it's weird for pagan like me)... but I managed to do 
it.. I managed to make it so, that offspring has now darn fine laptop. 

Ah.. Now I remember what I was about to write originally. It was about that, People think I'm quite selfish
and they are correct. I am most of time selfish but when it's about my family, I'm not so much.

Before this laptop incident. 

About year and half ago, I made a Mural and as a thank you I got awesome, the best of the best phone 
at the moment. Then... around the same time when I get the new laptop for offspring, we also
change phones. I have now... quite.. toy phone. Sure I miss my ex superphone.. but really.. offpsring 
does have way much more use and need for it. .. and it's not the first time that I've given my favorite 
"toys"
for offspring. 

Don't get me wrong.. I'm selfish prick. there's no doubt about that. If I don't concentrate much, I forget 
that there's people around me who might have more urgent needs than I have. It's quite common
with adhd/bipolar person, but I'm working on this... working hard. But sometimes the work ... does 
pay up. I'm not riches man, but I sure want to make sure our offspring has better tools for life than I had.

About my selfishness It's true.. it's not so long ago, when my wife use to get me books (because she 
knew I love em) and guess what I got her? Maybe tiny chocolate bar and ... tobacco. Because I 
didn't even bother to really find out what she wanted or needed. And boy if I didn't get anything I was 
annoyed. 
I might buy my self a computer, phone, game console.. what ever I felt I wanted or needed... and did 
I ever buy that sewing machine, or general purpose machine or anything that she needed? .. well.. no. 
So.. I'm working on it. I'm working hard to keep my self in ... short lease... I demand a lot from me. 

My therapist doesn't understand why I demand so much, I mean my current one, my regular therapist 
have started to see the point... I hope I get my regular one back soon. 

Anyhow... I have found my self done selfless acts lately, not much, but more than years and years before. 
Sure, mostly for offspring and more an more to wife, but sometimes even to "just" friends or even almost
strangers. 

I've lost my point of this story completely.. It's just.. rambling.. oh well.. it happens. 

It's Christmas blog... correction.. It's Yule blog.

Christmas, that true, capitalism power celebration, time of the year for most suicides, most domestic violence and on top of that, lot's of people who really don't have money, still waste all the money for gifts.

Still, I love Christmas. I just strongly fight against the Coca Cola- Santa, and corporation demand for gifts for all. Christmas is pagan celebration, church start to ruin it, but because paganism is strong in people, they gave up and decided it's birthday of middle-eastern guy.

Don't know what it tells about we Finnish, but our word for Christmas is Joulu, that's quite close the original pagan name of this celebration, Yule.

Anyhow... To me, Christmas/Yule is time of relax, family and good food. Basically I'm rooting for basic Yule idea, before christians ruined it.. Basically Yule is about drinking, eating and fucking.

oh well..

I know I'm not alone in this. I know there's a lot of people who feel the same way. How Beautiful celebration has been turned to slave people, slave to corporations, waste money to nothing.

I wait Christmas/Yule, first time for long time.I, directly, haven't bought any presents. Indirectly there has been one gift bought. One gift we made by our self, and I have not bothered my head by any more gifts.

Yule is not about gifts, it never was, and I wont go in to any more about that, if you are interested there's something in wikipedia about that.. too

I just wanted to let you know, that even that I hate the capitalism and how it has ruined this beautiful winter fest.. I still love it. Not because of gifts.. or decoration.. Eating is big part of it, because usually we eat little bit... smaller :D ... back when I was alcoholic (well, I'm still, but I keep fighting to keep my self out of it) this was good reason to open bottle, (Like eastern, weekend, "hey I found my sock's ,were)... but now.. this particular Yule. I enjoy because...

There's house we live in, it's house that feels more home that any adult life "home" before. There's baking oven in this house, and I love to bake bread and slowly roast meat. There's firefplace, but funny enough we can't use both, fireplace and baking oven at the same time, because smoke issues. We have Sauna, own sauna, we decide when we warm it.
We have food (as I told you, I love food), We have moose meat, I'm thinking to make two different kind of meat.. One I .. smoke? and another in the baking oven. Then there's Salmon, I'm not sure yet do we smoke that too, or in the oven... or maybe cook on open fire.. Oh yeah, we have that tiny ... building with a another fireplace in it.. so.. there'll be food making in there. hmm.. where was I... we have Cheese, lot's of different cheeses.. hmmmmm.. I love good cheese. Then there's some, not much, candy, some turkey, and.. and... I can't remember more.. I got suddenly hungry.

Anyhow.. and... there's no more plans for Yule. Only family ( +maybe on friend who is more like family), some movies, maybe games, but most of all.. Just.. be among family and enjoy.

Anyhow... I'm a pagan deep inside me. apatheist pagan.

My daily life with my brains

It's never quiet.

I can't say is it adhd, Bipolar, fibromyalgia or just some personality thingie.

I'm not sure can I explain this at all.
But I try.

There's never quiet in my head, my thoughts are rabid and in constant movement. Sometimes there's some cotton candy around em, making me even harder to follow my already irrational thought patterns.

When I'm awake I can keep it under control by pure force of will and keeping myself busy, so I always seem to be on the move. Doing something with my fingers, tapping with leg. Drawing, painting, making my family mad by joking, dancing… whatever my broken body let me do. All physical activity and movement helps.

Also stories help, reading books, watching movies and tv-shows all good stories take a hold of my mind and ease the constant anxiety, the bigger, more complicated and truly imaginative story gets the better. Realistic detective, modern warfare, capitalism glory stories are mostly useless because my brains can easily see where the story goes, but in fantasy, scifi and horror, there's doors that story can take and my brains are happy.

Good conversation, oh that helps, but there's difficulties because my mind has custom to lost interest, see a bird and forget everything, listen familiar music and start to sing a long. I might remember something in middle of my or your sentence and start to speak about that and forget all before. My “stories” will be bumpy, jumpy, hard to follow and rambling much. I forget common words like, cheese, but can tell what happened in that one episode of Farscape in season four.

My brains won't silent even for night. That's usually the hardest time.
Lie on the bed, try not to bother wife, be silent, not to move,  THATS when they attack. Dark and stupid stuff, scary stuff, light paranoia.

Or

I just go trough novel ideas, master plans for some game, get four to five movie ideas and forget em all before get up to find paper.
For that, I thankfully have found audiobooks. Audiobooks help me sleep. Again stories keep my brains so occupied that I can sleep.

That is my daily life.

Wife, I'm sorry.

We have couple turtles, Morla and A'Tuin, they are funny little things and I have grown fond of them.

So, they lived in aquarium, big one, but to us it felt too small for precious little things so we decided to make a bigger one.

We got this huge plastic container, and cut it half, then I didn't get it to fit  in our car, so I was left to my moms and waiting that she will bring it when she has time, but then, month or so later, I realised suddenly, that if I just turn the darn thing around, it will fit in our own car, so, we did get it home.

The new plastic aquarium did have one big negative thing, it had hole in it and no cap to be found.
So as I am such a smart guy, I go and buy Aquarium silicone and fix the situation with that... or that was my purpose.

In reality, what did happen was that when was time to fix the hole situation, I accidentally did take the another silicone from the cabinet. Normal, hardly even water proof silicone and used it. Me the IDIOT didn't bother to read not even ones, that what kind of silicone I was using.

couple days later the outer side self made cab did drop out.. and it had to be fixed, so I took, this time, the correct silicone and still I didn't realise that I had used originally the wrong one.. so basically the water side cab was still wrong.

Well, we dump the water in the huge "aquarium" and let the turtles in... things was looking good... I took the "youngsters" with me to countryside to give wife some alone-time. as, we, me and my adhd/bipolar etc.. can be bit overwhelming so when there's change I go away for a while and take the youngsters whit me or they go somewhere else.. so... that was happening.

Then she send me a message. the silicone in the aquarium was getting lose. .. we are almost 200km away so, even if we "to the automobile, let's go" right about now, she would have already empty the aquarium all by her self. I still would want to just go... but then.. tomorrow I can go by the special store, get more the RIGHT silicone and maybe some ice-cream for her... give her the Ice-Cream, go to turtle room, shut the door and fix the situation.

but damn I hate my brains. why didn't I just read the labels? Why didn't I realise when the another cab drop off that something was wrong? I'm such an idiot.

Finally

Finally

I know the world seems to think that Finnish medical care is good, and it is if you are rich and at least got a job. But for someone like me, it's difficult to get help.

I've been now 9 months on sick leave because of my combination of Bipolar disorder and fibromyalgia or.. because of the difficulties to find medicine for them that work and not make everything else worse. Now when you add my adhd and withered intervertebral disc that cause its own pain… well it's difficult.

But to my surprise my normal doctor decided to seek consultation from pain specialist and then she asked me can she talk with my psychiatrist… and… they found some new medication to try, something that might help with both, the pain and balance my head.

I have just began it so can't say much yet, but it gives me hope.

psychiatrist… she wrote me a year… of rehabilitation if that goes through with the government, that I dare not be hopeful because of me earlier experiences with bureaucracy of that institution… could get me back to school, new work or… disability pension. We shall see… currently I'm happy if the rehab goes trough.

psychiatrist… she's confused with me.. she has given me new diagnoses something about personality  disorder but that and older .. she wants to dig deeper in my head. Now she's bringing new help in ...some psychologist to see can they with my nurse get something out of me.

But it sounds that I'm quite a case